Letters to Jim from Jim about Jim without going in a Gym

I was a little worried I might not get much in the way of fan letters this past month given we are in the heart of summer and our president wants us to show our ID when submitting them. Besides, who has time to read my crap and then write to me when there are waves to surf, trails to hike, and reruns of The 90 Day Fiancé to get caught up on? It’s an honor for me to know I am such a big fan of myself. Thank you.

Dear Jim,

Suddenly, the use of plastic straws is a major crime. Where do you stand on the movement to ban them? Aren’t there more important things to concern ourselves with? BTW: I love your column. Jim

Thank you for the nice words. Let me start by saying I still have not gotten use to the ban of plastic bags. Our hall closet is filled with enough reusable bags to buy a year’s worth of groceries. The problem is, they are in the hall closet and not my car. They are not doing me any good when I can’t remember to take them so I end up buying either plastic bags at ten cents a pop or more reusable ones at a much higher rate.

Now straws are frowned upon because some animal choked on one. I am pretty sure children and drunken idiots have done this as well but who cares about humans dying from choking on plastic straws?

But what really concerns me is people are up in arms about plastic straws at a time where humans are making 3D plastic guns that cannot be traced when used. I guess guns don’t kill, but plastic does.

If my memory serves me correctly, I think it is the 43^rd amendment which states, “No citizen shall be denied access to any product made from an environmentally unfriendly material.” I am pretty sure plastic falls into this category.

My wife just purchased a batch of plastic straws which I assume will be disposed of after being used. She also just purchased new metal straws which can be reused rather than tossed out. What I do not understand is why can’t we just hang on to our plastic straws, rinse them, and use them until they do not work?

Finally, if we succeed, or is it fail, and actually ban plastic straws, how long before we ban plastic guns, plastic surgery, and plastic robotic sex dolls? Besides, have you seen the goofy looking photo of our president sucking on a plastic straw at a formal dinner? I am in favor of all things plastic.

Dear Jim,

That Tom Cruise is an amazing actor. Have you seen his latest Mission Impossible film? He seems to go all out and performs his own stunts. I loved that movie. Jim

Hi Jim,

I have to disagree with you on this one. Tom Cruise has not made a good film since Jerry McGuire. He might be a heck of a stunt man, but I am pretty sure a movie company could make Mission Impossible and use a stunt man and save a ton of money in the process. Besides, Tom is into Scientology and everyone knows that is nothing more than a cult designed to rob someone of their true thought process while cashing in on the money they give to the church.

It’s not like Christianity that tells people the right and wrong way to live so they can be the chosen ones to go to heaven. Heck, when was the last time Scientology waged a holy war to rid the world of people who look and believe differently than us chosen ones?

Dear Jim,

Body Shaming seems to be a big thing these days. Do you believe people should make fun of others who have put on a few pounds or who have lost an extreme amount of weight? It seems we place a high priority on appearance and are quick to judge others in a way that is both cruel and unwarranted. Jim

Dear Jim,

I am completely in favor of body shaming. Here is why. If you are someone who makes money off of the way you look then you are fair game. Most people are not like me and are not naturally beautiful to look at. They have gone to great extremes to obtain the look they have. If you do not want to be body shamed, it seems to make sense not to make yourself a public nuisance by flooding our social media with your selfies and narcissism.

It’s okay to call someone fat if they are fat and showing themselves off. It’s okay to wonder if someone has an eating disorder if they post a photo of how proud they are of the way they look in their new bikini with their ribs sticking out.

Most of us do not want to see that dude with enough body hair to make a wig for a cancer victim bathing on the beach with his massive belly and neon colored Speedo. Does anyone want to see a woman wearing workout tights that fail to hide her cellulite? Or that sports bra with a belly showing off her pierce naval?

What’s the point of living life if you are not allowed to be honest about the way someone looks? If a person is happy in their skin and does not care what others think, great. However, as soon as you set foot in public or put yourself out there for the world to see, you cannot expect everyone to keep from expressing their honest thoughts.

Jim,

I am curious about your thoughts on what is going on at The Ohio State University and its football program. Should Urban Meyer be fired, suspended, or applauded for what he has done?

Good question. My simple answer is “Yes,” to all three.

He should, and most likely will, be fired because OSU does not put up with this kind of stuff. They fired their previous coach, Jim Tressell, for the same reason so Meyer should be thinking about listing his house and moving on.

However, if Meyer did this at a school like LSU or Mississippi while having a similar record of success, he would get a slap on the wrist suspension and then be told when he returns he better beat Alabama because he is one of maybe two coaches in the country who can.

Finally, he should be applauded because while he may have lied about a long time assistant and friend’s abusive behavior toward his wife, he also managed to hire a few other assistant coaches with pretty questionable backgrounds.

When it is all done, Meyer will move on and find it near impossible to get another head coaching job, OSU will go find another person to keep their program functioning at an elite level, and another college will have another scandal involving their head coach to make us all forget about this one.

Dear Jim,

Last month, you talked a little about global warming and how Los Angeles recorded a higher temperature than Death Valley. Now I read where Death Valley just recorded the highest monthly average temperature ever on earth (108 degrees for the average based on the daily high and low temps). Should this concern us?

Yes, if you live in Death Valley. However, I am more concerned about the mental state of any person who willingly chooses to live in a place named after death. It is usually a hint that it is not the most enjoyable environment. At least a place like Palm Springs sounds nice based on the name. Still, it is never a good idea to live in or near a desert if you can help it. I made that mistake for 24 years and am glad I am no longer living in that environment.

Still, few places offer perfect weather and those that do tend to price their real estate out of the reach of the average person. As result, we are bound to live where it either gets too hot, too cold, too windy, too wet, too dry, or all of the above.

Ocean waters are rising which will result in a need for massive migration of much of our population in the coming decades. Try picturing all cities near the coast becoming like New Orleans after Katrina struck.

Now, if Americans want to be stubborn and refuse to change their ways and start moving, the only other solution I can think of is instead of building a wall along our southern border, we might want to build one along our nation’s entire coastline.

Until next month, enjoy what is left of summer and when you finish spending a bundle on back to school crap, save up because it will be time to start shopping for Christmas.

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Editor’s note: More on Global Warming and the rising sea level.