Election fantasy: Donald Costanza for president
Many experts have tried to figure out just who are Donald Trump and George Costanza. One is running for president, the other was a fictional character running form all responsibility. But imagine if the two were one and that person were running for president. Here is what an interview by Megyn Kelly with Donald Costanza might look like; the physical Trump answering as the inept Costanza.
MK: You talk about the economy and turning it around. However, what will you do for all the people who own mom and pop stores? How will you improve their lot in life?
DC: What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store, I wouldn’t shop there.
MK: What if you ran your own business rather than hired experts to run yours? How would that go?
DC: If I owned a company, my employees would love me. They’d have huge pictures of me on the walls and in their homes, like Lenin.
MK: What was the deciding factor that caused you to select Mike Pence as your running mate?
DC: Maybe the two of us, working at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man.
MK: What’s the worst thing Hillary Clinton has lied about during this campaign?
DC: She just took credit for my salad.
MK: Clinton, and others, claim you avoid paying taxes. Does this make you a hypocrite?
DC: Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?
MK: But isn’t that being dishonest?
DC: It’s not a lie if you believe it.
MK: I am interviewing you in the lobby of Trump Plaza. What is it you like most about this building?
DC: I love the mirror in that bathroom (points to the men’s room near the elevator). I don’t know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don’t know if it is the tile or the lighting. I feel like Robert Wagner in there.
MK: You are not a big fan of the LGBT cause. Why is that?
DC: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think “That’s why I am not a heterosexual.”
MK: That seems a bit pathetic.
DC: Like I don’t know that I am pathetic.
MK: Do you have any gay tendencies? After all, experts claim we all do.
DC: I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.
MK: Why do you rely on Twitter so much? Why not say things to people’s faces?
DC: I am much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs.
MK: Why are you running for president?
DC: I just can’t believe the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of world do we live in?
MK: No offense, but that has to be the lamest answer I have ever heard to that question.
DC: Don’t insult me, my friend. Remember who you are talking to. No one is a bigger idiot than me.
MK: What will the first Donald Costanza state dinner be like? Won’t it be a bit chaotic?
DC: I got news for you — I show up with ring dings and Pepsi and I become the biggest hit of the party.
MK: You claim to be an advocate for veterans, especially those who fought and came home with serious wounds and trauma. Others claim you just use them to your advantage. How do you really feel about the men and women who return home, often facing a life without limbs as a result of their injuries?
DC: A man without a hand is not a man.
MK: You are on your third marriage. Do you ever think about the impression that has on your own children let alone the American voter, some of whom are not thrilled by your multiple marriages?
DC: Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I’m the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know.
MK: You have made some remarks in the past that have shown you to be incredibly insensitive toward women. Is there anything you would like to say in response to those remarks?
DC: I cannot envision any circumstance in which I’ll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How’s it gonna’ happen? I just don’t see how it could occur.
MK: One last question. Running for president not only takes a lot of time, it also places a person in the bulls eye of the American media and comes with great personal sacrifice. What have been your greatest sacrifices during your run for the White House?
DC: I just threw away a lifetime of guilt free sex and floor seats for every sporting event at Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect.
MK: No question, just tell us why we should vote for you over Hillary Clinton.
DC: You know if you take everything I’ve ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent.
MK: Mr. Costanza, thank you so much for your time.
DC: I never had a normal … medium orgasm.
MK: This interview is over, but the mic is on and the tape is still running. And I must say, as a woman, I do not appreciate what you just said.
DC: I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel.
Jim is a life long resident of California and retired school teacher with 30 years in public education. Jim earned his BA in History from CSU Chico in 1981 and his MA in Education from Azusa Pacific University in 1994. He is also the author of Teaching The Teacher: Lessons Learned From Teaching. Jim considers himself an equal opportunity pain in the ass to any political party, group, or individual who looks to profit off of hypocrisy. When he is not pointing out the conflicting words and actions of our leaders, the NFL commissioner, or humans in general, he can be found riding his bike for hours on end while pondering his next article. Jim recently moved to Camarillo, CA after being convinced to join the witness protection program.