MTV: Metamucil, Tempur-Pedic, Viagra

I saw an article in my newspaper today about Sunday night’s MTV awards show. There was no point in my reading it since the mere fact I still read a newspaper is a sure sign I have no clue about today’s music scene. It only served to remind me that while I am still able to remember when MTV debuted with “Video Killed The Radio Star,” I am too old to care about what passes as music today.

Still, it got me to thinking about when Dire Straits sang, “I Want My MTV” (“Money for Nothing”) There was a time when I was in college and loved music videos. I even considered going to film school and once received the ultimate compliment in a class where I presented a music video, “Wow! That was cooler than anything on MTV.”

Now, at the age of 57, I will admit I still want my MTV even though it has been 20 years since I last saw it and today it stands for Metamucil, Tempur-Pedic, and Viagra. In fact, I want more than just my MTV.

For starters, I want my memory. There was a great U2 video to the song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I Am Looking For.” Today, I still don’t remember what I was looking for. I know I will as soon as I sit back down and go onto something else. However, the distance between my desk and the garage is just too great for me to hold a thought.

REM once sang, “What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?” which I am pretty sure had to do with sex. Today, it probably has more to do with how many times Michael Stipe has to get up to pee at night. I now sleep in four-hour shifts instead of a solid twelve-hour block like I once could.

The Melissa Etheridge song, “Come To My Window,” which featured Juliette Lewis was another one of my favorites. Today, I have to admit, there are times I feel like screaming, “Come to my window because I feel like Jerry Lewis,” when the mailman pulls up to my box. Yes, I admit, I wouldn’t mind having some of my youth back. I don’t need all of it, just enough to assure myself I am not in danger of tearing my Achilles Tendon or losing my equilibrium and falling over when I bounce out of my recliner.

I also always liked the Genesis video for “Land of Confusion” in which there are some great puppets of famous artists and world leaders like Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher. Today, I am happy when I look in the mirror and resemble The Gipper more than the Iron Lady. It confuses me to no end to look at a person I no longer recognize as me.

To tell you the truth, I was not even aware MTV was still on the air. My wife and I prefer our HGTV to most other things on television. I am also a sucker for my SVU, CNN, and AARP. Now I am at a point in life where I know I do not get my money for nothing and I get really angry when others who do nothing get my money. Still, I enjoy the early bird specials where if I buy a beer I get my chips for free.

Metamucil, Tempur-Pedic, and Viagra is enough to keep me rocking in the free world. “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” may some day replace Tom Petty’s, “Free Fallin’,” but until then, I will walk this way until I can’t take the pain any longer and get my aching knees and hips replaced.

I wonder if Downtown Julie Brown is still on MTV.

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Editor’s note: At the MTV Music Video Awards Kanye West announced he would be running for president in 2020.