Hungering for Your Touch
Since I can remember, I’ve walked on eggshells around Dad. I have a very high level of anxiety and a desire to avoid conflict and negative reactions from him. I didn’t grasp at my age, what demons he had battled in his life. I try everything to avoid any contact with him unless it is absolutely necessary. In general, we leave either before he gets up or after he leaves, to pursue whatever his latest endeavor is.
My days are long with after school soccer, drumming class, concerts and homework. I had learned years ago that Mom loves to share my days, but getting him to exchange conversation in any form is impossible. He rattles in the door, throws ice in a glass and makes his vodka drinks, to carry him through the night. Most times he was already lit from a stop at one of his “gin mills” along the way. The prospects of being away from this routine are inviting and cherished. I will miss Mom and Merrie has her own things going at college.
My stint at the shoe factory sweat shop has thankfully ended. My ear is healing well, with just a little ringing now and then. The summer play at school was a great success, Where’s Charley, a classic. We received a lot of laughs from the audience, especially during the last night when the cast was loose and the stress was over.
There were some really cute chicks at the cast party. Maybe when I get back, I’ll ask one out. My packing was done days ahead for the wonderful break of 15days or so, at the highly touted Camp Townsend Music School. I’ve worked all year to help pay for this, looking forward to going for months. Other than a lot of summer clothes, shoes and toiletries, the music related equipment is supplied at the camp. They promised two or three full traps, cymbals and kits. I just need to bring my custom sticks. They also will have guitars and everything needed for a full troupe of musicians.
At the crack of dawn, I was dropped off at Middletown High in the bus loading zone, where buses were waiting for our music camp departees. It was still a hot morning, as I walked with my duffel bag in hand. When I thought of waving goodbye to Mom, she had already driven off, turning out of the parking lot onto the main road and was gone. My mind wandered as I glanced toward the school, soaking in the prospect of one of the few times away from home. The sun was pinkening up in the sky, and tendrils of orange began to light up the day.
After throwing my bag into the hold of the nearest bus to me, I followed my friend Roscoe aboard. Anticipation was high, and everyone seemed to be in a giddy mood.Roscoe chose to sit next to his crush Kelly. I headed towards the back of the bus, hoping to have a seat to myself and catch some zzz’s along our route.
The trip to Parksville usually takes a little longer than an hour. This trip however, includes pick-ups of participants at Washington Heights, Bloomingberg, Wurtsboro, Monticello and Liberty. I dozed off for the first three stops. When we made the Monticello turn off, I wanted to take a peek at the Monticello Horse Raceway. Dad and I had enjoyed watching the horses run a few times there. When we arrived at their high school, I saw about eight participants waiting for the pick-up.
The bus was nearly half full by now. I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to any of the newcomers when, for whatever reason, I suddenly looked up and caught a glimpse of radiant amber eyes. The color and depth of these gems was something I had never seen before. I was trying not to be rude, but couldn’t pull my gaze away. My stomach filled with a flutter of butterflies, a sensation I had never experienced. I could not pull back my fixed gaze on her. I know I was blushing. As she looked back, an accepting smile grew on her lips. My shoulders tightened and my breathing became shallow. I told myself, “Stay calm, act natural, get a hold of yourself ?”
It was one of those moments when you see someone and have that “Deja Vu” moment. I There was a feeling that I have known this person all of my life. As she approached me, sweet sounds came from her mouth: “Hi, is this seat taken?”
It was the seat directly across the aisle from mine. I could hardly choke out an answer. Gathering my thoughts, the first words “squeaked’ out of my mouth like a prepubescent boy.
“I … don’t think so. Help yourself.”
How much more embarrassing could that have been? I tried to look away, but doing that was becoming torturous to me. As she sat down, under her shining auburn hair, which was cascading in soft curls about her shoulders, I could see a familiar emblem. It was a cool tee shirt commemorating Simon and Garfunkel’s Sounds of Silence album. They are one of my most favorite groups. Amazing scores, lyrics and meaningful themes.
Uncle Murray had promoted them recently on the air and was planning to have them on one of his variety shows. For what seemed like minutes but likely was a few seconds, I looked ahead trying to avoid looking at her. Not only was I smitten by her visuals, but she smelled of vanilla and spice, if that’s possible. I was intoxicated. Every nerve fiber in my body was firing.
