September letters: Speeding to Las Vegas on a high speed rail of optimism

By now, schools have taken kids off of the hands of burned out parents, football has arrived, and there are now only about 900 candidates left running for the Democratic Party presidential nomination. Before long, we will be up to our ears in snow, turkey stuffing, and Christmas shopping bills. What better time to bridge these two seasons than to read some mail from fans who have plenty to ask me?

Dear Jim,

Dear Concerned,

This is America, the home of the free, land of the brave, and most of all, a nation where there are no laws, just suggestions. With that in mind, wear whatever you damn well please. However, keep this in mind; color matters when it comes to dressing. If you live back east or in the Midwest, it is not a good idea to wear white after Labor Day, primarily because you will be navigating your way through twelve foot walls of snow. When you freeze, no one will find you until the spring thaw, which by then will be too late. I suggest you buy lots of loud plaids that will stand out in contrast to the snow.

However, if you live here in sunny California, buy all the white you can. When you average 412 days of sunshine a year, it is a good idea to dress in white. Besides, it always shows well when you walk the red carpet.

Dear Jim,

What do you think of the president’s suggestion of detonating nuclear bombs inside the eyes of hurricanes before they reach land? Can it be any worse than allowing them to hit landfall? Is there a better solution?  Thanks. A Concerned Weather Fan

Dear Concerned,

I am not so sure it is a good idea to detonate nuclear weapons inside the eye of any hurricane. First, there is not a shred of evidence doing so would work. Second, we need to stockpile all the nukes we can so we can beat the Ruskies and Chinese in an arms race.

As far as a better idea goes, I’d like to see what happens if we built a giant wall around the entire nation. It would have to be bigger than the one Don is making the Mexicans build us because besides illegals, it would have to thwart hurricanes, tsunamis, rising seas, and all those idiots who go dipping in the surf on New Year’s Day.  Once this is done, we add a retractable dome that opens whenever we launch nukes at our enemies and then closes up to protect us from when they return fire.

Dear Jim,

Am I right to be concerned a recession is headed our way? If we get hit with one, will our president be able to survive it or will it cost him the election next year?  Thanks. A Concerned Billionaire

Dear Concerned,

I was about to say you should be worried until I saw you are a billionaire. You should be okay if we get hit by a recession because Trump has already proven trickle down tax cuts are what keeps America afloat. Now, if your portfolio were only worth a few hundred million dollars, you might have cause for concern, but rest assured, Trump has your back.

The real question is whether or not a recession will cause the president to lose the election next fall. I doubt it. You see, if Donald gets his way, only the rich will be allowed to vote. Voters will be expected to show their personal net worth in order to vote and if it fails to fall under the top one percent of earners, you can just take off voting day and sleep in because you won’t be allowed to vote

Fortunately, it has been scientifically proven, according to FOX News, that wealthy white men have the best interest of this nation at hand and can be trusted to decide our future. Bet on Don to win, recession or no recession.

Dear Jim,

I am a pet lover and know you are as well. Should I be concerned about the well-being of pets who are often filmed doing some of the craziest things? Dog and cat videos are now having to compete with the likes of the shenanigans of horses, squirrels, and goats. It seems like just a matter of time before one of these creatures goes too far and ends up dying all in the name of making a stupid video.  A Concerned Animal Lover

Dear Concerned,

I like a good animal video, but unlike you, I do not worry about one dying from going too far with their fun and games. I think it is clear, humans, mostly teenage to twenty something males, have a corner on this market.

Here are a couple of examples to help make my point. The other day, I laughed while watching three kittens wrestle one another inside a toy WWE wrestling ring. They tumbled, they clawed, they jabbed, and they summersaulted their way to viral fame. Not one of them was hurt. In fact, I have it on good authority, the camera person was worn out long before the kittens were.

Then there was the bull I saw being filmed being taunted by a bunch of rowdy fans while it circled angrily inside a bull ring. Fans continued to taunt it as it approached, thinking the wall between them and the bull made them invincible. However, when the bull jumped the wall and gored a fan, a stampede of humans ensued.

As long as humans are the ones behind making animal videos, the only thing to fear is for the safety of the filmmaker, unless you are like me and enjoy watching Darwin’s Law unfold before your eyes.

Dear Jim,

I recently read where there is a plan in the making for a high speed train to be built that will connect southern California to Las Vegas. Is this a good idea? People will be able to make the trip in under an hour and a half, but at what price? Won’t this end up harming the environment?  A Concerned Environmentalist

Dear Concerned,

The train in question will connect the high desert to Las Vegas and make for a very quick trip for travelers. At least that is the sales pitch. However, first you have to brave the southern California freeways to get to the high desert and if you make the return trip, you get even worse traffic heading back into the southland. Add in check in and waiting time and you end up getting to Vegas in about five or six hours which is what it takes if you drive your car.

Now, if you drive your car to Vegas, you always have the option of selling it to get your hands on some quick cash after you lose all the money you brought with you at the tables. If you take the train, you are limited in how much you can lose and this does not seem very American.

As for the environment, I would not worry too much. Former governor Brown assured us just how environmentally safe it is to build a high speed train in this state along with just how cost effective it is. I am sure anyone who is not yet born has a moderate chance of enjoying such a high speed trip. As for me, I would not bet on me ever using one of these trains because there just isn’t enough years left in my life to see one come to fruition.

Dear Jim,

What would you suggest I do to go about changing my life for the better? Lately, I seem to be stuck in a rut and am not looking forward to what the future is offering. I am still a young man in my mid-twenties and worry about what kind of life I will have. Do you have a morsel of hope to offer up?  Thanks. A Concerned Person

Dear Concerned,

The future is bleak. It consists of one where jobs are difficult to come by and lacking in anything of substance to offer mankind. Food will be scarce thanks to climate change. Race wars, political wars, and trade wars will be the norm while Americans grapple with their declining status in the world.  The rich will become increasingly powerful while more of us go without the basic necessities of survival; free wifi, free downloading, free phone service, free college, and free indefinite use of our parents’ basement.

If we think Americans had it rough during the great depression, just wait until you see what is in store down the road.

My suggestion is to strap down your swingers and prepare for a harsh life. Besides having to face the above-mentioned starkness, younger people will especially have it rough as they can expect to live to be 130 years old. Just imagine the suckfest of a life you have now lasting a good 40 or 50 years longer than the one I will live?

On that cheery note, I hope September is a wonderful month to you unless you are a fan of the  Cowboys, Raiders, or any team with teal as one of its colors