Mancation: Two dates one dress

(Restaurant for Date #1 — Photo by Jaimie Beebe)

Browsing Tinder for the first time I was amazed at how many people took a trip into the online dating trend. Is Los Angeles really that lonely?

I decided to choose my dates based on how close they lived to me and how old they were. I hate traffic and I want to date a man that’s old enough to have his shit together and ready to get married and have kids.

There were quite a few offers on my table and I understand the opinions people may have about juggling two dates in one night, but I’m 36 years old and time is running out! Besides, it makes perfect sense to have several dates a day: I would only have to pick out one first date outfit and only waste one day of make-up.

Seriously, the amount of time it takes me to pick out a first date outfit and get ready to meet someone new; I could have a part time job.

DATE #1: The Englishman

I met my first date, the Englishman, at a chic little restaurant near my house. I showed up on time and found him at the bar. He didn’t look much like his Tinder picture, but I wanted to give him a chance since I was already there. Also, we had spent several days texting so I had invested time into him.

After sitting down he ordered me a glass of wine. Not sure how to start a conversation, I asked him a few questions and for the next 45 minutes I zoned out. It’s not that he was boring; in fact he seemed quite enamored with himself. I’ve dated a guy who only talked about himself (for endless hours) and I certainly don’t want to do it again.

Unfortunately, the Englishman didn’t offer me dinner … he did, however, offer another glass of wine. But then he only ordered one glass and wanted to share it — gross! No way did I want to share my glass of wine with some dude I met online. What if he had one of those mouth sores or something? Rather then saying anything I just smiled and laughed like he was making a joke. Then I chugged the whole glass. Yeah, it was childish, but I really didn’t want to share his germs.

At that point I was ready to move to Date #2 so I nicely told the Englishman that I should go home because I had an early morning meeting. He walked me to my car; I got in, drove around the block, parked, and went back into the restaurant. Hey, I was hungry!

My girlfriend had brought her date to the same bar, so I joined her table and had a few more glasses of wine and helped her eat her dinner (her date was much hotter than mine, not from Tinder, and actually purchased dinner).

Date #1 with the Englishman was boring, and the wine-sharing thing was creepy.

DATE #2: The Comedian

My second date invited me to watch his performance — no, not that kind! He’s a comedian so he offered me free tickets to his show. Regrettably, I showed up two hours late … and drunk. I’m sure chugging that glass of wine from Date #1 had something to do with it.

Although we missed his show, the Comedian seemed to take it well and in the midst of bad decision-making I invited him to join us at another bar. The only problem was that he didn’t look anything like his photos and was about three inches shorter than my minimum height requirement for dates. I wish Tinder would have height/weight filters rather than just age & location.

Being drunk, I found my girlfriend and her hot date to be much more exciting than the Comedian and only talked to them. When my date pointed out that I hadn’t actually spoken to him the whole night I thought he was making a joke, until I realized he was right.  Oops.

Showing up drunk to Date #2 probably gave the Comedian the wrong impression because he asked if he could kiss me at the end of the night. I said no, grabbed my girlfriend’s hand and we ran down the street in my high heels giggling like teenagers.

So, Date #2 was a complete mess from beginning to end, but probably my fault.

If I continue with Tinder, I’m going to base my dates on height and number of tattoos. There’s more to be said for looks than I realized.

What happened the next day? They both asked me on a second date! Seriously, I’m just that awesome!