It’s a new year and as a result, I have made a big decision. I am running for POTUS. Now before you label me a liberal or conservative, let me say I am not running as either so you won’t be watching me perform in any debates.
I also hate to travel and the idea of campaigning in Iowa in the winter is about as appealing as my current choices for POTUS so there will be no stump speeches from me. You can save your money because my campaign does not have a budget primarily because I am running it from home.
You may feel free to find my Facebook page and copy a photo of me to post your own campaign slogans on the internet. I will tell you, “Vote For Moore Because The Rest Don’t Score” didn’t prove all that successful when I last ran for office in High School. You might try, “Vote For Moore Because He Hasn’t Lied Yet.”
I suppose before you decide to support my endeavor, you should know what I stand for so here is all you need to know about my goals if I am elected POTUS.
1 No More Team Uniform Changes: Seriously, has sports hit such rock bottom that teams have to wear a different uniform every game? This ends with me. From now on, teams will only wear a president-approved home and away uniform. I can assure you there will never be another NFL game pitting an all mustard dressed team against an all ketchup team.
2 Until I see out of work Americans demanding they be hired to pick fruit and vegetables, I am ending most welfare programs. Seniors are exempt because lets face it, picking fruit and vegetables is hard work and besides, even I know enough about politics to know seniors are a powerful voting block and I can use their support.
3 College Reform: No more college construction projects to build luxurious spa like facilities while universities lay off professors or cut course offerings. Have you seen some of the sweet digs at our colleges? No wonder our grads feel entitled to a corner office and six figures when they begin their first job working in the company mailroom.
4 Football Bowl Games Changed: As president, I will sign an executive order moving all college bowl games to Labor Day weekend which will allow for an expanded 16 team post season playoff. Doesn’t it make more sense to see this year’s Stanford team slug it out with Alabama in a game that matters rather than beating up Iowa in a game about nothing? It will also make more money for the NCAA which is really all they care about.
5 POTUS Must Actually Work: Sorry, but you won’t see me appearing on any reality TV shows while I am POTUS. I do reserve the right to appear on Conan but only if Triumph The Insult Comic Dog is a guest. I think he and I might make for some of the most compelling and intelligent political talk out there.
6 Speaking of Political Talk: Sorry, but if elected POTUS, I will consider it an act of war if CNN attempts to pair up Anderson Cooper with Kathy Griffin for anything. I will also toss in Don Lemon. I am fine if the three want to go make a remake of the Three Stooges, but they will not be allowed to appear on a news network of any kind. I know this will cost me the LGBT vote but I am counting on making up the difference with grabbing the intelligent voting block.
7 As POTUS, I will shorten the baseball season to 50 games over a 25 week season. Yes, two games a week is enough based on the lack of pitching talent. Clayton Kershaw will still get to start 25 games a year and we won’t have to wait while four other stiffs pretend to be starting caliber pitchers while they struggle to get past the third inning.8 Conserve: It will become the law of the land if I get elected that if it is yellow, let it mellow and if it is Jerry Brown, flush it down. Let’s face it, everything he touches turns to crap real fast so let’s just send it on it’s way to where it belongs. Even though I am a California citizen, I don’t want their vote because to win this state you have to be from another planet.
9 As your president, I will build a wall around the state of Kentucky and make them pay for it. In fact, I will kick the entire state out of the union and replace it with Costa Rica and I guarantee you will see a big improvement in our student test scores as a result.
10 Mike Rowe: I have not reached out to him yet, but I will make Mike Rowe my Vice President, Chief of Staff, and Director of Common Sense. While I am at it, his dog Freddy will serve as my press secretary and literally run circles around the media.
11 Plain and simple, when I am president, Fox News will be required to hire women who do not have blonde hair. Even I think they all look alike and I am white.
12 Guns: Don’t worry, I am not going to come after your guns. However, I am going to come after your cell phones. I don’t need the under 18 vote so screw the younger generation. If you want a cell phone, you have to pass a background check, a ten-day waiting period, and not be allowed to have a phone that can access the internet or send text messages. Cops will also have the freedom to shoot anyone operating a cell phone while doing another task as part of my “Shoot First, Text Later” policy.
13 Hypocrisy Referendum: There will be a national vote to determine if we prefer to legalize marijuana or ban alcohol and tobacco. This should score me plenty of votes. Millenials will like me because pot will be legalized while old farts will see me as the person who preserved alcohol and tobacco. This is pure political genius.
14 Supreme Court Litmus Test: Any prospective Supreme Court Justice will be required to tell me whether they are a cat person or dog person. They can’t have it both ways and with a dog as my press secretary, well, I think you know which way I lean on this matter.
15 Less Math and More PE: Who would you rather hire, a lean fit, healthy person who still uses his fingers to do math or a mathematician who thinks Chess is a way to stay in shape?
16 The NBA: Plan on seeing a return to short shorts in the NBA if I get elected. For one, its harder for players to conceal a gun in them and I think it is time they see what it is like to be objectified by women who whistle at them. At the very least, this should get me some more of the female vote.
17 Prison Reform: People who are in prison and who are actually capable of being reformed will finally be allowed to when I am president. Those who are deemed beyond reform will be sent to Kentucky where they can do whatever they damn well please.
18 “Free Dumb” Ends: That’s right, when I am in the Oval Office, Americans will no longer have the right to be free and dumb. In fact, if you cannot pass a basic High School exit exam (about 25 percent of students) the first and only time you take it, you lose all of your rights. Of course, those who fail the test won’t even know what rights they are losing and their parents are probably too stupid to know how to fill out a ballot so this should not cost me any votes.
19 Six Minute Campaigns: When I become president, all political campaigns will be limited to six minutes in length. This is about all the average American can handle before they become bored with what candidates have to say or they start jonesing for a drink, smoke, or their cell phone. Besides, six minutes is about the maximum amount of time a candidate can go without telling a lie or looking stupid.
20 PC Will Live On: Under my leadership, we will continue to be a nation run with PC thinking only with me, it will not stand for Political Correctness. My presidency will operate under what I call Permanent Cooperation. In other words, each day that passes in which our Congress fails to work together and accomplish something for the good of the nation, they do not get paid. This alone should be enough to win any election, but then again, this is America, a place where voters actually elect people to not get along and work with others.
So there it is, nice and simple. I will only be giving one interview and that will be with my editor, Tim Forkes. However, before I can, I have many other important matters to attend to first. There is a load of laundry to put in the drier, leaves to rake, and some prep work for the coming storms.
I really hope I get elected. I could use the extra help around the house that comes with the job.
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EDITOR’S NOTE: We would like to endorse and support James, but only if he: A) Vows never to do an interview with us and B) Promises us tax breaks and subsidies, like GE and the oil industry enjoy. We would like to be billionaires too.
Jim is a life long resident of California and retired school teacher with 30 years in public education. Jim earned his BA in History from CSU Chico in 1981 and his MA in Education from Azusa Pacific University in 1994. He is also the author of Teaching The Teacher: Lessons Learned From Teaching. Jim considers himself an equal opportunity pain in the ass to any political party, group, or individual who looks to profit off of hypocrisy. When he is not pointing out the conflicting words and actions of our leaders, the NFL commissioner, or humans in general, he can be found riding his bike for hours on end while pondering his next article. Jim recently moved to Camarillo, CA after being convinced to join the witness protection program.