“Hi, my name is Sarah, what’s yours?” she asked. Oh my god, is this angel talking to me? Turning to her and those eyes sparkling like crystals, I was so nervous, thinking she is way out of my league. This is scary. She has to be confused by how long it took me to answer.
“Ahhh … Sam Jensen, it’s nice to meet you. ”Could I be any more awkward? “Take a breath and chill out man”, I pleaded with myself.
“What instruments do you play?” sweet words from her lips.
“I’m a drummer, some guitar and vocals, how about you?” I asked. My patter was beginning to smooth out. I finally was able to breathe.
“I play guitar and piano, but my passion is singing.”
My initial rush and flush was thankfully waning. I felt my blood pressure lowering.
“That’s a great tee shirt. I love all of their music, that album especially. We cover a lot of their songs in our folk group”.
We didn’t stop talking for the whole rest of the trip. I wished it had taken longer. When the bus reached camp, I felt a bit sad. We all departed slowly and helped each other unload. I had to keep the momentum going. Some of the guys I knew were giving me those obnoxious side stares and smirks.
“Sarah, can I help you take your things to your cabin?” I didn’t want to be creepy but wanted to know where she was going to be.
“Sure, that’s so nice, thank you Sam.”
We grabbed her things and walked together through the grass quad. The air was filled with her warm fragrance. Her cabin was directly across from mine, about 100 yards away. She thanked me with a sweet handshake and we said, what I hoped was just a temporary goodbye.
Each side of the quad consists of six wood cabins, the girls are on one side and the boys on the other. They have no plumbing, two overhead lights and eight wooden flaps for ventilation. They are very rustic sleeping quarters.
The shower and bathroom facilities are about two hundred yards away. Those flaps come in handy in the middle of the night, if you didn’t feel like walking to the Johns. I guess the girls had more of an issue.
The Camp Townsend Music School is considered one of the elite music camps in upstate New York and probably one of the best in the New England area. It’s a fantastic venue with a large lake, rectangular boat dock, swimming area and grass sunning lawn. The lake is Hunter Lake, formed by glacial retreat about 25,000 years ago. It’s fed by fresh underground springs, surrounded by a lush dense mixed coniferous and deciduous forest. The water activities dock is extensive with many canoes and rowboats for attendees to enjoy.
The campus has two music centers, a main meeting hall with a performance stage. There is a large cafeteria, kitchen and storage barn. Luckily, I had done well in my tryout and received a 50% scholarship, to cover $400 of the 15 day August session. Musicians of every type came there for daily intense instruction. Thankfully, a good amount of time was left for daily swimming, boating, sports and group activities.
Being with all of that talent in one place is inspiring, but at the same time intimidating. It is a very grounding experience to see the many skills your competition possesses. Mostly the participants are teens in the 15-18 age group with an equal balance of young women and men. The counselors and teachers are generally in their twenties and thirties.
They all have vast performance credentials. As the days proceeded, our specialties, drumming, guitar, horns and vocals were split up into sections and each is given a group of songs to learn and develop. The evenings consist of group meals in the mess hall and a community campfire. Here, participating singers are given random popular songs to sing. I had only seen glimpses of Sarah for the first few days. Finally, on the fourth night, she was in my dinner session. When I sat down and looked over, she smiled and waved to me from her table.
Oh, how cool is that? Her smile means so much to me. After dinner, I rushed to the facilities to clean up for the bonfire. I wanted to be at my best if she was going to be there. Being one of the first to sit around the fire ring. I was lying in wait. Slowly, more and more spaces were being taken. I made sure that there was ample space on either side of me, just in case. As the fire was ignited, there was a gentle touch on my shoulder.
“Is this seat taken?” she whispered.
“That sounds very familiar, Miss Sarah. There wouldn’t be room for anyone else.”
A gorgeous smile blossomed on her face, as she sat down next to me. Oh, that fragrance she radiated can only be described from my memory as a child. My Aunt Madeline on Long Island had a large garden of Japanese honeysuckle. My memory was of standing near it and appreciating its sweet smell.
“How is your group doing?” I asked, hoping she would turn and allow me to look into those eyes.
“Really well, there are so many talented people here. They pick things up so quickly. It’s inspiring isn’t it?” she asked.
“Yes it really is. I wonder who is going to sing here tonight ?” I asked.
