Moore’s March Letters

Well, were are into March and it means it is time for the third edition of letters to myself.

Dear Jim,
Can you explain to me why we have day light savings? It doesn’t make sense to me. Does it mean we go from 25 hour days to 23 hour days or is it the other way around?

You ask an excellent question. If I am correct, by springing forward, we now have 25 hour days which comes to us in the form of an extra hour of sunlight. I believe this is the result of the tanning lotion industry which has an unusually strong lobby in Congress. By adding an extra hour of sun light to go along with the hole in our ozone, we are forced to purchase more sunscreen to protect ourselves from the damaging UV rays.

But don’t overlook other factors that come into play. More sun exposure also mean more lotion to keep our skin from drying out. It requires a new wardrobe so we can show off our golden tan. The flip flop industry (no, not congress, but actually makers of flip flops) depend on this added hour just as much as makers of beach towells. When you think about all that goes into an added hour of light and one more hour in the day, it should be no surprise many want to see us adapt this on a year round basis.

Dear Jim,
What are your thoughts about the president and this Stormy Daniels woman? Is she a threat to his presidency? Will a porn star bring down Trump or is she just another in a long list of women looking to profit off their time with him?

Stormy is the real deal. Trump tried to gag her once before and then pay her off with $130,000.00. That’s a mouthful of Benjamins if you ask me. Now he wants her gagged again, with what, I am not sure, but you can bet it is with more than anything Trump has to offer. My take is, no matter what comes of this, hopefully it isn’t Trump, he will still have the full support of his base because most of them think only a gay man would say no to Stormy. They would turn on him if he turned her down.

Still, Trump should be worried. Have you seen the steely cold eyes of Melania? He’d be a fool to crawl in the same bed as her and doze off. Let’s just say visions of Lorena Bobbitt dance through her head and if she ever has the chance, I think she wouldn’t hesitate to take a slice of Trump before walking out on him.

Dear Jim,
Who do you have in your basketball pool for March Madness? Is there any conference you see that can field more than one team in the Final Four?

Well, since I just got done talking about a porn star, my money is on the Big 12 conference and then the Big Ten. Beyond those two conferences, I think it is anyone’s guess what might play out. That said, because betting goes against my cheapness, I will not wager a dime on the NCAA basketball tournament. Besides, whoever wins it this year will just be stripped of their title in three years for doing the horrific crime of paying their players under the table.

Dear Jim,
It looks like President Trump will be meeting with North Korea’s leader in a few months. Do you think they will reach agreement on anything that will make the Korean Peninsula relax and not worry about a nuclear war?

Here is what I think might happen. Trump and Kim will come to an agreement on North Korea releasing the three Americans they hold hostage in exchange for Trump building Kim his own Mar-A-Lago. I believe Trump will also offer Kim the personal services of Stormy Daniels in exchange for getting rid of his nuclear weapons program. Last, but not least, Trump will provide Kim free copies of his book, The Art of The Deal, in exchange for Kim’s recipe for a Korean bowl. My sources tell me Trump has tired of his usual Mexican bowl even though he still loves the Mexicans.

Dear Jim,
Now that the president has signed off on a steel tariff, what affect will it have on our economy? Are you concerned?

I am not the least bit concerned about this tariff. Maybe it will have a negative affect on our economy and lead to an even larger trade war, but then, I really don’t care. Why? Because I drink beer out of a bottle. You see, if you prefer tossing back cold ones in aluminum cans, you should be concerned because the price of your six pack is going to rise. However, bottled beer will benefit because unless I am mistaken, there isn’t any form of steel in bottles. Now, if there is ever a sand tariff and the price of glass increases 25 percent, there will be hell to pay.

Dear Jim,
Coke recently announced they are going to produce an alcoholic drink. Do you think it will be a success? Would you be willing to try it?

I am not sure they got the memo that says rum and coke is a staple of old farts from my generation. Todays drinkers seem to want fancy flavored martinis or exotic sounding margaritas more than a basic rum and coke. They may have their work cut out for them.

As to whether or not I would be willing to try it, it all depends on whether or not they are looking for a spokesperson. Let’s face it, money talks and I am now on a fixed income so I will pitch any product if the money is right. Otherwise, I recommend the next time you want to try something fun that will knock you on your ass, order a Skip and Go Naked. A nice ice cold mug of beer with a shot of gin in it will help you forget anything that bothers you.

Dear Jim,
Is it just me or does it seem like everyone in every profession is bitching about their jobs these days. Is there any career a person can go into that will bring them joy and financial security?

No.s face it, our economy is based on making us all miserable at work and then brain washing us to think we can find happiness with the latest electronic gadget, new car, or mind escaping video game. We are all over worked and under paid and it is going to remain this way for a long time.

My suggestion is to leave the country and go live elsewhere. I here a lot of good things about life in eastern Africa, central Asia, and Newfoundland. You might also want to check out the areas of Uzbekistan, Pakistan, or any other nation than ends with stan.

If I was young and starting my career all over, there is no way I begin teaching in sunny southern California. I think instead, I would choose to teach ice making to Eskimos because it has become a lost art.

Dear Jim,
Have you any advice on how to raise kids in today’s world? With all the school shootings and decadence that exist is in our society, it seems like it is more challenging today to raise happy and healthy children than at any time in our history.

See above answer. You might also add to the list Syria.

Dear Jim,
As a retired teacher, I bet you were happy to see the recent victory of teachers in West Virginia who went on strike to win a pay raise.

I was not impressed. First, let me just say, teachers, like all other professions, are over worked and under paid. That said, I never knew a teacher who struggled with their work who became better at their job because of a pay raise. More money in any profession is only nice on pay day. The other days will still suck if you do nothing to solve the problems that result in dissatisfaction.

You pay an American more money and they will find a way to live beyond their means. That’s the problem we live with. Just like we do not know what portion control is when we eat, we also do not know money control when it comes to living on a budget.

My solution is, if you are unhappy with your job, leave it. Go find happiness in another job if you think it is possible. If it isn’t, then accept the fact you made a bad career choice and go buy lottery tickets.

Dear Jim,
Why do you hate our president so much? He seems like a swell guy who wants to make America Great Again.

I don’t hate our president. I just hate Donald Trump. You see, I look at Trump and all I see is 500 pounds of fertilizer in a 240 pound wind bag. I do not see a president. I am living my life under the idea we do not have a president until at least January of 2021. Until then, we have some clown with the worst tanning job and comb over on the planet who is just being cared for on the taxpayers’ dollar while he attends Political Camp in the Oval Office.

Anyone who sees a leader or a president when they look at Donny should be automatically disqualified from owning a gun. On the bright side, thanks to Trump, we dont have Pence as president. Pray Trump does’t choke on a toy soldier when he plays war games on a Persian carpet in the White House because Pence is one weird dude.

As always, thank you for the great questions. Keep sending them to me.

Top photo of Stormy Daniels is a YouTube screenshot