Seven Weeks, March 8th: Here Comes the Sun

For the past four weeks, my priority has been knocking out three fires: depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Unfortunately, my pain and fatigue are worsening. The past two weeks, each weekday I have had two appointments a day, sometimes three. With the driving, meeting with doctors or physical therapists, and filling out forms, I need to be able to focus so I am not taking my pain medication throughout the day. By the time I arrive home from my final appointment, I am in terrible pain that has sucked all my energy. I’m happy if I take Bug for a walk that covers just a couple of blocks.

Somewhere between two and three in the afternoon, I load up with three painkillers and a muscle relaxer hoping they provide enough relief for me to feel like eating some dinner and still get to bed before they wear off. However, my body has been on a tear and now it takes me two to three hours before I receive any sort of relief that if I am lucky will last two or three hours.

My eight hours of pain relief is less than half that and it’s contributing to my craving for alcohol. I know enough that if I wash down one or two pain pills with a beer or two, relief will come faster. I also know if I keep consuming beer, I will get the full eight hours of relief. I will also be up all night making trips to the bathroom, wake with a hangover, and have more pain to look forward to.

If this continues, it is just a matter of time before my logic is replaced by bad choices. I have access to one decent pain specialist, one decent neurologist, one decent mental health center and not much else. I may have saved money finding an affordable home with all I sought, but the real price I am paying is with quality options for healthcare. Everything in life comes with a price and it is not always in the form of money.

By late yesterday afternoon, I was in enough pain that my roommate asked if I needed help. Instantly, I feel like I am a burden. In a matter of a couple of hours I have gone from feeling pretty good to total shit. I think, “Who the hell is ever going to want this in their life?”

It’s expecting a lot from anyone and I am reminded that all that comes with this ongoing pain, my anxiety and depression especially, is a relationship killer. I remind myself, it is through being alone that a person achieves inner peace. Maybe I just need to sell my house, move to Tibet, and join a monastery. Maybe the mosquitoes won’t be as bad as they are in Chico.

Pity gets me nowhere. I see a text from the wife of my old college roommate Walter. She tells me he is finally home after two weeks in the hospital. Half his life is spent in a hospital. He has tubes coming out of him everywhere as well as a colostomy bag, urine collector, and a bucket or two for when he is sick to his stomach. His body has more scars than were needed to stitch together Frankenstein.

When he feels well enough to get up and walk a short distance, he must contend with the vertigo he was left with when doctors over prescribed an antibiotic. His will to continue fighting is more than just a little inspiring to me. It’s always a much needed wake up call. I can compare myself to those who have it better than me and feel crappy or I can be thankful for all I have knowing so many others are worse off.

“Little darling, it’s been a long, cold, lonely winter. Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here.”

The only Beatle I ever connected with was George Harrison. To me, his were the best Beatle tunes and his solo work was deeper than the other three. He had a natural attraction to eastern philosophy, and his voice had a sadness to it that I always related to. There was a simultaneous simplicity and depth to his lyrics and he always cared more about what his music could do for those abandoned by nations than he cared about his bank account.

Tomorrow is daylight savings and I can see and feel sunlight at the end of winter’s tunnel. Bug has had to be alone more lately due to all my appointments so we headed right out this morning for a nice walk. I could see he was as happy to be outside as I was.

Then I began preparing the house for the warmer days that will soon be here. Roll down blinds for the back patio were first on my list followed by a shade barrier along my west wall. Vinca was planted along a side fence before installing a border out back for a walking path.

As usual, I had to make myself stop with the hope I would not pay the price this evening with pain. It’s hard for me to sit still when I know I still have watering systems to install, planting, mulching, and weeding, and organizing that needs doing. It will get done.

As a kid, my year revolved around sports seasons. There was no winter, spring, summer or fall for me. In their place was football, basketball, soccer, and baseball seasons. If I needed a change of pace, there was hockey, swimming, and track and field. Unless it was pouring rain, I lived to be outside and active. My athletic days might be over, but I still enjoy wearing out myself doing projects that keep me outside. Constant movement has always been a primary source for my happiness.

Since my bike accident in 2007, there are things I have had to give up and adjustments I have had to make. I’ve seen myself go from no longer able to use a hammer to pound in nails to now having trouble using a cordless drill and screws. Other than my to-do lists, I have had to change how I write. Whereas I used to always put pen to paper before typing out final drafts on my computer, I now use a keyboard because gripping a pen or pencil is a struggle.