“Funny you should ask, one of them is going to be me!” She happily replied.
To this point I had not heard her voice, other than in conversation and didn’t feel it was any of my business to ask what song she chose. I thought it would be great just to see it as it was born. She was called on after two others went first. Frankly I have no idea who sang or what they sang. I was just sitting there captured in the firelight, glancing as often as I could to watch the flames sparkle in her eyes.
“The next contribution is from Sarah Sager from Monticello. Feel free to start Sarah,”. announced the counselor.
“My song was written by the lovely artist Carole King. It was made popular a few years back by the Shirelles.
As all of these pieces were sung acapella, she started with a low hum and went right into it:
Tonight, you’re mine, completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight, the light of love is in your eyes But will you love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
… So tell me now and I won’t ask again Will you still love me tomorrow?
I could hardly let my breath out. It was held in throughout her song. I was lightheaded. In all of my years in music, I have listened to many singers. I had never heard anything as pure, perfected and smooth as her voice was. Everyone applauded loudly. I wish there was some way I could look at her in a way that wasn’t so obviously adoring. I looked up at the sky and I swear I saw a shooting star streak by. After her song, the group wrapped up with a group sing of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence”. It was so inspiring and beautiful to hear such a truly gifted group of singers perform in one place. When things ended, Sarah reached over and took my hand in hers.
“That was so nice, wasn’t it Sam? Can you walk with me to my cabin?”
I couldn’t get a word out. I just took her soft, warm hand in mine and we walked together with a group of others to their cabins. “Good night Sam. It’s going to be a very busy week. I hope we have time to do something together. “
She reached up, softly touched my face and walked away. My senses were on high alert and I could feel the forest around me echoing her song. On my walk back to my cabin, I thought that my chances of winning Sarah’s heart were about the same as catching that falling star.
Today was the longest practice day yet. My arms are very tired from repeat after repeat. I haven’t seen Sarah for two days. We are more than halfway through the session. Time is rapidly slipping away. I want to spend more time with her. Sarah’s group of vocalists are working on a whole new piece in the chorus wing.
I had dinner with all of the guys at the early session. As I was leaving, out of the corner of my eye I spied her walking in. She and two other girls were rapping with their voice coach, Mr. Big Shot. He appears to have quite a large ego. It’s so big his head scrapes the ceiling, as they say. He gives me bad vibes for some reason, especially his darting eyes. He’s always touching the girls as he talks to them. My desire to speak with her was strong, but I was too tired to wait.
The sun was sinking low on the horizon. It would be cool to take a canoe out on the lake and watch the sunset. I wanted some mellow chill time to get myself together, both mentally and physically. As I passed the mess hall, Sarah’s group was letting out. Quietly, I walked to the dirt trail next to the meeting hall and strolled down to the lake front docks.
No one was around at all. The calming piano sounds from the music rooms filled the cool and moist air. The sun was beginning to sink below the tree and water line. It was calming just to sit a while on the grass and take in the tranquility. I grabbed a paddle from the boat shed and turned towards the canoe docks. Appearing in front of me, out of the dusky light, was that face that seems to now be indelibly etched in my mind. “Hello Sam, I hope I didn’t startle you !”
“Wow, just a little Sarah, but I’m glad it’s you and not some bear. I’m happy I didn’t swing this oar at you! Just kidding of course.”
She laughed, a little nervously. “I saw you walking down to the lake path. I hope I’m not interrupting you.” She kindly added, “I thought it would be great to watch the sunset on the lake. It’s an especially clear sky. Would you mind if I went with you, if you’re going out? It looks like an amazing sunset,” she replied.
“Of course, it would be great to have some company!”
It took all of the control I had not to explode with joy in front of her. She obviously had changed and was sporting a sheer white cover up over a two piece swimsuit. Sarah is a totally beautiful sight. I was amazed, that out of all the people she could be with and all of the activities, she chose to be here with me.
I also was wondering how I could possibly keep my attention on navigating the canoe, without taking my eyes off of her. I held the boat and she grabbed my shoulder to steady herself. and gracefully slipped into the front seat. I deftly stepped in and pushed us off at the same time, not wanting to mess up even one second of this trip in any way. The echoes of evening activities from other camps bounced off the water. The sky turned a burnt orange with red streaks. She then slowly turned and faced me. I thought I was dreaming.
