Dear Jim: Life-ending selfies are always good for a laugh

Dear Jim,

Now that May is upon us, and we are less than a year and a half from the election, what is your crystal ball seeing down the road and how will it play out? 

Thanks, A Big Admirer

Dear Big,

It doesn’t look pretty. First, keep in mind the law of physics that says that any time one political party elects an extreme right wing candidate to the White House, the other party chooses to run an equally extreme left wing candidate from their party to keep righty from being re-elected. That said, pick whomever you think is the most far left candidate running for the Democratic nomination and that is who will scare the shit out of enough voters to get Trump another four-year term.

Second, the economic indicators are showing there will not be a recession which means when fence sitters finally decide who to vote for, they will buy the crap Trump sells them about how better off they are now that he is calling the shots (I ain’t buying it mainly because I can’t afford to under his economy).

Finally, expect Russia and North Korea to continue screwing with our election process. Putin and Kim have nothing else to do in their free time since neither one golfs much. Messing up our election process is just fun and games for leaders like them and we should not be surprised when Trump pulls out a close victory (only because Russia manages to get California voters to vote for Trump).

Dear Jim,

What do you make of the measles outbreaks? Do you think it is wise to get a vaccine? Should we be concerned?

Thanks, Your Top Fan

Dear YTF,

I hesitate giving anyone medical advice primarily because I am not a doctor. However, since I am the son of one, I feel more than qualified to dispense medical advice as well as any pharmaceuticals you might need.

It is hard to fathom measles becoming something to fear. Then again, I thought it was hard to fathom a racist orange faced clown becoming president.

Before you decide to get a vaccine, ask yourself, “Did I catch Ebola?” Then ask yourself, “Did I catch bird flue, swine flue, the plague, polio, typhus, MRSA, or even mono?”

I long for the days when we worried about things like catching a venereal disease from sitting on a public toilet seat. It won’t be long before we are all wearing full body latex condoms for clothing (make mine sheer but not ribbed or lubed), taking HAZMAT showers, and walking around with gas masks on because we have become too afraid to get sick.

You see, when you get sick, your immune system either kicks in and gets stronger which is good for you, or crumbles under the weight of our horrific lifestyle choices and we die.

Then again, I get a flu shot every year so maybe it’s not a bad idea to get a measles vaccine.

Dear Jim,

Can you believe Avengers: End Game raked in $1.2 billion on its opening weekend? How is it even possible for a film to do that much business in such a short time?

Thanks, A Fan of Yours and Super Hero Films

Dear FoYaSHF,

Let me start by saying you can’t be both a fan of mine and of super hero films because I am not a fan of these endless comic book based films. Grown men taking their kids to see fantasy based films loaded with violence is a joke. Why can’t dads take their kids to films like Kelly’s Heroes, or Ice Station Zebra, where real men kill the Germans or the Russians and make the world safe for everybody?

Not only can I not believe Avengers pulled in such a haul, I want to know how so many over worked and under paid Americans can find the time to fork over the money theaters charge to watch their crap. Add in the extra large bucket of popcorn, extra large sodas, nachos, ice cream, and candy you feel the need to consume over the course of two hours, and I end up unable to believe there are not more theater goers dropping dead during the showing of films.

Dear Jim,

I am a young fan of yours and need to ask you for some advice. If you were just finishing up your college education, what line of work would you be looking to go into? It seems the world keeps changing at warp speed so any career a person selects is likely to become outdated. What do you suggest I do?

Thanks, A Young Fan Who Can’t Decide

Dear AYFWCD,

A few things to keep in mind. First, college is expensive, so unless you earn scholarships or have rich parents who can either pay for your schooling or pay someone to fake your way into a great college, you are likely to graduate owing a ton of money. This puts you behind the eight ball of life and ensures you of decades of misery.

Next, there are plenty of good paying jobs in the trades industry that go unfilled every year. You might consider welding as a career. However, working in the trades can be physically exhausting and over the course of a career can mean having a body that hurts from the more physically demanding work it can entail.

My suggestion is to skip all the advice you are given in school and by parents and just become a professional influencer. I have no idea what these people do to make money, but clearly they all have their shit together because they have found a way to influence all of us while not having to do much more than snap a few photos of themselves doing something that will, well, influence us.

The possibilities are endless as to how a person can influence others. Just give it five or ten minutes of thought and get going on a lifetime of fun and easy work that when you retire will allow you to look back and say, “Boy, oh boy, did I make a difference on the lives of others.”

Dear Jim,

What was the funniest thing you noticed last month in the news? It seems we get so caught up in the negative crap out there that we forget to laugh at things.

Thanks, A Fan With a Great Sense of Humor

Dear AFWaGSoH

Off the top of my head, I would say it was something I saw on the top of Trump’s head. He was somewhere doing his usual Trump Stumping after the Mueller Report came out, but instead of his red MAGA cap, he wore one with the letters USA. I immediately thought it was out of place and should have read USSR.

Otherwise, my idea of humorous news items usually involves tourists who die taking selfies. Those signs posted in our national parks really are not rules to follow. They’re merely suggestions. Go ahead, keep going out to the edge of cliffs to get that photo you have been dying to take.

Until next month, thank you for the mail and keep the letters coming.