Moving forward, I know there are more adjustments I must make, more people I will need to rely on, and more things I will have to stop entirely. Aging is not fun for anyone, but for someone who relies on movement for mental therapy, getting older can be demoralizing. I remind myself I am going to hurt most days whether I am active or not so I might as well go down kicking, throwing, digging, as well as screaming.

March 9th: Good Vibrations

Today, I am up at five, which twenty-four hours earlier was four because of last night’s time change. It was a restless night so I gave up on sleeping and easing into daylight savings. I feel off. It’s not pain nearly as much as in my head. Perhaps it was the poor sleep, but it feels more like depression. My mood has been improving this past week so if what I feel is indeed depression, I will be extra disappointed because I am past the halfway mark in TMS and should see consistent improvement from here on.

Bug has no idea about any time change. He does his usual. He rolls onto his back while I clear my cobwebs knowing full well he is about to get his chest and belly massaged. Then he goes outside to do his business before curling up in a chair and going back to sleep. I am on the first of two cups of coffee and checking the headlines.

`By 7:30, I am in my gym and beginning what will be 90 minutes of mostly rehab exercises and specific stretches. I have not seen much improvement in my hamstring and now realize my issue is probably nerve related because sitting has become uncomfortable. Prior to my workout, I turned my office desk into a standing desk by placing milk crates on top. A pain in my foot has resulted in a giant pain in my ass and leg and I need to find a way to stop aggravating it.

The exercises I have are not fun but I just have to think back to my five years of physical therapy being put back together after my accident to remind myself things can always be worse. When I finish, I squeeze in a couple of core exercises before heading out the door with Bug for his morning walk. Bug reminds me of what I must have been like as a kid. He has endless energy and loves being outside. He behaves well on his leash this morning until he is distracted for the first time.

As soon as Bug sees a bird, squirrel, or dog in the park, he moves from one distraction to the next like my brain did in school while math, spelling, reading, and pretty much everything else went on around me. By the time we get home, Bug has been pulling on the leash like he is in the Iditarod sled race. Once unleashed, he runs out back through the doggy door to see if there is a cat, or anything else to chase. I check my phone and there is a text telling me my massage is cancelled again.

That’s okay. As much as I want my piriformis worked over, I have plenty of fallback plans. I begin with my patio. It needs to be straightened up and during my walk I realized what would work perfectly. I set about reorganizing the four foot by seven foot bookcase, using it to hold my tools and various screws, nuts, bolts, and shop crap. I attach one of those quad folding room dividers to hide the organizing before start setting up a space in my “shack” for all my gardening tools and supplies.

Everything is going great and I begin thinking of what task I will move onto next when suddenly, I feel like there is an explosion that goes off inside me. Within a couple of minutes, I have gone from an enjoyable and productive morning to a frantic state. The pain I feel spreading all over my body does not take any prisoners. As pain attacks go, this rates as the fastest one I have felt and among the worst.  I scramble to finish the patio and shack. Once I finish, I head right to the kitchen and swallow a day’s worth of Norco and a muscle relaxer.

I try slowing myself down but I still feel as if my body is attacking itself and I have things I need to do before I shower. Bug needs feeding, garbage needs taking to the street, and I better put something that passes as food into my stomach. I am about to check out for the day.

Once showered, I head right to bed and hope to fall asleep. If I can relax enough to sleep, my body will stop tensing up. Bug joins me but seems puzzled. This is not bedtime but he decides laying in bed with me in the middle of the day is too good to pass up. After an hour of calmly waiting for slumber, I give up. Bug is terribly disappointed by my decision and I am not looking forward to whatever my body has in store for me. I remind myself I am fortunate, but even as I stand and type away, I can see and hear neighbors outside enjoying what is glorious spring weather.

My body will never find peace until my soul finds it. However, there is no quick fix to what I am dealing with. I did not get angry over another cancelled massage and I chose to remain present and ditch feeling sorry for myself. For four and a half hours, I had a wonderful morning. That’s a victory. What I choose to do between now and going to bed tonight, can either be a victory or defeat. The outcome will not be determined entirely by my pain level. My level of inner peace will determine if I look back on today with a smile or frown.

