Election Fantasy 2: Hillary Benes for president

She has no heart or conscience. She can be mean, nasty, and spiteful. This has been said of both Hillary Clinton and Elaine Benes. However, Hillary is real and Elaine was just another classic Seinfeld character. But what if the two were one and ran in this year’s election? Time for another interview with Megyn Kelly.

MK: Your opponent, Mr. Trump, has said he will make America great again. What do you think of the America he will create if he is elected?

HB: It’s going to be awful.

MK: The campaign has been incredibly nasty at times between the two of you. However, you have socialized in the past so you must like the man.

HB: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone. Why would I like him?

MK: What exactly did you say when major corporations offered to pay you six figure salaries to give speeches?

HB: I’ll go if I don’t have to talk.

MK: But when you had to give them a speech for six figures, what went through your mind?

HB: This is gonna be the easiest money I ever made in my life.

MK: Do you expect the live audience and the American people to accept that answer?

HB: These disgusting animals. These people should be in a cage.

MK: Benghazi. Private emails that were classified. Your foundation. Rigging the primaries so Bernie would lose. Riding on the coattails of your husband. How do you address these accusations in a way that makes the voter believe in you?

HB: I’m speechless. I’m without speech.

MK: That answer is not going to satisfy the voter. You need to provide them with more details that convince them these stories are not true. Again, how would you describe each of these?

HB: Fake! Fake! Fake! Fake!

MK: Looking at race for a minute. What were your thoughts when you saw the rioting in places like Ferguson?

HB: Well, they have to give up sometime, they can’t stay out there all night.

MK: I’d like to turn the focus to your husband and his time in the White House. You claim to be for the rights of women who have been sexually harassed by men while at work and yet you have never said anything kind about Monica Lewinsky. Why is that?

HB: This is all in her mind. She is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah … She’s a whacko.

MK: Why do you suppose your husband turned to Monica, and presumably other women as well over the course of your marriage, to satisfy his sexual needs? Is there something about you that drove him to it?

HB: I’m not a lesbian. I hate men, but I am not a lesbian.

MK: So you are saying it had nothing to do with your sex life and yet your husband was not satisfied. How about you? Were there times you were disappointed in Bill?

HB: I’ve yada yadad’d sex.

MK: Did you ever have to go to the Secret Service and ask them about Bill’s whereabouts and if so, what was that conversation like?

HB: Have you seen a tall, lanky doofus with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?

MK: It’s obvious you have a lock on the female vote. However, are you afraid of driving a wedge between men and women in this country? Shouldn’t we be treated as one and the same or are there differences between the genders?

HB: The female body is a work of art. The male body is more utilitarian, it’s for getting around, it’s like a jeep.

MK: You are pro choice and support a woman’s right to an abortion. What would you suggest a woman say to her man who opposes abortion if she got one, but was too afraid to admit it to him because of his temper?

HB: Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

MK: Have you thought about what your reaction will be if you are elected and move back into the White House? Last time, it was as the First Lady, but this time it will be as the most powerful person in the world. What do you think you will say when you step inside?

HB: I’m queen of the castle.

MK: Polls show the American people think very little of you and your opponent. Whoever wins in November will be the most reviled president-elect ever. How does that make you feel?

HB: You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction.

MK: Will there ever come a day in which you fully come clean on your past, your dealings, your decisions, and your cover ups?

HB: Oh, please – it’s in the vault.

MK: Before we go, I’d like to give you one last opportunity to address the entire nation with some final thoughts on why they should vote for you next month.

HB: Here’s to those who wish us well, and those who don’t can go to hell.