Letters to Jim: Black Friday, sports, global warming and flatulence

Dear Jim,

We are in the final days of the midterm elections. What are you predicting the outcome of them will be? Are we looking at Democratic control of both houses? 

Jim

Jim,

I have no idea what to expect from the midterms. I have to admit, I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fallout from all the recent NFL trades and how they will affect Fantasy Football leagues across the nation.

I guess if I think about the midterms, I believe whatever the results, we will have another two years of Trump nonsense. Don’t get me wrong, I love DT and think he has a lot of great ideas.

I am all in favor of closing the border. Who needs a bunch of happy Canadians wintering here and then leaving as soon as the temperature rises above 75 degrees? I like the idea of halting caravans. I owned one when our kids were little. I’ll take an SUV over a Dodge Caravan any day. I also love our low unemployment figures even if no one but the rich has enough money to spend on Christmas this year. Who needs presents more, the miserable rich or the happy go lucky middle class? The rich, which explains why there is a shrinking middle class. If you want presents you have to be rich. Sounds like a fair trade off.

Dear Jim,

On one Sunday last month, the city of Los Angeles hosted professional games in the following sports: NFL, MLB, NHL, and the NBA. Is Los Angeles the best sports city in the nation?

Jim

I hate to break your heart, but the answer to that question is no. The best sports city is any city that beats any team from Los Angeles in any significant sporting event. For now, that makes Boston the best.

Perhaps the best thing about Los Angeles hosting games in each of those sports on the same day is no one noticed. By that I mean, it was just another sunny Sunday in southern California and with the sunshine comes bumper to bumper traffic. I prefer Los Angeles stick to hosting the summer Olympics. The last time they did was the last time the freeways sat empty for two weeks.

Dear Jim,

Am I wrong or is global warming the real deal? Here we are into the eleventh month of the year and it’s 85 degrees outside. This can’t be normal. Any thoughts?

I have written about global warming before and have to say as long as our population continues to increase, there will be more men living. With more men alive, we end up with more humans who find farting funny. It isn’t. When 3.5 billion men fart on the average of 15 times a day, temperatures are bound to rise.

Farting is also a major concern with cattle and other livestock. As long as we allow left wing nuts to shame us for killing animals, large ones especially, who fart up a storm, there is bound to be a problem with methane which leads to holes in the ozone layer and the increase of the burning of essential oils to counter the smell.

Let’s ban the use of essential oils, make a few species of very large animals go extinct, and raise our sons to feel ashamed for farting just like parents of my generation tried to shame us from masturbating.

Dear Jim,

Are you as excited about Black Friday and Cyber Monday this month as most Americans are? I love those two days. I get to spend money on some of the greatest deals ever and shower my loved ones with gifts for Christmas.

Jim

Jim,

I do not participate in either event. Black Friday is an affront to all black people in America and should be banished. Of all the colors out there, why was Black singled out? I don’t see White Wednesday on our calendar. How come? We need to remove color from the day after Thanksgiving and get back to calling it what it really is; Cash or Credit Friday.

As for Cyber Monday, no way. The internet was never meant for such nonsense so I will boycott that day and use the internet for what is was really intended for, watching cheap, horribly produced, and interestingly edited porn.

Dear Jim,

I just have to ask even though I am pretty sure I know the answer: do you enjoy watching those Hallmark Christmas movies? I can’t wait to see this year’s batch.

Jim

Jim

You mean those films where a clean cut good looking man shows up in a quaint town back east where everyone smiles and says hello to you? The ones where the women are all attractive, bake pies, cook up feasts, and produce the most darling children on the planet? The films where there always seems to be one very smart, beautiful, and single woman who can’t find Mr. Right even though she has her act together? The ones where the only people of color are extras walking along sidewalks in the background and old folk grow friendlier with each passing year? The movies where there is always a happy ending that leaves you wanting to watch 35 more just like it?

I have no idea what you are talking about. I’ve never heard of them.