Oscars vampire swag - Los Angeles Post-ExaminerLos Angeles Post-Examiner

Oscars vampire swag

Am I the only one who noticed the vampire trend in the “unofficial” Oscars Swag Bags by Distinctive Assets? What caught my eye was the Vampire Breast lift in this years bag, which led me to 2013’s Swag Bags Vampire Facelifts and after a little bit of research I found out that 2014 also involved blood.

Matt Damon in The Martian (20th Century Fox Film Corporation)

Matt Damon in The Martian
(20th Century Fox Film Corporation)

It was my first time looking into the Vampire Breast lift and I learned that it involves injecting your own blood back into your breasts to rejuvenate and plump them up.

The Vampire Face lift is the same; blood is removed from your arm, goes through a centrifuge and then into your face. Both of these procedures last three months to a year.

Results vary and you will have to do it again. Surgeons say this can create sag. Not sure if they are thinking ahead about this. Temporary fix with permanent damage.

What a coincidence that 2014 also had a procedure involving blood. The “O Shot” to enhance a woman’s sexual response. Same thing, your own blood is injected. It stimulates vaginal and clitoral rejuvenation. Women have written reviews that it enhances sexual pleasure. Helps with incontinence too. Costs about $1,400.00 and insurance will not cover it. Didn’t notice the downside so might be a good idea.

So I started looking into each year’s bags, the consolation prize for non-winning nominees. The February 28, 2016 award show has a $250.00 Vibrator from Fiera. 2015 also had a vibrator.

Cate Blanchett in “Carol” (Number 9 Films)

Cate Blanchett in “Carol”
(Number 9 Films)

Does it sound like most of the gifts in the bag are directed to woman’s pleasure? Jewelry, shopping sprees, make-up and skin care. Maybe women are the ones packing the bags.

Men will enjoy the extravagant trips and they won’t even have the expense of a car this year because there is a year’s worth of Audi rentals in the bag.

Geez, last year they got a $20,000 gift certificate for their 2015 Horoscope which included classes in mind control. Mind control should have been helpful in winning that Oscar.

What we will be doing with our blood next year as a consolation prize?

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EDITOR’S NOTE: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) — the Oscars organization — has sued the company that creates the unofficial Swag Bags, Distinctive Assets, over copyright infringement. How does that work? Only in Hollywood.

Top photo: Leonardo DiCaprio in the film, The Revenant (Anonymous Content)


About the author

Terri Underwood

Terri Underwood has always written women’s fiction because she finds it so much fun. Love, sex and relationships all have their ups and downs but without the downs, there would be no ups. She likes to look for the good moments in life and she learned that from her huge loving family who get together often for some of the most hilarious times. Terri is a professional who enjoys hiking, fishing and even camping. She’s a California girl who lived in Arizona for six years before running back to California. She didn’t come away empty-handed though, she learned to look at the sky in Arizona. The billions and billions of stars against a deep black sky, the clouds, beautiful sunsets and thunderstorms, isn’t that what romance is all about? Contact the author.

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