Elections 2016: Why me?

Since I was not invited to the last GOP debate, I thought I should at least chime in with why I think I am better candidate that what was on display to the American voter.

Donald Trump: Never vote for a guy whose last name rhymes with dump, chump, rump, hump, or thump.

Ted Cruz: If you took a shot every time he said, “And I would note …” mid way through an answer, you’d be too drunk to remember his last name rhymes with lose, booze, and snooze.

Marco Rubio: Shouldn’t a candidate at least finish puberty before he runs the nation? How often does he shave?

Jeb Bush: A nice man from a nice family. Unfortunately, nice guys finish last which is about where he is in the polls.

Chris Christie: The only candidate who could crush Vladimir Putin … if he sat on him. Other than that, I never trust someone whose last name is the female version of his fist name.

Ben Carson: If we are told to never trust someone who does not look you in the eye when he speaks, should we trust a surgeon who speaks with his eyes closed? Even Carson bores himself to sleep when he talks.

John Kasich: I actually like this guy and might consider him as a VP if Mike Rowe turns me down. However, with all his twitches, I’m not so sure he should be the person in charge of our nukes.

Carly Fiorina: Forget about her time as a CEO. I just do not think it is wise to have a president who shouldn’t be allowed access to sharp objects. Forget guns, do you really want to be around her when she has a sharp kitchen knife in hand?

Mike Huckabee: Two words; Kim Davis. Two more words, The Duggars. Do we really need a crazy Christian Caliphate for a nation?

Rick Santorum: He is still running, isn’t he?

Rand Paul: Rand? He couldn’t go with Randall or Randy? Who the hell goes by the name Rand? If he can’t get his name right, how do you expect him to get the country right?

Lets not forget, I am also running against the Democrats so I feel I owe you an explanation why I am a better choice than anyone they are offering.

Hillary Clinton: If she is elected, the Oval Office is likely to be renamed the Ovary Office and I am not sure Bill will be able to contain himself.

Bernie Sanders: I suppose Bernie is better than Rand, but not by much when it comes to names. Still, it’s the Sanders part I cannot get past. Maybe if he was Colonel Sanders I’d feel better about him being in charge of our military.

Martin O’Malley: Maybe he should consider Mart or Marty since Martin is not cutting it for him. Then again, maybe he should consider doing something that will really add to his name recognition, like sending sexually explicit photos to teen girls all over the nation. It sure did wonders for Anthony Weiner’s name recognition.

Four Moore Years and Six More Beers! Drink up America.