March letters: No Corona for you, but you might get Bernie

Not even a leap year could prevent this month from flying by. Now that the ugly stepchild of months has come and gone, it is time for me to see what my fans have on their minds and answer some mail.

Dear Jim,

It seems like this coronavirus is going to keep getting worse before we see it ebb. Do you think the United States is prepared to combat it or should we all be worried? Are you taking any extra precautions? Thanks. A Very Worried Fan

Dear Worried,

When it comes to dispensing medical advice, I have to remind myself I am not a doctor which makes me about as qualified as anyone else to answer your questions. Yes, the coronavirus will get worse because to combat it means we have to rely on our government and let’s face it, what have our leaders done for us in the last 50 years?

Don’t count on a vaccine. By the time one is developed, you will have either contracted the virus or no one will be left alive to administer it to you.

Second, our lives are in the hands of Mike Pence and we all know what that means. If you are a minority, female, non-Christian, or live outside the Bible Belt, there will not be a vaccine or any treatment available to you. All you can hope for is you have a job that pays you to work from home and that the internet does not go down so you can do it. Otherwise, only a fool will venture out into public.

Finally, pull your money out of the stock market, store up on canned goods and water, purchase plenty of Hazmat suits, and let your kids know where they rank in the family pecking order. Other tips include using Lysol spray in place of Axe before going out into public, use a bicycle instead of public transportation, cover your mouth when you cough unless you have a beef with the person next to you, and don’t take anything Dr. Oz says seriously because he knows less about medicine than I do.

Dear Jim,

How about that Bernie Sanders? Is there any stopping him and his movement? Will he be the person who faces off with Trump in the fall and if so, will the Democratic Party get behind him? Who should he select as his running mate if he wins his party’s nomination? Thanks. An Excited Voter

Dear Excited,

Payback is a bitch and I am afraid Bernie is going to find this out. Why would Democrats support a guy they blame for encouraging his supporters to remain home in the last presidential election? More Democratic leaders still remain close to the center on issues and do not veer as far to the left as Bernie and company. In other words, they have been bought off every bit as much as the average moderate Republican.

The middle bunch of leaders on both sides have resigned themselves to tolerating an extremist like Trump and company. Why would they pivot to a total opposite of his extremism by supporting a communist, leftist, guerilla like Che Sanders (I’d call him Colonel Sanders but I might get sued)? No, they will just take their chances and wait out Donny for four years and hope Democrats control one or both houses to hold him in check. Maybe in 2024 there will be candidates who do not scare the shit out of voters.

As for who should be Bernie’s running mate, my money is on his wife because when Bernie’s heart explodes during his first press conference, she will be the only one left to carry out his dreams (AOC is still a bit young for the job).

My prediction is none of this matters. Should Trump fall short in November, he will say it is due to the coronavirus and will extend voting into December and leave the rest to Russians to fix. I see four more years of Agent Orange so buckle up.

Dear Jim,

Have you ever seen a worse debate performance than the first one by Michael Bloomberg? Does this guy really think he can get elected president? Why waste all his money on a run for an office he has no chance of winning? Thanks. A Voting American

Dear Voting American,

My guess is Bloomberg hates Trump as much as he hates the ideas of Bernie Sanders. If he wants to spend one billion of his 60-billion dollar fortune combating both, let him. Maybe he will see himself as a good alternative to either candidate and run an independent campaign. What happens if he wins a few states doing this and makes sure no one has enough electoral votes to win the presidency?

Okay, so Trump’s Supreme Court still installs Donny as POTUS. It goes back to what I said earlier, the average moderate in the country prefers a dick named Trump than a screaming lunatic named Sanders.

Now don’t berate me for my labels. I personally do not think Bernie is a lunatic. However, where do all the trillions of dollars come from to pay for his ideas? Remember, Jerry Brown was pretty far to the left. Look at his pet project; a bullet train. It was sold to California voters at a cost of nine billion dollars and has now increased to a mere $68 billion while being scaled back to about half the length it was originally promised.  That cost is likely to double by the time it is decades late from its promised completion date.

No state is as far left as California is and I do not see free college tuition, affordable housing, or free health care much less paved roads or affordable energy.

As bad as Trump is for his lack of class and humanity, Bernie is just as bad for the nation when it comes to being unable to deliver the goods. Maybe, just maybe, Michael Bloomberg sees this and figures why not flood the airwaves with slick ads promoting himself and see if they stick with the voters in the fall.

Either way, I am getting my team in place early and seriously considering my second run for the White House in 2024 (Moore in 24’ has a nice ring).

Dear Jim,

What was the most overrated news story from February? There is so much sensationalism it becomes hard to determine what is and is not a serious item to read. Thanks. A Confused News Junkie

Dear Junkie,

The most overrated news story of February was from the NFL combine that reported about a punter doing 25 reps on the bench press. I watched the video and was impressed. The punter actually out lifted many offensive and defensive linemen who outweighed him by one hundred pounds. This 226-pound punter was bench pressing 225 pounds like it was me bench pressing ten pound dumb bells.

However, the guy is a punter and the last time I checked, he wants to earn a living kicking a football. This requires the use of his legs and not his arms so I have to question why he put so much time into something that has nothing to do with his athletic requirements.

There are a couple of things I believe in. One; never date a woman who can beat the crap out of you unless you are into that sort of thing, and two; never draft a punter whose biceps are bigger than his quads. This guy might have bench pressed his way to internet fame, but he may have also benched himself out of an NFL job.

Until next month, March to your own beat.