Dear Jim: What the …

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A new month means it is time for me to answer more letters I have written to myself.  I know, how pathetic? Just think of it as I am saving you the time of writing to me and asking me what we all know is on your mind.

Dear Jim,

Why does our president have a thing about size? Last year, he claimed his inauguration was larger than Obama’s. He loves to boast about how high his IQ is without telling us what it is. And now he is saying his State of the Union was the most watched ever. What gives?

My guess is, size matters to him which explains why our 45th president has a 45 inch waist and tells about 45 lies a day. He is working on McDonald’s providing him with a 45-ounce diet Coke to go with his super-sized happy meals. He is known for his love of 45 inch extra-large pizzas and if you add the number of marriages he has had to the number of bankruptcies he has gone through and the number of women he has groped, it equals 45.

Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA), chairman of the House Select Committee on Intelligence and formerly a member of President Trump’s transition team, released the memo (YouTube)

Dear Jim,

What are your thoughts on the release of a classified memo by the House Intelligence committee with the blessing of the president?

Great question. First, let me point out how funny I find it that there is even a House Intelligence Committee. Who sits on it and how are they selected? It seems to me, if there was a shred of intelligence in the House, they’d find a way to build a wall around the White House and then fill it in with concrete.

As for Trump being on board to release it, I find it odd he finds the release of such a document less threatening to the security of the United States than the releasing of his taxes. But then, I did not vote for the guy so I tend to think with an open mind.

Dear Jim,

Do you have any opinions on the readings from Fire and Fury during the Grammy broadcast? In general, what are your thoughts on these award shows.

Let me answer the second question first. As I get older, I realize I only have tolerance for only a few thoughts so I have to limit what I think about. Consequently, I do not think about what a bunch of rich and successful artists think I should think about our nation’s problems or leaders. Because of this, I do not watch the awards shows. Well, that and because then I do not have to remember when they are on or what network is covering them.

That said, I am not so sure it was the best choice to have excerpts from that book read when most of the nation has no idea what the book is about. I had to research it because the title alone suggest it might be about STD’s and who wants to have Hillary Clinton read to them about that subject? And why her? Couldn’t the Grammy organizers find someone with a better speaking voice such as James Earl Jones, Morgan Freeman, or George W. Bush?

Tom Brady and the New England Patriots will be competing in Super Bowl LII on Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles. (Claudia Gestro)

Dear Jim,

I know you have not been following the NFL this year so I was wondering if perhaps you have turned your focus toward the Winter Olympics? I think you would agree there are a lot of great athletes to follow with wonderful stories to tell.

Well, if you really do think that, you would be wrong.

Dear Jim,

The last time Justin Timberlake performed at the Super Bowl, he was part of Nipplegate. Do you think he will be involved in another controversy this year?

I hope not, especially one that involves his nipples.

Dear Jim,

Do you find it offensive that Black History Month happens to fall in February, the shortest month of the year? Would you be opposed to it being moved to another month with 30 or 31 days?

Punxsutawney Phil predicting six more weeks of winter (YouTube)

The only thing that matters to me in February is seeing Ground Hog Day become a national holiday and making sure I do not forget my wife’s birthday. If I was president, I would have no problem turning March, May, or June into BHM but would probably get taken to task if I did. I think February was selected because of all the syllables in the month whereas the ones I like only have one. That might not set well with some folks.

Dear Jim,

You recently mentioned your thriftiness when it comes to finding cheap beer. In the past, you have also written about how you get the most out of the t-shirts you buy on the cheap. Do you have any other tips on how to save a buck?

For starters, go to your local ROSS store and purchase a hair clipper set. I recommend Oester and you should be able to find a good set for ten bucks. You will never have to pay for another haircut as long as you live. How much is a cut these days? I have not paid for one since 1990. That is roughly 280 months. Factor in one haircut a month at Fantastic Sam’s plus a tip, I have probably saved close to $3,000.00. Let’s not forget, I saved on gas, time, and conversations with people I do not want to talk to.

Nothing like cold, cheap beer (YouTube)

Another area is dog toys. I know, sounds strange, but I realize most dogs prefer a bunch of smelly old socks tied together for a toy than the highest quality toys found at Pet Smart. You can also drive a dog to drink if you stick a few pieces of dried food in an old empty plastic water bottle. Lastly, just letting them hump your leg while you read the morning paper brings them more free joy than something made of rubber with bells inside it. Of course, it’s also cheaper to not have a pet, especially the ones I have.

Dear Jim,

Are your parents proud of you?

I’m not sure since both are dead. I do know my mother in-law likes me because she now offers me two pieces of her See’s Candy when I fix something for her. It used to be just one.

Dear Jim,

What career advice do you have for millennials?

First off, my advice is free and worth every penny of it.

Since college is so expensive and with there being so many more jobs available that do not require a college education, I would tell them to take their time before deciding on their path in life. If possible, remain living in your parents’ house, convince them to pay for your phone, internet, and food. Let mom do your laundry even if it aggravates her arthritis. “Borrow” dad’s ED pills when your girlfriend comes over and crashes with you. And finally, make sure to vote for the most progressive candidate who runs for office so when your folks die, someone else will pay your parents bills while you remain in their home.

If none of this is possible, open up a pot shop.

Top photo of President Trump is a YouTube screenshot