February letters: The Super Bowl, impeachment and the Coronavirus

Dear Jim,

I know you are a lifelong fan of the San Francisco 49ers so I am interested in your thoughts on Sunday’s Super Bowl. What did you think of the game? How about the media coverage? Any favorite commercials? Thanks.

A Fellow 49er Fan

Dear Niner Fan,

Let me work backwards while answering these questions. When it comes to Super Bowl commercials, all I care about is if they are long enough to allow me to make a trip to the bathroom. In 54 years, I can not think of a single product I purchased because of a Super Bowl commercial. In fact, I have never heard of anyone who has. If I did, I’d make certain to never take anything they say seriously.

Having said this, can anyone explain to me why Super Bowl commercials can now be seen before the game has been played? What’s the point of paying $17 million dollars for an eight second spot (although the NFL is willing to negotiate the price down if you say something nice about the refs, the commissioner, or any team that did not make the playoffs).

Then comes the post-Super Bowl commercial analysis and the rankings of all commercials. It’s just a matter of time before the top commercials move onto March Madness and compete with what the NCAA throws at them. From there, the top commercials will make their way to a special Jeopardy themed show where the winner ascends to the Commercial Hall of Fame.

As for the media, I suppose I should go easy and say nice things about them, but that is not me. Actually, I try to turn on the game at the exact time kickoff is posted. I don’t care about any of the other stuff, most of which is designed to just sell programing on whatever network is covering the game. I don’t care what others think or have to say in the 17 hours leading up to the kickoff. In fact, depending on who is calling the game, I might not watch it (are you listening to me Chris Collingsworth?).

You did not mention Super Bowl watching parties, but since I am on a roll, I figured I’d comment on those too. Make a decision; either watch the damn game or go party, but for the love of Pete Rozell, don’t do both. Watching a ballgame in a room filled with intoxicated people is just a reminder that the price of tickets have skyrocketed to the point I can’t afford to go to the actual game and deal with drunk obnoxious fans (I admit to having been one on more than one occasion but that ended 40 years ago and the police had nothing to do with it).

Now, as to the actual game. All I can say is maybe next year for my Niners.

Dear Jim,

Now that witnesses will not be called as part of the impeachment trial, how do you feel about the entire process and the way in unfolded?  

Fed Up With The Process

Dear Fed Up,

Let me start by saying this entire process played out pretty much as expected. The only suspense was going to be whether enough Republicans would flip on Donny and call for witness testimony, but even that was a long shot at best.

This process showed us exactly how tight our politicians are along party lines and how little they care about justice. I doubt seriously whether anyone changed their mind about Trump, the GOP or Democrats. This allowed Nancy Pelosi to drag a person she cannot stand for very good reasons through the impeachment process. Trump will forever live in history as the third president to be impeached and this is a stain he will never be rid of.

However, when push comes to shove, the GOP held the best hand. Not only did they hold a majority in the senate, allowing them to dictate the trial, they also had the Chief Justice, a fellow conservative, overseeing matters.

What I am most curious to find out now is if Trump is reelected in November, will Pelosi and the Democrats bring new impeachment charges forward, especially if they win back the senate?

Dear Jim, 

Four years ago, you ran for president. As I recall, among your campaign promises involved turning Groundhog Day into a national holiday. Looking back, do you think this promise cost you the election? Thanks.

A Guy Who Voted For You

Dear Guy Who Voted For Me,

While I can understand why much of the nation might not have been ready for another national holiday, I do not believe this was the downfall for my campaign. It takes money to get elected and it is well documented I raised a measly ten bucks for my campaign. It takes a large team of experts to run a national campaign like I wanted to run and ten dollars just wasn’t enough. Perhaps if I had raised $100.00 I might have stood a better chance.

If I were to run for president again, something I may consider doing in 2024, I would still include my Groundhog Day promise. I would also place a ban on tanning booths and tanning salons so we do not have to see orange colored Trumpsters parading around in public.

The banana would become our national fruit, dog owners would receive a tax rebate, I’ll make Mexico tear down our wall and clean up the debris (unless of course it falls over first), and I will remove Trump’s $50,000.00 golfing simulator and replace it with an electric football set. Everything else is negotiable.

Dear Jim,

Are you concerned about the new coronavirus that seems to be sweeping across the planet? Has the Chinese government failed to try and contain it? Is our government overreacting by placing a travel ban to China? 

I am sure the main concern our president has with the coronavirus is whether there is a way for him to politically profit off it. It’s just a hunch, but I see him turning urban areas into makeshift quarantine centers and placing a voting ban on anyone who cannot pay the high fee to prove they are not carrying the virus when they go to the polls in November.

He might then go after Mexico and blame them since he will link this virus to the Corona beer we love to drink here. This should increase support for the wall he wants to build so the world can laugh at us more when it blows over from high winds (Or Trump outbursts). “No Corona Beer until you have a Corona Shot” will be his campaign theme (That or Reelect me so I can keep Pence away from your kids).

In the end, Trump’s daughter will design an entire line of fashionable coronavirus masks to ward off the illness that will be made in Wuhan sweatshops and sold here as a way to identify Trump supporters (I guess those hooded white robes worn now are a bit cumbersome).

By now, you have figured out the only virus that concerns me is the MAGAvirus. While it’s numbers have not grown since it first arrived here in 2015, it has proven itself resilient to western medicine, has spread beyond our borders, and turns its victims an ugly shade of orange while they become blubbering idiots.

I also find it more than a coincidence that this year Trump is up for reelection and the Chinese have dedicated this as the Year of the Rat.