Letters to Jim: Happy New Year!

Top illustration by Tim Forkes

Letters to Jim: January 2021

If you are reading this, consider yourself a very lucky person. You survived 2020 which is more than a lot of people can say, thanks to how a soon to be former president failed to handle a pandemic. It’s a new year, but do not expect anything different from me. I refuse to change because last year was all fake and never happened. History will show there never was a pandemic, Trump won the election, and my fan mail was what held the nation together.

Now, let’s see what is on the minds of my fans.

Dear Jim,
Does Trump’s refusal to concede the election remind you of any other person’s action in history? Is it still possible he refuses to step down and should I plan on there being a coup? Thank you and happy New Year! Worried

Dear Worried,

There was an episode on Seinfeld where Kramer decided to work for a company that never hired him. He succeeded at botching everything he touched and was eventually informed he was being let go. How do you fire a guy who does not work for you? Well, we are about to find out when we fire old Donald who seems to have worked more for the Russians than he ever worked for us.

Personally, I am hoping Donny boy tries a coup. If he leaves office, the first thing he will do is head to a country that does not have an extradition agreement with us. If he and his fellow asshats try to overthrow the government, Agent Orange will have to face the music and we all know he has avoided doing this his entire life.

Expect the Trumpster fire to continue to smolder while he hides behind a wall of dirty lawyers and continues to seek attention. He will hawk Trump 2024 flags to fly over homes stocked with more guns than germ protection masks because there is no virus other than an invasion from the far left to worry about. This is the price we pay for giving this turd the time of day and access to the Oval Office.

Dear Jim,
Any thoughts on the new relief plan passed? Is there any chance congress can work together better with Biden in power than with Trump? Just Wondering.

Dear Wondering,

Did congress work better under Obama than they did under Trump?  Let’s face it, our divide was pretty bad before Trump came along and it won’t be disappearing anytime soon. Pelosi vs Mitch is older than Law and Order: SVU. You do not run the Senate or control the House majority like these two do and not know how to play the game of politics. If it takes a 5,000-page document to get Americans suffering from a pandemic a $600.00 check, what will it take to get us some real relief?  What will it take to bring this nation into the 21st century now that we are one-fifth the way through it?

We may have ridded ourselves of an abysmal failure of a president, but we are still stuck with a bunch of greedy hypocrites called elected officials.

Dear Jim,
Now that Christmas has passed, have you noticed anything different about the holiday? It seems to have been low key. Elf Fan

Dear Elf,

All I know is Facebook needs to do some serious cracking down when it comes to Christmas postings. It’s easy to rid your account of “friends” who post political BS, but how do you rid your page of friends who post family photos of everyone wearing the same set of obnoxious pajamas? And why do they have to be wearing onesies? I know I am of an age where some of my friends need to wear diapers again, but do they have to post photos of three or four generations wearing the same PJ’s? Can’t these people just be happy lighting up the night sky with their damn Christmas lights and leave it at that?

That said, I want to thank the Chinese for unleashing a pandemic on us. I enjoyed the lack of crowds out and about as well as the quiet nature of what was once a holy season, but like everything else, has been bastardized into a shopping season.

Dear Jim,
Any resolutions for 2021? Nosey

Dear Nosey,

No. I have become pretty good about not writing down the wrong year on my checks for the first three months, so I am feeling good about my day-to-day performance. I stopped worrying about which socks I am wearing, and my wife will confirm my wardrobe has simplified to not much more than a white t-shirt and camo cargo shorts.  I feel fortunate for the life I have and don’t care what my neighbors do so long as I can park my car in front of my house.

Dear Jim,
Trump has been on a pardon binge of late. Has he abused this privilege, and should I be worried about who he has set free? It doesn’t seem right. Angry

Dear Angry,

Trump has abused every power he has had while in office so why would he not abuse his pardoning powers?  Personally, I am not concerned. You see, when you get in bed with the kind of people Trump has crawled in with (Russians), they have a way of making their potential troublemakers suddenly die.

Trumps pardoning of creeps, miscreants, and criminals has created a great new drinking game if you are into this sort of thing. Take a shot of liquor every time one of these clowns is murdered or dies under mysterious circumstances.

They may think Trump has done them a favor for remaining loyal to him, but eventually, most will realize they would have been safer in prison than on the streets.

Dear Jim,
Let’s face it, who could have predicted the year we just had? Any predictions for the new year? Just Wondering

Dear Wondering,

If hindsight is 20/20, prognosticating is blindness. If I predict a bunch of doom and gloom, I get labeled a Debbie Downer. If I predict a bunch of great stuff and it fails to come to fruition, I look stupid. Consequently, I try to live my life based on what I see unfolding around me. Every four years we get ourselves worked up into a lather over what is going to happen to this nation if so and so is elected president and we forget most of what matters to us and affects us unfolds on a local level.

After this election, I think we have jumped the shark but have not yet drowned. We will continue to see the nonsense of Trumpism disrupt a nation that is increasingly in over their heads and had better learn to swim or tread water if it wants to live. You, see, there I go being a Debbie Downer.

Now if you will all excuse me, I am going to put on my swim trunks, grab my snorkel, and start swimming to the nearest shore.

Happy New Year.  Be well, be safe, and stay the hell out of my way.