“This is wonderful Sam. Thank you for doing this with me.”
“Anytime you wish to miss Sarah, it’s nice being around you,” I blushed.
She had this sweet sentimental look on her face that was completely disarming. “Sam, May I ask you a personal question ?”
“Well, that sounds a bit daunting but go ahead.” I said cautiously
“Do you believe in God, Heaven and the afterlife?”
I looked deeply into her soft eyes and thought for a while. If there was a moment in time that I would have chosen to freeze, it was now with the sunset in front of us,
“All of what we are witnessing right now is a miracle. Look at this beautiful world around us. All of what we have been blessed with, is not random. I believe it has been given to us by a loving source. Whether you call that benevolent being God or Mother Earth or whatever you choose. They were given to us to cherish. Yes, I do believe all of that in some magical form.”
I don’t think she expected a response like that. She looked out at the sunset again and tears came to her eyes. “I truly have never heard anything as spiritual and lovely as that. You are very special.”
“Thank you for saying that Sarah. I hate to end this but it’s getting dark. We should be getting back .”
I docked and tied up the canoe. She grabbed my hand as we hustled up the trail, illuminated only by newly awakened fireflies. When we reached the campus meadow, the flames from the bonfire were lighting the sky. Soothing sounds of laughing and music echoed around us.
“Have you ever tried real meditation ?” she asked.
“Not really, have you?”
“Take my hand again, close your eyes and clear your mind. Think about the sunset and serenity we just shared. Take a few deep breaths, be in this exact moment we are sharing together with no other thoughts.”
I cleared out all that I could, but her touch became even more of a sensory overload in my mind. We stood there for a while, listening to the energy emanating from the others at the bonfire. She then turned to me and said, “Sam, thank you so much for sharing one of the most beautiful moments that I have ever had in my life .”
She kissed my cheek and we joined the group to end the evening. Over these 10 or so days we have developed a special friendship. Not one of only male and female attractions. I feel a strong spiritual magnetism towards her. This is how I pictured a true relationship to be like, sharing trust, understanding and simple things.
Friday night this week is designated as “rock and roll” dance night at the music hall. I had mixed feelings about going and being forced into a “cattle call” scene with the usual boys on one side and girls on the other. That afternoon was a group session and Sarah sat down next to me and my drum kit. We are working on one of our show songs, “Ticket to Ride” by The Beatles, which was chart topping the year before.
My part is relatively standard, as I had practiced it for fun since it had first come out. She was part of the three guitar ensemble and handled the vocals too. I had not heard her yet on this song nor had the group done a “run through”. This was going to be our first formal one.
We tuned up with our group instructor, who was now that dude John from New York. He asked that this run through be at a considerably slower pace than what the original Beatles song. The keyboard player started slowly. I broke in smoothly with the skins and taps and then Sarah started to play and sing. Her voice was smooth and silky. Every note flowed into the next like a warm breeze. I still had never heard anything so pure and sweet as what I did that day. I think I was blushing as I looked over at her.
“I think I’m gonna’ to be sad, I think it’s today yeah,
the boy that’s driving me mad is going away,
He’s got a ticket to ride, he’s got …”
John abruptly cut her off rudely.
“Sarah, don’t change the words, keep it original “. He said
“Sorry John, but if I’m going to sing it, it’s going to be he and not she.” She timidly responded. Everyone was a bit shocked at this exchange. It was great seeing Sarah stand her ground.
“Well maybe you shouldn’t sing it then,” he replied.
I couldn’t hold back. I jumped out of my kit and went right up into this dude’s face. “Maybe none of us should be playing it then man. Don’t be so rude. Let her do it her way. Music is one’s own interpretation. This is a female voice singing about her broken heart. Obviously sir, by the looks, she certainly is not a male .”
Everyone in the session broke into laughter. He had to laugh too which helped diffuse the situation. Most importantly, he got the point and she did her version beautifully. She smiled at me after she ended.
That may have been the moment I became completely hooked. Music had always been a priority in my life and to have someone with that same mind set and so much talent was amazing.
“Sarah, that was beautiful and amazing. I admire your courage also,” I said.
“Thanks, Sam, you are very brave yourself,” she winked.