I have begun my second journal of quotes. The first quote I wrote down is from Osho: “Don’t seek, don’t search, don’t ask, don’t knock, don’t demand — relax. If you relax, it comes. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, you start vibrating with it.” I intend to relax and go wherever comes naturally knowing by doing so, today will be a total success.

March 10th: Little Victories

My day began with feeling like I needed to swallow some pain meds. I actually slept great but by the time I walked to the bathroom, my body was screaming at me. “I need to check the barometer,” I remind myself.

Sure enough, it was below thirty. I then look at the weather forecast and see a wet week is heading my way. Instead of reaching for Norco, I decide to pop a few Extra Strength Tylenol and see how they do. I have stuff to get done today and I can’t do it if I am on Norco and muscle relaxers. If rain is heading my way, I want to get some ground cover planted so Mother Nature will water it for free. Before I can do that, I need to do my rehab work and walk Bug. I also have a dental appointment and TMS. It will be late afternoon before I do any planting.

Living with what feels like the aches and pains that come with a flu bug gets old. Spine pain that restricts my arms and slams the back of my head is also no fun and the fatigue that comes with this is exhausting. I have come to the realization this is just how my life is going to be going forward which is all the more reason why I am working on my brain.

Besides seeing improvement from the TMS, I am also learning to incorporate my Buddhist lessons. My focus is on remaining calm with things that normally would set me off.

While in the garden section of my local Ace Hardware store, I received a phone call. It’s 12:10 and my dentist office is calling to tell me they have to cancel my appointment which is for 1:30. This is the second time they have cancelled which is normally enough to set me off. Why are they waiting to tell me the dentist is sick  I smell bullshit.

I could have chewed out the person calling and told her how I had to move up my TMS appointment so I could get to the dentist on time. I could have also told her I had to tell my roommate I could not pick her up at the auto shop where she was dropping her car off. She was just the messenger doing a thankless job. Instead, I made a new appointment, purchased some ground cover, and headed to TMS. Since it let me out earlier than normal, I was home by one and got right to work planting the groundcover.

I am beginning to let go of the usual irritants that I have struggled with in the past. It is a small victory, but a thousand small victories will add up to great change over time. Each day is a separate life. By approaching my days in this manner, I am able to focus on the main goal of any life; make it enjoyable and feel good about my contribution to the world.

If my only success is feeling good about tearing into an office worker for canceling my appointment, my life today would have been a waste. Instead, I navigated a minor annoyance and used it to finish a project all while not ruining someone’s day. I call that successful.

Today begins my fifth week of TMS and I try not to get ahead of myself, but one thing I find myself thinking about is when I am finished, should I ask Vicki on a date. She is the nurse who I see every day and we share a lot of laughs and from the information I have gathered about her, she is the sort of woman I would like to get to know better. We share a similar sense of humor, love of classic rock music, and both find ourselves at a point in our lives we never thought we would be. However, as a guy who has failed twice in marriage and been dumped by plenty of others, I am not so sure I want to take a risk.

Still, I find myself thinking of a comment I came across that spoke to me. If I am not willing to take a risk, then I am not willing to grow. It’s been two years since Charlene and I split up and maybe I am heading more toward the path of healing because for the first time, I am genuinely interested in taking a risk.

I have three more weeks before deciding anything. However, for the first time I see myself wanting to find out more about another woman who fascinates me and that in itself is a sign of healing. Another victory to enjoy.

March 11th: Finding Myself

The first time I heard U2 sing, “I still haven’t found what I am looking for,” it hit me hard. That simple line summed up how I felt about my life. Decades later, I would come across this quote from Ajahn Chah, “I wandered around looking for places to practice meditation. I didn’t realize the right place is already here, in my heart. All the meditation inside me. Birth, old age, sickness and death are right here with me. I traveled all over looking for the right place to meditate, and stopped only when I was about ready to drop dead from exhaustion. Only then did I find what I was looking for: inside of me.”

It’s no wonder Chico spoke to me when I first moved here in 1979. For the first time in my life, I was no one’s son, brother, friend, or employee. I was just me. Somehow the kid who never committed himself to school work out of fear of proving to doubters I may actually not be all that capable turned into a Dean’s List student.

