If you need any proof of the death of our great nation and are not convinced it has to do with the election of a certain orange-faced person, then perhaps some of these examples will help convince you.
Birthday Month: When my fiancé told me the other day people now not only celebrate their birthday for an entire month, they actually expect others in their lives to celebrate it with them by showering them with gifts all month long, I really wanted to choke the life out of the person who thought this up. Are we so lacking in love and self esteem that we feel the need to be told happy birthday for the entire month our birthday falls in?
As a teacher, I was told how important it was to recognize students on their birthdays. Apparently, quietly telling the student Happy Birthday was not recognition enough. Now they need it for 31 days. Why not just send them to Baskin-Robbins for a month and tell them not to come back until what’s left of their brain has frozen?
I will admit, I may be a bit on the bitter side since my birthday falls in July so it never went recognized when I was in school. Or maybe it has to do with how I never really cared to celebrate my own birthday much less some brat who is so starved from a lack of attention because she only has 248 friends on her social media account and has yet to do anything that has gone viral except cough in class.
Apparently, this also goes beyond kids. Adults, or over developed children who have always been told how special they are all their life, actually feel they are deserving of an entire month celebrating their inability to grow up and accept responsibility. No, they think they are deserving of a month of free breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and cocktails.
Oh, and if you are some poor sap who dates a woman with this expectation, don’t ever plan on marrying her because you will never be able to afford to retire because once you give her birthday month, she will expect anniversary month, going into labor month, and house purchasing month among others.
Congress needs to pass a law making this a crime, but apparently they are too busy celebrating Selling Us A Crappy Health Plan Month.
Ed Sheeran: Who is this person? I have no idea, but I can’t stand him. I don’t even know what the hell he does but whatever it is, I see his mug on the internet more than I see all of the Kardashians combined. My guess is he is the Travelocity Gnome minus the white beard. Please, do me a favor, don’t tell me what he does, I am sure I am not interested.
NCAA Basketball: Funny how one of the arguments against extending the college football season has to do with the amount of class time athletes miss because of their season which runs from September through November for most of the NCAA teams. And yet those same schools have a basketball season that runs from November to mid-March, a full month and a half longer, only to see half of the colleges qualify for a month long tournament. My guess is you can no longer find courses in logic in any of the participating NCAA schools.
GOP Health Plan: To think, it took the GOP just six years to come up with the plan they presented to us to replace Obamcare. No wonder they have not been able to come up with a decent jobs plan, improved education system, or simplified tax plan to rival Obama. They have been working themselves to the bone to come up with a health plan that should pretty much make it unnecessary for them to ever pass any other type of legislation because they already know they don’t stand a chance of surviving the next election cycle. Ain’t leadership a bitch?
Teacher of the Year: If you caught Paul Ryan’s act as the guy who pretended to be a teacher while presenting the great new health plan, you know he won’t win any teacher of the year awards. He did, however, eliminate the need for anyone ever needing to take another sleeping pill again. That’s the kind of outside the box thinking that will bring Big Pharma to its knees.
Daylight Savings: Can we all agree we failed to save any daylight, ever? Let’s do the math. Each day has 24 hours. No matter what time you set the clock, the sun will rise and set during said 24 hours. Why the hell are we still screwing around with the clock? Shouldn’t computer scientists be working on a way to increase daylight hours with some new phone app? What? You mean such an app doesn’t make any more sense than daylight savings? Go figure.
World Baseball Classic: Who are we fooling with this? This tournament does not determine which nation is the best in baseball when it is played during spring training and comes with a 65-pitch count limit for pitchers. Why not just play the Super Bowl in August, the Stanley Cup in October, and the World Cup in winter? Oh, wait. This just in: The World Cup will be played in winter in 2022 because the summer temperatures in that soccer hot bed Qatar can reach 120°f.
Wedding Costs: I am getting married in May of this year and will not be coming anywhere close to the over $30,000 cost for the average wedding. I will admit, I am cheap and I see the wedding industry as perhaps the biggest rip off ever invented by humans, even more than Birthday Month. I will also admit I found what I thought was a beautiful courtyard location with a fountain for our wedding that just so happened to sit smack in the middle of a medical complex. It would have been free to use since the complex is closed on weekends.
I was convinced to part with $60.00 for an equally nice outdoor park. However, if you are looking for a wonderful spot for a small quiet wedding that is absolutely free, let me know and we can work out a financial arrangement in exchange for the desired information.
I hope this does not get me into trouble with my LAPX bosses. I’d hate to be called in and have to be counseled for a shameless plug.
Finally: Do people ever think about what they advertise? I wonder what kind of turnout there was for the “Father and Son Cornhole Tournament” I recently saw promoted. Is it even legal to hold such a tournament? Do all the participants have to be 18 or older? What do the winners receive?
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Editor’s Note: The author, James Moore, has had his Curmudgeon Credential suspended for a week, over his shameless self promotion. For the next week he will just be a cranky old man yelling at kids to stay off his lawn.
One last note: LAPX is covering the World Baseball Classic and invite you to watch our video reports from Miami, San Diego and Los Angeles, on our YouTube Channel.
Top photo: YouTube screen shot of a Cornhole Tournament’s opening credits.