Hey Lucifer! Keep my hellhole warm

I’m going to hell when I die. I know it and quite frankly, I am not doing a damn thing to keep it from happening. Why should I? I’d have to spend the rest of my life apologizing for all the things I have done or thought about in my life. That, or become Catholic and go to confession which is out of the question since I hate getting on my knees, even when I drop something on the floor.

It seems like a lot of celebrities are apologizing lately. Those who aren’t are being asked to do so because somehow they offended someone or some group. It’s not that I want to offend people or take pride in having done so, it’s just that I can’t keep up with all the groups who feel entitled to being recognized as having been slighted. Can a person offend another person or group if said offender has no clue that person or group exists?

I can’t keep up with all the groups and what seems to be the constant changing of their name identification. In my lifetime, African Americans have gone from being called Negro, Colored, Black, and African American. I have no idea what term is in vogue today. I am fine with trying to keep up with each of these changes and certainly try not to offend anyone of color, but what do I do if I use the term Black and am told. “It’s African American,” and then later use African American only to be told by another person, “I am Black, not African American.”

Okay, I know, the previous paragraph will be construed as racially insensitive, ignorant, and probably other things. It is what you want it to be. It’s just confusing to me, a white guy, not a Caucasian, but a white guy, who actually goes to the trouble to understand others who are different. You see, I admit it, I actually do see color. I also see body language, clothing, and whether or not you are smiling or clenching a fist. It’s surprising how a nice smile makes a guy forget about race, gender, age, intelligence, and a lot of other stuff.

In my life, there has also been “Men who like other men,” Homosexuals, Gays, and countless offensive terms as bad as the N word, and now a litany of letters that at last check are something like LGBQTUVWXYZ, or something like that. It doesn’t matter to me other than I don’t know how to pronounce all those letters and I sure as hell am not going to rattle each one off. It might make me insensitive if you are a sensitive sort, but if you had an ounce of compassion for my preference for laziness, you’d accept my desire to simplify things without having to apologize. If you can’t, I have no patience for you whether you are straight, gay, crooked, bent, twisted, left, or right. Quit judging me if you want me to stop judging you.

We apologize so much we no longer know what it means to really be sorry. Usually, we are not sorry for our actions nearly as much as we are sorry for having been called out for them. I make no apologies for my stupidity, even if I think you are stupid for thinking I am dumb, insensitive, hateful, or all of the above. I am actually a nice person. The folks at the Senior Center where I work on Fridays handing out food love me (Yes, I tossed that last sentence in so some haters might see me in a more positive light). And no, they are not all white. If they have one thing in common it is they all can’t hear worth crap, but then, neither can I.

Recently, Liam Neeson has been facing backlash over his sharing a story from his younger days in which he basically went bat shit crazy when he found out a friend of his was raped by a black man. He owes me no apology because A) I am not black; B) I am not a rapist; and C) I can understand how someone young might feel in that situation. I suppose, if over the course of a day or two there became one story after another about his mistreatment of people of color on film sets, I would think differently. Otherwise, I figure he was just trying to promote his latest film in which he plays the same tired old vigilante character and put his foot in his mouth.

If I ever see the film, which, by the way, I have no clue as to the title and make no apology for not knowing it, it will be on NetFlix and I will ask my wife, “Haven’t we seen this film before?”

For the life of me, why are people angry at JLo for performing a medley of Motown tunes at the Grammys? I see where some are offended because JLo is not a Motown singer. I was unaware you have to be a Motown singer to have been influenced and appreciative of their musical contribution. If that is the case, is it too late for me to get my money back on my old Tempations CD’s? I still have not gotten over the fact people are still mad at her for that green dress she wore that showed more skin than it covered. If you got it and you want to flaunt it, go ahead. Just look like JLo and not Rebel Wilson. I know, I know, I just offended fat people, uh, I mean plus size people.

Katy Perry also offended people for some shoes that are said to look like black face even though they looked more like some African masks my ex wife and I bought years ago at a Ross that were part of some decorating we did. I admit, I am a pig and do not notice what a woman who looks like Katy Perry is wearing on her feet. If I notice your shoes, or should I say kicks so as not to offend others, it’s because I am either bored by what you have to say and have begun to nod off or find your face with the magic marker eye brows so repulsive to look at, I’d rather look at the ground than lose my cookies.

For the life of me, I have no idea if Elizabeth Warren is Native American or not. She claimed she was, She got tested, she backtracked, she has expressed remorse over the issue, and for the life of me I still have no clue.
I do know she is a politician which means odds are she will be sitting in the same vicinity as me when we await processing at the gates of Hell. Now, depending on who you are, I am either anti-female, anti-Democrat, pro-Trump, stupid, smart, or still boring as all get out for what I just said. I don’t care. I stand by my words. Worse, as long as her name is not Trump, I will still vote for her if it comes down to choosing between the two next year.

That said, I am not a libertard. You can call me a retard and it won’t offend me even though it might offend others. I’ll just stoop a little lower and make a joke about your mother. I am just being honest when I express hating Trump more than anyone else on the political scene. And don’t tell me hate is a terrible word. I know it is and I hate having to use it when describing the turd. However, if you hate me for hating him then that makes you a hypocrite which, I hate to tell you, makes you worse than me.

I also can’t stand that Cardi B, but do not want her to ever apologize. It’s not her fault she has convinced a bunch of losers she has talent. I heard her speak once and I do not care what others think, hers is a voice that makes me wish I was 100 percent deaf, or is it def, whatever that is. I think she represents what is wrong with our culture’s infatuation with nothingness, but hey, I applaud her for making bank over the fact she is, in my opinion, lacking in talent, class, and parenting skills despite knowing how to wear a shiner. I feel the same about Miley although I have no idea if she is a parent or what type she is.

Then there is this Marie Kondo person, who I will say right now, I can’t stand and am offended by. I do not need someone profiting off of my messiness. Who is she to tell us how to clean up our lives and why is she sitting in judgment of guys like me who can’t keep track of anything? If you are up to your ears in clutter and your life is a mess as a result, it seems pretty simple to me it is time to toss out all your crap. Hire a teenager to for the job if you do not want to do it, unless it is offensive to expect a teen to want to do manual labor.

It has occurred to me I have spent more time bashing women in this article than men. I won’t apologize for having done so. I think I have a pretty good track record of pointing out men who I feel are horribly flawed. By the way, just so you know, I still identify as a man, but am pretty embarrassed by our track record. We have screwed up this planet and I am perfectly content with letting women clean up our mess, just as long as Marie Kondo is not one of them.

I am also pretty sure, when given the reigns of power, women will prove to be every bit as corrupt, spiteful, deceitful, greedy, lustful, and horrible as men have been. If they prove me wrong, I will be the first to apologize. However, when I am proven correct, I won’t hold my breath and expect women to apologize to me. You have no reason to. We’ll just share a laugh together while we bake in hell.