December Letters to Jim: Ho-Oh-No!

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If you are reading this, the good news is you have made it to December. The bad news is you have the holidays to negotiate before ushering in a new year. Cheer up and take a look at what my fans have on their minds and see what I have to say in response. Or go steal the packages off your neighbors’ porches and give them as gifts to your loved ones.

Dear Jim,
Recently, the University of Florida rescinded a scholarship offer to a young white high school quarterback after he posted a video of himself rapping along to a song in which he uses the N word. Was this the right decision or has the university caved to pressure?
Deeply Confused

Dear DC,

This is why I am opposed to words being “owned” by some and outlawed for others. Rap music is popular with young people of all backgrounds. It is often filled with the use of the N word while performed by black artists who make money off of whites, as well as others, who purchase the music or attend concerts. Anyone who raps along with a rap song with the N word in it is probably no different than when kids sang along to rock songs in the 70’s and 80’s that glorified misogyny.

My bigger concern is knowing the University of Florida would never have rescinded their scholarship offer had the kid in question (I won’t name him because he’s already been unfairly punished) been Black. This is where the double standard exists, which is why I think it was a bad decision on the university’s part. I have said it before and I will say it again, in the case of the N word, if Blacks do not want whites using it under any circumstance, they would be wise to retire the word as well.

Finally, you can also bet the University of Florida does not rescind their offer if their head football coach said he did not need him to win.

U of Florida logo
One of the university’s quarterbacks was just busted for possessing child pornography. He’s been suspended. Illustration by Tim Forkes

Dear Jim,
Elon Musk has given back Donald Trump his old Twitter account for use despite people protesting the decision and going so far as to drop their own Twitter accounts. Will Musk regret this decision, or does he simply not care about the hate and misinformation Trump spreads?
Thinking of Dropping Twitter

Dear Thinking,

No, Musk does not care what the American public thinks of Trump and the hate and lies he spreads. More than anything, Musk cares about profits and he is gambling that Trump will return and when he does, he will bring his legion of followers along. Musk purchased Twitter because he believes he was buying it low and will turn around the company and make it far more profitable before he sells it. It’s just the sort of thing Billionaires do when they are not flying to space.

As for those who drop their accounts, it’s no big deal to Musk and it is no big deal to the people who leave Twitter. There are plenty of other social media options. If you are easily offended or simply want to surround yourself with like-minded thinkers, you can find other avenues. If, however, you rely on Twitter for your news, well, all I can say is you are poorly informed about what is really going on in the world.

Dear Jim,
What are your thoughts on the World Cup being held in Qatar? Is this a move in a positive direction for soccer or has the World Cup been bought by an oil rich nation with a horrible human rights record?

Soccer Fan

Dear SF,

There is no doubt in my mind that Qatar purchased the World Cup and most likely did so by lining the pockets of all the FIFA leaders necessary to land such a prestigious sporting event. It’s all part of a process designed to normalize the thinking in the western world to see rich Arab nations as a destination spot for vacations and investments.  However, in the case of Qatar, they have shown a lack of open mindedness toward the LGBTQ community. They managed to get FIFA officials to block a movement by seven European soccer teams to sport One Love armbands in place of the traditional captain’s armband.

Then, just two days before the start of the tournament, they banned beer sales in the stadiums hosting matches which instantly did not sit well with fans who traveled across the globe to cheer on their national teams.

I believe, by tournament’s end, this tournament will be remembered more for the protests by players who look to draw attention to the lack of human rights in Qatar than for how far Qatar has evolved.

Having said all of this, perhaps the best way to protest is for these players to have told their national federations they will skip this, and any future World Cups held in nations with such a horrible record on human rights. Maybe then FIFA will do the math and see it is not in their financial interest to support bids from nations like Qatar.

Dear Jim,
I am a huge fan of our space program and was wondering what, if any, thoughts you have on the current NASA Artemis 1 space mission. I hope I am alive to see the day we land on Mars with a team of astronauts.