“l can’t wait for the battle of the bands night. You’re going to kill it!” I added. “Speaking of nights, are you going to the rock and roll gig tonight?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Are you going? I always kind of find it awkward unless you know someone.” “Well, me too but if you go, I’ll go and at least we’ll know each other,” She replied.
Did this angel just ask me to join her at the dance? Of course I said yes and we agreed we would see each other there. At about 7:30, I heard music floating from the meeting hall. I spiffed up as much as I could, with the limited summer camp garb I came with. My nerves were shaking during the long downhill walk to the music hall.
About 30 campers there and just as expected, the room was subtly divided into the girls’ and boys’ sections. At least the music was top notch. The Mamas and the Papas, the Kinks, the Stones, and other rock and rollers. I looked around closely, but she wasn’t there. It had been a demanding day for her. I wouldn’t blame her if she ditched it entirely. I made some idle talk with some of my cohorts, grabbed a snack, some punch and was ready to split. I had absolutely no desire to ask anyone else to dance, even though there were a lot of attractive girls there.
Then there came another soft tap on my shoulder. I turned quickly to see this lovely vision. Sarah was there with a big smile on her face. She had curled her hair and put on just the slightest touch of makeup . She had a polka dot blouse tied at her midriff with a pair of demure white cropped shorts.
“Wow! You sure clean up nice !” She knew I was kidding and let out a cute giggle. I’m sure she could tell I was a bit flustered. It was one of those rare moments, as a young man, when you feel as if you won some huge prize!
Soon the music got louder and I asked her to dance to a few of the fast songs. I had learned some dance moves in a class at our YMCA. I had never slow danced with anyone before. In about an hour, things began to wind down. Half the people were gone. It had been a very busy week and the next week were the final rehearsals and the concert.
Sarah was talking to some of her friends for a while. Then her instructor jumped in to speak to her. I was hoping he was apologizing for his rudeness. I certainly didn’t want to break into their conversation. I waved goodnight. I turned and began to walk away.
“Sam, where are you going?” She has such a smooth voice.
“I didn’t want to be rude and interrupt, I wanted to say goodnight.”
“Don’t we still have a few more songs to dance to? Do you want to? I just made a request for the next one, will you dance with me?”
“Of course I will,“ I said, guessing it was another fast dance.
Things suddenly quieted down and the lights dimmed. It was turning into a very slow dance song starting with a mellow strumming of a guitar. Oh my God! It’s that lovely romantic song by the Righteous Brothers, “Unchained Melody.” Bobby Hatfield’s amazing solo.
Sarah grabbed my arm and pulled me to the middle of the sparsely lit room. Other couples were joining in but for me, there was no one else in the room. Just us two. She must have known this was my first time. Sarah pulled me in so very close, wrapped her arms around my shoulders and started swaying. My heart was racing as I smelled her sweet hair below my face. Her deep breathing was melding with mine. She pressed all of her warmth against me. I tried to have some semblance of rhythm that somehow emerged from my deep trance. I never wanted this to end. Our hearts were beating together, I could feel hers against me. For those brief minutes, I had experienced sensations I never felt before.
“Woah, my love, my darling I’ve hungered for your touch
A long, lonely time And time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much Are you still mine?
I need your love
God speed your love to me.”
It was such a short time of bliss, I craved for more. I truly hungered for her touch.
“That was so lovely,” she sighed.
“Yyyesss it was amazing. Thank you.” I could hardly speak.
Whatever I said was a huge understatement. We walked to the exit, I was flushed.
“Can you walk me back to my cabin?” she asked. “Yes, I would love to.”
She took my hand again, hers so warm and inviting. The night air was fresh, the sky was crystal clear with an amazing show of stars. We didn’t speak and I doubt if she had asked me something, I would not have been able to answer. It seemed as if everyone else had bunked in for the night, we were alone. As we approached her cabin, she pulled me over to the side by a large Oak tree.
“I had a wonderful time Sam, thank you for making it so nice. You’re very sweet.”
Without any more words, she put her hand softly around the back of my neck and pulled me to her lips. It was my first real lasting kiss. Her face was warm, her lips sweet. I hoped it would never end. I felt her warmth deep in my soul.
“Goodnight Sam, I hope I can see you tomorrow”.
“Goodnight Sarah, thank you.”
I wonder if Sarah knows that she changed my world forever, on this wonderful night. Even if she doesn’t, I knew. My feet didn’t hit the ground on the walk back to my cabin.
