My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is no bueno

1 1/2 out of 4 stars

Please don’t RSVP to this wedding or even think about sending a gift.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 isn’t worthy of dating, let alone taking a stroll down the aisle, which are harsh words after America fell in love with its predecessor that introduced us to the power of love, family, Opa and Windex, maybe not in that order.

But a lot has changed since 2002, when My Big Fat Greek Wedding became the highest-grossing independent movie in history, earning more than $368.7 million worldwide — $241 million domestically — and an Oscar nomination for Nia Vardalos for best original screenplay.

This marriage may not live very long — and it has nothing to do with Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice ready to destroy it at the box office this weekend.

The Portkalos family is like an old couple: when you first meet them, you’re captivated by the idiosyncrasies and zaniness, but after a while, they’re not funny. They’re just old. Toula (Vardalos) and husband Ian (John Corbett) became boring parents of an angry, 17-year-old daughter named Paris (Elena Kampouris), who wants nothing more than to leave her overbearing family behind and run off to college. Toula’s parents Gus (88-year-old Michael Constantine) and Maria (Lainie Kazan, 75) aren’t as witty, and while Andrea Martin returns to play Aunt Voula, she’s just not as memorable as she was 14 years ago.

Martin’s character certainly steals her share of scenes this time around, just not with the gusto she once did. You are waiting for her to deliver the perfect wisecrack at the perfect moment to rekindle the audience’s love affair with My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but it never comes. There’s no “What do you mean he don’t eat no meat? That’s OK. I make lamb” that made you want to raise a shot glass and yell “Opa!” during the original.

This time, it’s more like “No-pa!”

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is just too disjointed. The intricate weaving of the family members’ lives that fueled the first film becomes unraveled quickly since the jokes just aren’t as funny. My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is more like a subpar spin-off to the ill-fated My Big Fat Greek Life that lasted seven episodes in 2003.

It’s like no one in the family grew up. Gus is still stubborn, arguing that everything in the world has Greek lineage, a splash of Windex can still cure anything and that he’s a descendant of Alexander the Great. Maria is still the overbearing mother and grandma who treats Toula and Paris as if they’re in grade school; Ian’s once intriguing character has become as stale as his and Tuola’s sex life; Tuola’s brother Nick (Louis Mandylor) is vastly under used; cousin Nikki (Gia Carides) brings little more than cleavage; and cousin Angelo (Joey Fatone) and his secret represent a wasted opportunity.

But thank goodness for Bess Meisler, who provides bursts of joy throughout the 94-minute film by generating laughs without saying a word as Tuola’s grandmother Yiayia.

Collectively, it’s just not enough to salvage a film with such high expectations. Fourteen years ago, the world fell in love with Toula and Ian and all of their crazy cousins. But love can fade if it doesn’t evolve. My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 looks like it’s stuck in the mid-2000s, banking on time to heal all wounds and pretend this sequel is just as good as the original, or at least pretty close.

In the end, the sequel leaves a stain on the original.

One that not even Windex can wash away.