The natural observer who watched others closely before deciding whether someone was worth the risk of warming up to fit right in with all the rest living on my dorm floor. I shared a common bond with the crew of students I worked with cleaning bathrooms, repairing dorm rooms and manicuring the dorm grounds. It’s no wonder I cried the day I packed up and moved away from Chico in December of 1983. It was the only place that ever felt like home to me.

What I realize today is I was not looking for a place called home as a kid as much as seeking to find my true self. As a child, I always felt like one of the Von Trapp children in The Sound of Music, stuck with a taskmaster father who believed all kids should be the same only to grow distant from them once they sought their independence. Some of my siblings paid dearly as they followed paths that dad did not agree with only to find just how cold he really could become. While our mother always made it clear we were loved by her, it’s the love we go without that hurts.

If you believe life keeps repeating itself, then it makes complete sense I have returned to Chico to once again find what I am looking for. The person, not as much as the place, got lost along the way. He failed to see that all he needed was with him the entire time. I am what I am seeking and all the people, places, and things that have come and gone throughout my life have served to guide me to where I am today. They have all been my teachers and it was I who all too often was failing the lessons they taught. But now, in the darkness of early morning, the quiet and calm allows me to turn inward and realize I am my own path. My footprints are the lessons I have learned and will continue learning until journey’s end. With each step I take, I arrive.

On the surface, today may be no different than most other days. However, underneath it, there is no telling what gifts it may bring or what gifts I might provide to others. Dwelling on yesterday will not help me enjoy today any more than worrying about what might come tomorrow. The gift is now and with each of the thousands of steps I take today, I can choose to ignore its offerings or arrive. I am here because I am now.

Or as Ramana Maharshi said, “There is neither creation or destruction, neither destiny nor free will, neither path nor achievement. This is the final truth. There is neither the past nor future. There is only the present.”

Albert Einstein wrote, “A human being experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. The delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to the affection of a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

With each step today, I will do as Desmond Tutu suggested, “Do your little bit of good where you are: it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.”

This morning, I spent an hour and 40 minutes in physical therapy. This was after I did a light workout at home and walked Bug. There never seems to be a rush when I am at PT. Employees always pitch in and are constantly helping the clients assigned to other colleagues so as soon as I finish one exercise, someone is right there to get me going on the next. By the time I was finished, I was sore from the work but felt grateful for all the attention I received.

An hour after I got home, I was at TMS. Normally, Vicki, my technician, and I share a lot of laughs but today she was not her usual perky self. I asked what was wrong and she proceeded to vent to me about how exhausted she is from caring for her mom who has dementia. Vicki works a full day and her reward is going home and working more caring for her mother. She has no help and her mother has a limited income so there is no way to place her in a care facility.

After listening to her for twenty minutes, she thanked me and mentioned she had nobody else to vent to. I tried reminding her of the importance of taking care of herself first and not to get so wrapped up into her mother’s care that she loses her own identity. I offered to help her in any way possible, even if it was to just go pick up a prescription. Vicki mentioned she is terrible about asking for help which I could relate to so I mentioned that because I have had the same problem all my life and my reward is ending up in TMS.

My oldest brother worked tirelessly taking care of my parents finances. My oldest sister cared constantly for my mom in her final years. My ex-wife was tasked with being the lone member of her family to care for her mom after her father died as her brothers said they were done with her. Caring for an aging parent with dementia is a thankless job. Doing it while working full time is near impossible.

Buddhism teaches that family is not made up from blood relations, but rather by those willing to hold your hand when most needed. Our culture is trained more than raised and that training does not include waiting for others during their times of struggle because we are led to believe happiness comes from acquiring things and experiences. Most chase happiness never to find it because they want, want, want. No amount of belongings, experiences, or money can replace the company of people who empathize with your situation.

If I made the choice to feel sorry for myself and play the part of a victim all because two years ago my wife wanted a divorce, I’d most likely be a miserable SOB. I would have learned nothing from the process of grief, shock, worry, depression, dismay, and anxiety. The only path to healing is to feel the pain of suffering, and by doing so, we realize we have received a gift. That gift is called experience and the self-growth that comes from it is what allows us to give freely to others in a time of similar need.

I think of the people who stunned me with their love and support when I returned to California with my tail between my legs. That only happens when people come from a place of empathy, to understand the pain you are feeling and to be a rock to lean on. Now is my time to pay life forward and serve as a rock for others. If I won’t do that, then I will have failed much larger life lessons.