NFL Week 5: Peanut will get better

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Week five is in the books and the only thing sicker than my little dog Peanut are the Cleveland Browns. At least Peanut will get better because his future is not in the hands of Browns management. How bad are they? With television ratings down 13 percent and owners grumbling about lost revenue, Roger Goodell ‘s promising to build a wall around Cleveland and replacing the franchise with Ohio State.

Not far behind Cleveland would be my San Francisco 49ers. Had it not been for the mickey they slipped into the Rams Gatorade in week one, they’d be winless. About the only thing uglier than the words about women uttered by Donald Trump is the way the 49ers play football. At least Trump will be gone by early November.

Colin Kaepernick (YouTube)
Colin Kaepernick (YouTube)

Niners fans were heard to be yelling, “We want Kap,” during their Thursday night dump. Do they really want Colin Kaepernick to replace Blane Gabbert? NO! They were really demanding free team caps from the franchise to hide the bald spots they have from pulling out their hair in frustration.

Cardinals 33 49ers 21

Now, on to the rest of the league.

Roger Goodell does have a heart. Despite handing down a four-game suspension to Tom Brady for Deflategate, he was kind enough to schedule an extra preseason game against Cleveland for his return.

Pats 33 Cleveland 13

The New York Sullys had to play the Pittsburgh Steelers who chose to wear their vintage striped uniforms. The last time this many football players wore stripes was in the 70s when John Madden held team meetings at San Quentin.

Steelers 31 Jets 13

It’s about time Philly fans start booing Carson Wentz now that he finally lost a game and tossed an interception. Now that the Eagles lost to the Detroit Kitty Kats, Philly fans are probably wishing they still had some guy named McNabb. The Eagles are in good hands and Detroit is, well, they are Detroit.

Lions 24 Eagles 23

In the first of two Toilet Bowl games in which the winner is the losing team because it places them right on the heels of the Browns for the first pick in next year’s draft, the Indiancrapalloverus Colts blew it with a come from behind victory over the Chicago Bears. The Midgets of the Midway made sure they had a chance to win by not playing Jay Cutler, but in the end it was not enough.

Super Bowl 50 MVP Von Miller of the Denver Broncos
Super Bowl 50 MVP Von Miller of the Denver Broncos

Colts 29 Bears 23

In Toilet Bowl II, fans were treated to an afternoon nap between the Titans and Dolphins. Miami is doing their best to topple Cleveland as the worst team in the league by getting themselves caught in another giant tuna net. How bad are they? Dolphin fans are looking to trade next year’s top pick to the Bears for Jay Cutler.

Titans 30 Dolphins 17

Three in a row. Not titles, wins for the Washington Redskins since they toppled the Ravens.Washington is a lot like a guy’s underwear: very streaky. Right now, they are riding high, but it is just a matter of time before there is an ugly mess to clean up.

Redskins 16 Ravens 10

How good is Minnesota? We don’t know since they played the Houston Texans who somehow are in first place in the AFC South, but probably would be in last place in most other divisions. Still, the Vikings are not headed toward Valhalla yet. They look to go deep into the playoffs with their defense dominating everyone.

Vikings 31 Texans 13

Denver fans can either relax or crap in their beer, it is just a matter of whether or not you are an optimist.A home loss to the Falcons is no big deal when you consider they played a rookie whose first name is Paxton at quarterback. However, if he has to keep playing, Denver might be able to trade for a QB named Brock for a low round pick as a band aide.

Falcons 23 Broncos 16

The Dallas Cowboys have finally done what Jerry Jones has been doing for a while now, get a facelift. With the infusion of the Dak and Ezekiel show, Dallas has an offense to go with a strong defense. The only thing that can screw it up is Jerry Jones taking over the coaching duties, but what are the odds of that happening?

Cowboys 28 Bengals 14

And then there are the San Diego Gaggers who continue to do their Keystone Cops impression with another late game brain fart. The fact this time they did it at the benefit of the now 4 and 1 Oakland Raiders has to make Charger fans feel like puking their stadium hot dogs and beer. San Diego’s woes are so bad, their stadium now only sells beer in the fourth quarter hoping fans will get too drunk to remember what they witnessed.

Melvin Gordon of the San Diego Chargers
Melvin Gordon of the San Diego Chargers

Raiders 34 Chargers 31

Another streaky team is the Buffalo Bills who suddenly look like the Washington Redskins. Meanwhile, the Rams reminded their fans not to get too excited about them. With their number one pick still not playing and Case Keenum doing a mediocre job, this team is going to be an exercise in frustration.

Bills 30 Rams 19

Aaron Rogers did all he could to keep the New York Giants in the game by tossing two first half interceptions, something that happens to him at Lambeau field about as often as Donald Trump pays taxes. However, it was not enough to overcome Eli Manning’s imitation of Ryan Tannenhill. Green Bay will need to step up their game if they want to over take the Vikings. As for the Giants, well, at least they are not the Jets … yet.

Monday Night Prediction:

I am feeling a bit clairvoyant and will go out on a limb with this week’s Monday Night game. The game will end in a scoreless tie and no one will know because ESPN will decide to replay last Sunday’s debate.

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Editor’s Note: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers pulled out a win against the Carolina Panthers, 17-14.

Photos by Claudia Gestro, unless otherwise noted
Top photo: Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers.