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Love in a Bipolar World

Unlike so-called “Reality TV”, the story I am telling you is real.  This is a story of my screwed up life and how I deal with my bipolar episodes and dysfunctional relationships.  I know almost everyone has a dysfunctional relationship, some more than others.   You don’t truly love someone unless you have looked at them with desire and at other times wanted to punch them in the throat.

A reader commented about my poor grammar skills.  Look, I’m not a professional author and I am not trying to write like one either. I am just me. I will break all the grammatical rules for the sake of keeping my emotions raw. I am obligated to myself and you (the reader) to be honest and real.

Even if I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit some things, I cannot soften the story or pretend. I feel and express my emotions, and I put those feelings out there.  If someone stomps on them, I am strong enough to pick up the pieces and move on without being jaded or bitter towards others.

What if ... (Photo by author)
What if …
(Photo by author)


This was the end of my last post from December 20, 2013 “Love in a bipolar world – greetings from Vidor, TX, aka KKK”

One afternoon I make another feeble attempt in calling her, this time someone answers my call…

IT’S HER! My heart gets wedged in my throat. For the last two weeks all I thought about was what I would say to her the next time we talked — if we ever talked to each other again. Now she has answered my call after the 396th attempt.

We talk for over three hours; she yells, she cries, I hear the hurt and anger in her voice. Most of all I feel her disappointment. After everything we had been through, I had committed the biggest betrayal. I am the biggest piece of shit. I put her through hell because that’s what I am good at doing.

No amount of apologizing will make it right. The only thing this woman ever did was love me and got it tossed back in her face. I didn’t want to hurt her, but because of my own selfish and insecure reasons, I did. Everywhere I’ve been in life, if I turned around, there was a line of carnage I created, along with the agony from the people who loved me most, the abandonment of my family and dishonesty to the ones who were loyal to me … I wish I could start over and be somebody else.

Later that night in Downtown Dallas, after my English writing class, the debate in my head is, “Should I or should I not contact her again so soon?”

Text messages from, Feb 6th, 2013 7:10pm CST

Danny:  I just got outta class, will you meet me for a drink on McKinney or Mockingbird station?  LEARNING some cool things in class.
Her: OK. For a very short visit. Have a lot to do. Have to clean up first.  Mockingbird
Danny:  OK, I’m headed that way on the train from downtown. I will text when I get there.
Danny:  Going to mockingbird station
Her:  K
Danny: I’m here. Peoples Last Stand?
Her: K J

My mind is going in all directions, what do I say to her, how do I act?  All I really kept saying to myself was, “For God sake man, don’t say anything stupid … think before you say something!”

I yell at myself in my head sometimes. I get a table and wait for her in a chair of thorns. Time goes by, we were supposed to meet at 8, it’s 8:20.  OK, I know when she is getting ready and says she is ready to go, it could still be another 15-20 minutes before we actually leave.

Golden, Colorado (Photo by author)
Golden, Colorado
(Photo by author)

Going outside for a smoke a hot blonde wearing a red plaid shirt is walking in: IT’S HER!! We talk formally in the first few minutes and she gives half smiles, with no eye contact. Subtly and cautiously the conversation becomes more personal. The turning point was when I made her laugh.  In that moment I felt her heart smile at me for the first time in the conversation, my reality just got checked!

I have no idea how this night is going to end…


“Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” – Nelson Mandela

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