Dear Nut,

While I fully understand man’s curiosity about space and what may be out there, I am not a big fan of seeing the amount of investment going into a Mars mission. Establishing a lunar outpost for stay overs for trips to and from Mars at a time our planet is under attack by man seems ridiculous. I believe we would be better served mastering how to live in harmony with the planet we have been graced with before we start dreaming up ways to exploit another.

All Hail King Donald —

Dear Jim,
If the GOP rejects Donald Trump, what are the odds he still runs for President in 2024 as a third-party candidate? Wouldn’t this just ensure Republicans failing to reclaim the White House? How would you handle Trump if you were a big player for the GOP?
Anxious About 2024

Dear Anxious,

It seems on paper if Trump runs as a third-party candidate that he would prevent Republicans from electing the next POTUS. You could assume if Trump won any state and its electoral votes, they would have voted for whoever the GOP candidate was. However, if Trump is assuming all of the voters who previously voted for him will do so again, he is delusional (most likely he is either way).

Trump knows he cannot win as a third-party choice so his motives for running will either be to ensure the defeat of a specific candidate (Like Ross Perot not wanting to see George H W Bush win a second term) or because he thinks it buys him time from the feds while he brings in money for paying the mountains of defense lawyers he needs.

Dear Jim,
How do you handle holiday invites to parties hosted by people you don’t want to socialize with? Is there a nice way to decline an invitation or should I suck it up and attend these events?

Dear Flustered,

This is not a problem I can relate to as I am never invited to these sorts of events. You see, I find being an A-hole all year keeps me from being in your situation.

Good luck!

Dear Jim,
Is it a career killer to not attend the annual office Christmas party? I don’t like my job and I don’t like the people I work with, especially my idiot boss.
What should I do?


Dear Desperate,

COVID is still a good way to get out of attending. Just saying you have symptoms will get you out but be prepared for others saying you faked it. Another way is to just submit your resignation the day before the party. Of course, if you do this, don’t count on a letter of recommendation for future job openings. If you are married, tell your boss your spouse has already committed you to his office party at the same time. Of course, you will never see your Christmas bonus.

Again, this is where being an ass to everyone works in your favor. No one invites the office ass to the annual party unless they are also the office slut. Good luck!

Illustration by Tim Forkes

Dear Jim,
My wife is mad at me because I brought home too large of a tree. She insisted I was selecting one too tall and I assured her it would fit without a problem. When it would not fit, she began yelling at me she knew it was too big and insisted I apologize for saying she was wrong. Instead, I cut off the lower two feet and laughed at her when it fit. Now she won’t speak to me. Should I cave in or hold firm?
Up A Tree

Dear Up,

You should be so lucky to be stuck up a tree. Your wife deserves more than an apology. I am afraid you will be paying big time for this one so be prepared. While technically, it is easier to make a tree shorter than taller, it’s also cheaper to buy one the correct size. Where you went wrong, and I am guessing it is not your first time making this error, was failing to accurately judge the size of something. Us men have a bad habit of making women think we know more about the length of things. It’s literally part of our DNA. This is why it makes sense for a guy to think their ceiling is ten feet tall when in reality it’s only eight.

Dear Jim,
I hope you can help me. My five-year-old son is refusing to go to sleep with the light off in his room because of the Elf on the Shelf I placed for the holidays. He says it scares him to turn off the lights because he thinks the Elf will do something to him. Nothing I say has worked. Have you any suggestions so we can turn off the lights at night?
Crazed Mom

Dear Crazed,

This seems to be a common problem for little ones this time of year. However, have no fear, Uncle Jim has a solution. Give your son a choice. Let him choose between sleeping with the lights off with an Elf on his shelf or sleeping with a creepy clown on his shelf. He’ll warm up to your elf in no time.

And with that, another year of fan mail has concluded. I must say, this year’s mail was almost average. Mediocrity is a good thing when it comes to writing to me. It allows me to think just enough to come up with answers that do not require me to think much at all to sound smart and humble at the same time. Here is to hoping next year remains mediocre and that this December you enjoy your time with family and loved ones as much as is legal.