California here I come

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So you are thinking about moving to California. I guess it is about that time of year when the rest of the nation actually experiences winter and begins to question why they continue living in a state where snow shoveling is part of the daily routine. However, before moving here, there are a few things you should be aware of which may make you think twice about packing up and heading west.

In California, you are not allowed to bring a concealed gun onto any campus unless you want to risk being assigned after school detention. Worse, you may not use the term Redskin as a nickname so be careful how you address family members when they spend too much time outside without wearing any sun screen.

You are, however, allowed to kill yourself as long as you have a note from two doctors, but if one of the doctors is not on your health plan, insurance will not cover your death.

Gas or a latté ... decisions, decisions ...
Gas or a latté …
decisions, decisions …

You would be wise to come here illegally. People who do so do not have to worry about being called an illegal alien because no one in this state will hurt your self esteem. Coming here illegally is not a hindrance. In fact, you can now practice law if you are here illegally which means you can defend yourself in court for being undocumented while you also prosecute your cousin who you paid to sneak you into our state.

No one thinks twice if you drive six inches away from the guy in front of you, but if you fail to give a bicyclist their designated three feet , you can expect an angry man in bright spandex to swear at you.

Believe it or not, it is against the law for animals to mate in public if they are within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. This is important because if you are thinking about building an arc this winter when El Nino strikes with all of its fury, no one will be allowed to have sex on the vessel.

It is also against the law in California for prison guards to have sex with inmates (now I understand that term). This means if you are coming here to be a prison guard, you will have to settle for sex with your fellow guards or be willing to wait for prisoners to be paroled (this usually takes about 15 minutes).

Men in California are also not allowed to dress as a female unless they obtain a special permit. It is advised you get yours soon with Halloween just around the corner.

Your car matters in California. You are expected to keep it washed weekly despite our drought and you should never be seen with someone sitting in your passenger seat while stuck in traffic on the 405.

Always tip the guys at the car wash that uses ten times more recycled water to wash your car than it takes to do the job yourself with the garden hose. It is very likely these people are recent college graduates with a major in acupuncture technology or meditative studies and for some odd reason are unable to find work in their field.

As a rule, you should spend at least twice the price a gallon of gas costs on your coffee and tip the barista a minimum of 50 percent of your pay check because she only earns $15.00 an hour. You should also hire someone as a life coach so he can finally move out of his parents house and whenever possible, be extra nice to the next door neighbors you will never see.

No one in California cares about your religion or sexual preference nearly as much as who does your hair or whether you are a cat or dog lover (sorry, you can’t be both). The size of your pet is not nearly as important as how many outfits you have to dress it in because no one can afford kids in this great state.

If you are not a narcissist and can go more than five minutes without posting a photo or brain fart on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, you can expect to never earn more than minimum wage. You see, in California, anyone who has a decent job really doesn’t work so much as just show up and kill time.

We have a people problem here.
We have a people problem here.

Sorry, but if you plan to bring your Midwestern fat to our great state, it is not welcome here. If you do, you are advised to make an appointment with one of the 612,219 plastic surgeons in the greater L.A. area for some liposuction, new breasts, puffer fish lips, and major waxing. This goes for guys too!

Do not plan to use any public transportation when you get here; the train has not been built yet. However, scooters, skateboards, and roller blades are required when you enter one of our many malls or nice hotels.

Finally, no one in California cares about how much you know unless you intend to make a killing on “Jeopardy.” In California, it’s all about who you know. Name-dropping is just a way of life. So is having an agent (the best double as your life coach). This way, should someone want to get together with you, you just have to say, “Have your people contact my people and set something up.” Nothing will ever come of it, but you will come off as if you are someone important, which in California is really all that matters.

 (Photos by Tim Forkes)