Love in a Bipolar World
Unlike so-called “Reality TV”, the story I am telling you is real. This is a story of my screwed up life and how I deal with my bipolar episodes and dysfunctional relationships. I know almost everyone has a dysfunctional relationship, some more than others. You don’t truly love someone unless you have looked at them with desire and at other times wanted to punch them in the throat.
A reader commented about my poor grammar skills. Look, I’m not a professional author and I am not trying to write like one either. I am just me. I will break all the grammatical rules for the sake of keeping my emotions raw. I am obligated to myself and you (the reader) to be honest and real.
Even if I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit some things, I cannot soften the story or pretend. I feel and express my emotions, and I put those feelings out there. If someone stomps on them, I am strong enough to pick up the pieces and move on without being jaded or bitter towards others.
This was the end of my last post from December 20, 2013 “Love in a bipolar world – greetings from Vidor, TX, aka KKK”
One afternoon I make another feeble attempt in calling her, this time someone answers my call…
IT’S HER! My heart gets wedged in my throat. For the last two weeks all I thought about was what I would say to her the next time we talked — if we ever talked to each other again. Now she has answered my call after the 396th attempt.
We talk for over three hours; she yells, she cries, I hear the hurt and anger in her voice. Most of all I feel her disappointment. After everything we had been through, I had committed the biggest betrayal. I am the biggest piece of shit. I put her through hell because that’s what I am good at doing.
No amount of apologizing will make it right. The only thing this woman ever did was love me and got it tossed back in her face. I didn’t want to hurt her, but because of my own selfish and insecure reasons, I did. Everywhere I’ve been in life, if I turned around, there was a line of carnage I created, along with the agony from the people who loved me most, the abandonment of my family and dishonesty to the ones who were loyal to me … I wish I could start over and be somebody else.
Later that night in Downtown Dallas, after my English writing class, the debate in my head is, “Should I or should I not contact her again so soon?”
Text messages from, Feb 6th, 2013 7:10pm CST
Danny: I just got outta class, will you meet me for a drink on McKinney or Mockingbird station? LEARNING some cool things in class.
Her: OK. For a very short visit. Have a lot to do. Have to clean up first. Mockingbird
Danny: OK, I’m headed that way on the train from downtown. I will text when I get there.
Danny: Going to mockingbird station
Danny: I’m here. Peoples Last Stand?
Her: K J
My mind is going in all directions, what do I say to her, how do I act? All I really kept saying to myself was, “For God sake man, don’t say anything stupid … think before you say something!”
I yell at myself in my head sometimes. I get a table and wait for her in a chair of thorns. Time goes by, we were supposed to meet at 8, it’s 8:20. OK, I know when she is getting ready and says she is ready to go, it could still be another 15-20 minutes before we actually leave.
Going outside for a smoke a hot blonde wearing a red plaid shirt is walking in: IT’S HER!! We talk formally in the first few minutes and she gives half smiles, with no eye contact. Subtly and cautiously the conversation becomes more personal. The turning point was when I made her laugh. In that moment I felt her heart smile at me for the first time in the conversation, my reality just got checked!
I have no idea how this night is going to end…
“Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” – Nelson Mandela
Danny Keaton is a national touring comedian who lives in Los Angeles. He is also a writer, lover and a bastard with Bipolar disorder. Danny is your average person with a mental illness seeking redemption and a non-religious spiritual salvation through love and self-acceptance. Many times he is not aware when highs and lows kick in; to him it is part of his distorted reality. Check out Danny’s website at www.DannyKeatonComedy.com or follow him on www.Twitter.com/DannyKeaton