March happens to be Women’s History Month and this year there is a move to change the face of the twenty dollar bill from Andrew Jackson to a deserving woman. If you go on line, listen to talk radio, or watch any cable news, you have probably heard people discuss whether or not we need to make a woman the face of the twenty dollar bill and if so, who should that woman be.
I have noticed that these conversations tend to exclude men which makes me think women do not think we can make a smart choice when it comes to placing a woman on a twenty dollar bill.
Since most Americans, male and female, are ignorant when it comes to our history and since our history books have done a pretty good job of down playing the role of women in our history, I thought I would put together my list of twenty women I think are worthy of being the new face of the twenty dollar bill. I know I am just a man and probably do not know better, but here is my list in no particular order:
- Kim Kardashian: Let’s just get the obvious over first. If you want guys to save their money and with interest rates practically nothing in bank accounts, place Kim’s face on the front side and her back side on the back side and you will see men hanging onto their money. In fact, if you make the bill like one of those pens where if you turn it one way her clothes fall off, it will be worth more than twenty bucks.
Lorena Bobbitt: Hey, she cut off her husband’s “Bobbitt” and what woman has not wished she could do that to a man at some time? I would recommend a mug shot of her on the front and a photo of the evidence on the back to make it complete.
- Gloria Allred: How about an All Red twenty featuring her standing at a microphone giving a press conference on the front with her bright red lips on the back? Men would trade these for two tens and just give one of them to their ex rather than be caught dead with a “Gloria” in their wallet.
- Joan Rivers: What could be better than Joan’s face on the twenty? How about a talking Joan hurling one of her classic insults about what the cashier is wearing or how pathetic the service is?
- Tonya Harding: Besides wishing you could cut off a man’s penis, what woman has never thought about hiring a couple of thugs to beat the crap out of their “competition?” Ever seen Mean Girls? She is the cure for those b!&*%es.
- Hillary Clinton: It is quite possible she will be the first woman elected POTUS and be quite deserving of such an honor. What better way to honor her than with a new twenty dollar bill with her picture missing and an email in its place?
- Rosie O’Donnell: This would satisfy women and LGBT groups who want greater representation, but also places someone on the twenty who dresses worse than Hillary and is not as funny as Joan.
- Courtney Love: Come on, she should be at least considered since there wasn’t anything she would not do to score twenty bucks worth of crack.
Sarah Palin: So there is no chance she will ever be POTUS, but she doesn’t know this. If we place her on the twenty, she might think she has already been president and might just go away — for good.
- Oprah Winfrey: She may be offended by this since she could probably buy the U.S. Mint. Besides, she would insist her picture be on all paper currency just like it is on all the covers of her own magazine.
- Jodi Arias: Women already have all the serial killers in prison to write to and go visit, so let’s make men happy by placing a picture of the only crazy female in prison they have fantasized about.
- Madonna: This might take a little work to do but a fresh crisp twenty should show Madge like a virgin and an old crinkled up one would transform into her falling off a stage.
- Michelle Obama: The First Lady can have a photo of her flexing those famous arms on the front with a picture of an uneaten school lunch on the back. The twenty would then become synonymous for the price kids pay to have a pizza delivered to school.
- Michele Bachman: By 2020, a twenty dollar bill will be pretty much worthless which explains the political career of quite possibly the one woman who never understood what planet she lived on while in office.
- Miley Cyrus: How many men out there have slipped a twenty to a hot stripper who personally twerked for them? How many women out there have taken a twenty for personally twerking for a man? Case close.
- Ronda Rousey: She can beat the crap out of any woman on the planet. She can also beat the crap out of most men on the planet. Now, who wants to be the one to tell her she can’t be the face of the new twenty?
Nancy Grace: She might be known as the face that covers every “Trial of the Century,” but her scowl has PMS written all over it. What better way to remind everyone what women look like one week out of every month?
- Kirstie Alley: What woman does not complain about their weight? Why not place “Fat” Kirstie on the front and “Thin” Kristie on the back to remind women of what they will look like if they drop a twenty on some Girls Scout Thin Mints as opposed to taking a spin class at a local gym?
- Barbie: Okay, so she is a doll and she is not real. Still, think of the influence she has had over the years? The perfect body, tons of clothes, sporty cars and good looking men to pick from; correct me if I am wrong but isn’t this what all women really want?
- Betty White: Is there anyone who does not love Betty White? Is there anyone who does not love a twenty? Enough said.
Jim is a life long resident of California and retired school teacher with 30 years in public education. Jim earned his BA in History from CSU Chico in 1981 and his MA in Education from Azusa Pacific University in 1994. He is also the author of Teaching The Teacher: Lessons Learned From Teaching. Jim considers himself an equal opportunity pain in the ass to any political party, group, or individual who looks to profit off of hypocrisy. When he is not pointing out the conflicting words and actions of our leaders, the NFL commissioner, or humans in general, he can be found riding his bike for hours on end while pondering his next article. Jim recently moved to Camarillo, CA after being convinced to join the witness protection program.