August Letters to Jim: We’re on Fire!

Welcome to August. Consider yourself fortunate if you have not been torched out, smoked out, or baked out by Mother Nature. As I answer this month’s fan mail, I sit just a couple of miles away from where the Park Fire in Chico began and have yet to smell any smoke since the wind has blown the fire away from me.

Let’s take a look and see what is on the minds of my readers.

Dear JIm,
What do you consider the bigger news story of July: Trump being shot or Biden dropping out of the race? I do not recall the last time two such major stories broke in the same month.
Shocked

Dear Shocked,

Trump being shot gets trumped by Joe dropping out. Let me explain.

Trump got hit in the ear by what increasingly looks like a fragment and not a direct hit by a bullet. There are male employees at my local Lowes with larger holes in their ears because they think it is fashionable. I am also willing to bet that not one ever sported a maxi pad as a bandage either. Furthermore, Trump being shot did not change the fall election, nor should it come as a surprise when you consider the hate he spews is not all that different from what came out of the mouth of George Wallace in 1972.

Yes, Biden was under great pressure, but his dropping out of the race has upended the dynamic of the fall election. Kamala Harris has quickly secured enough support to win her party’s  nomination. She still has a VP to pick and people need to see how she comes off while campaigning. More importantly, if given the chance to debate Trump, does she eat him alive or cave under the pressure. As a former prosecutor, she will not shy away from taking on Trump directly. However, Trump must have the balls to debate her and I am not so sure he does.

Dear Jim,
How was your birthday month? Did you live it up like you did in college? Did you do anything stupid? Were you able to celebrate another trip around the sun?
I Am Wondering

Dear IAW,

All I can say is another month like the one I just had and I may just call it a life. Six painful neck ablations, skin cancer removed from my chest along with a two inch scar with it, and cataract surgery were all sandwiched between a bad reaction to a new drug and newly discovered herniated disc, and making the mistake of buying a 12 pack of a local beer that sucks. And that was just one week.

Then came the Park Fire which shows no signs of being extinguished anytime soon. Add in the 400 consecutive days of temperatures exceeding the surface of the sun and it makes for a challenging month.

On the bright side, I did get to spend my birthday with one of my daughters and my son.

Dear Jim,
I remember you saying you have your personal training certification. What is the fastest way for me to lose weight? I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and my doctor says that if I want to enjoy a long life, I need to drop some weight. I hate the idea of having to give up my favorite foods so, I am depending on you for my future quality of life.
Very Worried

Dear Worried,

I am sure you do not need me to tell you that you have a self-inflicted disease caused by horrible dietary choices and a lack of exercise. However, I am telling you anyway with the hope others read this and change their patterns.

That said, I suggest you ask your doctor to amputate your legs ASAP. Not only will it help you lose a lot of weight fast, it might keep you from turning to food and drink when you are stuck in a wheelchair and can’t get it on your own.

If that sounds harsh, well, just know I am a bit cranky because I have had to take a week off from working out because of my eye surgery.

Dear Jim,
What’s different about this year’s presidential election from some of our previous ones?
Election Guy

Dear Election Guy,

Trump’s opponent. That’s it. The only other difference left that is possible is Trump winning the popular vote, but I give that a snowball’s chance in Chico during the summer of happening.

Dear Jim,
Other than the state of the world, what things get to you?
Need 2 No

Dear Need to Spell,

I have a list of things I am totally done with. These are things I do not want to hear about, read about, or talk about because I am beyond being sick of them for a variety of reasons. In no particular order, here are a few:

1. Lebron James
2. Stevie Nicks
3. Taylor Swift
4. The Kelce brothers
5. Talking heads (Not The Talking Heads)
6. The Olympic Coverage before the games have even started
7. What passes as news
8. The man whose cantaloupe size testicle was hanging out of his shorts at WinCo
9. People older than Joe Biden telling him he is too old to run while they run for public office
10. Caitlan Clark coverage

Dear Jim,
It’s still not too late for you to run for president again. It’s been eight years since you lost to Don and Hillary. What will it take you to throw your hat into this year’s race?  If you did run, what would you promise us? America needs you.
Desperate for Leadership

Dear Desperate,

You can always write in my name when you vote. However, now that Elon Musk, an immigrant, has come out and supported Diaper Don, I’m not sure I can find enough big money donors who will fund my run for office.

As for my promises, I would offer up the following:

1. Do away with the DMV (If a one-time registration and no skills test is good enough for guns, then it is good enough for driving)
2. Groundhog Day will become a national holiday
3. A special tax on skinny jeans
4. Fewer options in the cereal aisle of stores
5. Mandatory military or civil service between the ages of 18 and 22
6. Require men with moobs to wear a two piece bathing suit at the beach
7. Only four TV channels and a ban on TV remotes
8. A ban on what currently passes as country music
9. Deport all mouth breathers (That should eliminate MAGA)
10. Replace the death penalty with making killers listen to the Macarena 24/7

Dear Jim,
Why should Trump take Kamala Harris seriously? She hasn’t accomplished nearly as much as he has and he tore apart Hillary in 2016. In my opinion, he has no reason to fear her.
Dems are Losers

Dear DAL,

Trump has yet to know how to deal with a strong and intelligent woman. He’s already shown he can’t out smart any prosecutor either. Add Harris is two decades younger and will select a running mate who won’t be a national joke and it equals a nightmare matchup for Cry Baby Don.

Dear Jim,
I recently read where the NFL and its Players Association are discussing an 18 game season. You’ve coached football and have covered it in the past. What are your thoughts on this?
NFL Lifer

Dear Lifer,

I guess it’s proof that Commissioner Goodell has no interest in making the game safer. If he did, he never would have pushed for a 17-game season a few years ago. The fans want more of their favorite sport. The players want more money, as do the owners. As soon as an 18 game season is approved, it will be time to find a way to implement a 20-game season.

Dear Jim,
What more can we be doing in California to prevent these raging infernos every year? Are we helpless or are there solutions?
Burned Out

Dear Burned Out,

We can’t prevent Mother Nature or an arsonist from starting fires. However, we can do more than use shovels to put them out.

To begin with, I’d transfer all the remaining funds for Jerry Brown’s Train to Nowhere and earmark them for expanding our fleet of tanker planes. I would require any airline that wants to use any California airport to donate one airplane to retrofit into supertankers to combat fires. I believe all 18- to 22-year-olds need to serve in fire prevention. Put them to use before fires break out by cutting more fire breaks and clearing out dangerous underbrush away from mountain communities. Have them cut and haul out dead timber for the state to sell as firewood or to be made into mulch.

Crossing our fingers every year in hopes we do not face horrific fires does nothing. Using our resources like our youth, our national guard, putting an end to a $100 billion dollar boondoggle, and making airlines that profit off of terrible customer service do their part are all better than what we are currently doing.

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Now, if you do not mind, I have to toss out that horrible beer or use it to put out a fire. Have a safe and healthy August.