Plenty of thanks to go around

My calendar is telling me it is that time of year again in which we feel obligated to share with others all we are thankful for. I have much of the usual things in life others are thankful for; love, family, security, and freedom to name a few. However, I want to focus on some of the lesser known things not only I am thankful for, but perhaps some of you are as well.

Trump Supporters: For nothing more than flashing a giant middle finger at the rest of the world and showing what can happen when a bunch of pissed off white Americans organize themselves into an army of chaos. I am sure the rest of the nation will thank you in time as well.

Clinton Supporters: You have given women hope while also causing us to pause to realize what a bunch of lying sacks of crap film, television, and musical stars are. Like Hillary, they showed they would say anything to win an election (threaten moving to Canada) and then flip-flop when all is said and done.

Gary Johnson: I am not sure Gary has any supporters, but thanks anyway for making us realize just how many people are willing to considered such an open minded and yet uninformed person for president when all we are left to choose from is a douche bag and a Clinton. BTW: Gary, Christmas is on December 25th in case you are unaware of it.

Vladimir Putin: You sneaky bastard. You are not the homophobe I would have thought you to be and you openly came out in support of your boy Donald. Melania might be the first lady, but you will be the first bro. Nice work.

The CIA: Your ability to determine Russia fiddled with our election process is unbelievable, especially since you were unable to see it ever happening. I feel so secure when I go to sleep knowing you guys have our backs.

Donna Brazile and Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Anything men can do, woman can do too. Because of you two, we now know female politicos are just as corrupt and under handed as males.

Bernie Sanders: For making it cool for college kids to ask their peers if they feel the Bern without feeling embarrassed about who they shagged. This has been long over due.

Anthony Weiner: The real gift that keeps on giving. I just wish your first name was Richard so we could say, “That Weiner is a real Dick,” without being liable for defaming your great character.

Huma Abedin: You were brave, loyal, and trustworthy to Hillary, but in the end, you showed us all that not all arranged marriages turn out as well as Hillary and Bill’s. May your next marriage work out better than Hillary’s second run for the White House.

CNN and FOX News: You showed Americans if politicians can flip-flop then there is no reason why news networks can’t either. We fully expected one to slobber and profit over all things Trump and the other to wage a war against him, we just thought it would have been done the opposite as it was.

Roger Goodell: Because you really care about player safety more than spouse/girlfriend safety, you allow football fans to see the healthiest players each week while the rest of the nation scratches their heads and wonders whether or not you suffer from CTE.

College Football: You have helped this nation finally understand the term oxymoron through your use of the term student-athlete. We are all smarter because of you.

Standing Rockers: You reminded us of the importance of preserving our own environment from big oil companies and their profits while we ignore what they do in other nations just so we can still drive our gas guzzlers.

#Blacklivesmatter: Because if I don’t thank you, you are likely to show up uninvited at the next speech I give and take the microphone from me and go on a rant. BTW: I charge $60 bucks an hour plus gas, food, and lodging for speeches.

Islam and Syrian Refugees: For making us understand the difference between real Christians and posers. Unfortunately, the posers are in the White House for the next four years.

Millennials: For refusing to be swayed by the traditional media when it comes to making up your mind.

Baby Boomers: For showing Millenials how much they will change over the next 40 years.

For Everyone Else In Between: For paying through the nose just so millenials and baby boomers can be who they are.

Dead Musicians: You reminded us what real genius sounds like and just how important it is to appreciate it while we still have it. Your music is what I turn to to help calm me when the craziness that we now call normal life takes over.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings, and most of all, Happy Festivus to all, and to all a good night, or at least a pleasant nap.