NFL week 2 recap: The number 2 is number 1

The second week in the NFL sees half of the league with one win and one loss with still one more Monday Night game to be played. In other words, half of the league is mediocre which is about what we can expect going into the final week of the season.

Unfortunately, all of these teams still believe they have a shot at the Super Bowl where so far, all we have to look forward to is Lady Gaga out performing the NFC and AFC representatives.

NFC

West

A four-way tie for first place is one way to see this stellar division of misfits if you are a head coach, otherwise, all four teams are tied for last place. It all depends on whether or not your $12 stadium beer is half empty or half full.

The Los Angeles Silence of the Lambs have yet to find the end zone this season, but who cares? Touchdowns are optional and all that really matters is how nice you look in your uniforms. They looked better than Seattle.

Meanwhile, the 49ers left more than their hearts in San Francisco. Apparently their defense didn’t bother traveling to Carolina. As a result, Blaine Gabbert not only led his team in passing yards, he also recorded the most tackles, one, by a Niner.

South
Thanks to the Saints and their ability to come up with more ways of losing games than women lose their tops during Mardi Gras, New Orleans sits at no wins and two losses while their more athletically talented rivals are locked in a three way tie with one win and one loss.

After a dominating season opening win over a team I can’t remember, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers dropped a turd in Arizona and tried to blame it on all the incontinent retirees attending the game.

How bad was Tampa Bay? Well, they made the rest of Florida forget about how bad FSU was the day before against Louisville. In fact, a better game would have pitted the two Cardinal squads and left the two Florida teams home to practice.

North
That Sam I am Bradford (Vikings) rose to the occasion and beat the Not So Jolly Aaron Rogers (Packers) to move into first place in the old Black and Blue division. Next week, with Adrian Peterson hurt, the Vikings plan on bringing in Elroy Crazy Legs Hirsch.

The Lions helped right their ship with a loss so as not to get the hopes of the people of Detroit up too much. Now they can get back to looking for jobs.

Tonight, the Bears have a chance against the Eagles in a Monday Night showdown in which one of the teams has to win. My money is on whichever team does not have the ball at the end of the game. Nothing like a game ending interception or missed field goal to make you want to wish you were a WNBA fan.

• Editor’s note: The Eagles won Monday Night with their rookie quarterback, Carson Wentz, the #2 pick in the NFL draft. He is now 2-0 as a starting QB. Final score was 29-14.

East
The Walking Deadskins continue to live down to their name as they go in search of that perfect season. All that stands in their way is their owner bringing in a high school squad that plays with heart or a game against Cleveland. How bad is this team? Well, it’s just one more example of how nothing gets accomplished in Washington, DC.

Hillary Clinton has a 673-page plan on how to improve the squad while Trump has promised to build a wall around them and never let them out to play. Philly could move into a tie with New York with a win tonight against Chicago. I like their chances simply because their quarterback is not named Jay Cutler. (See NFC North)

AFC

West
Proof the NFL really isn’t a quarterback’s league. Three teams have a quarterback who everyone has heard of and who are tied for last place with a win and a loss. The other team, Denver, has a quarterback no one knows and is undefeated. Maybe it is their defense, but I think it is the pot. Denver knows how to make their opponents play like a bunch of stoned college kids who cannot get up off the couch.

The big shock was San Diego’s inability to blow another huge lead. If they are to have any chance at the number one draft pick next year, they simply have to stop getting out to big leads. They may want to bring in Tim Tebow and see if he can slow down their scoring pace.

South
Houston has found the right formula to winning. Mix a great defense with a quarterback whose name you cannot pronounce and you end up with a squad that could be called the Southern Denver Broncos.

The Colts are threatening to end Jacksonville’s reign as the worst team in the division. How bad are these two teams? A computer simulated game pitting them against each other resulted in the computer falling into sleep mode mid way through the second quarter.

With the Colts dropping off, the Titans now think they have a real shot at the playoffs. However, this is not likely to happen until the NFL expands the post season to 32 teams.

North
Cleveland refuses to budge from their perch no matter how bad other teams in the NFL play. The Browns are like everyone’s little brother, you know, the kid you spot 20 points to a game of 25 and then laugh at while you beat him silly. At least there are three other teams in this division who can actually make it to the playoffs.

Of course, while all the other teams in the NFL have to play 16 games a season, Baltimore, Cincinnati, and Pittsburgh only play fourteen games and two scrimmages against Cleveland. How bad is Cleveland? Their old Dawg Pound fan section has been turned into a rescue shelter. Please, if you can afford to, adopt one of these abused fans and give them new hope.

East
With all the losses in this division, perhaps the letter L should be added to the division and rename it the AFC Least. Next week, undefeated New England will start rookie Jacoby Brissett at quarterback and the worst thing that can happen is they will still be in first place.

The only reason the Jets have a victory is they played division rival Buffalo on Thursday night. The Jets realized they have more fans who are color blind than who are not so they treated them with all white uniforms. Rex Ryan and his Bills mistook this as a sign of surrender before they went out and surrendered over 92,000 yards to the Jets offense.

Even with the Jets Darrelle Revis looking more like Fantasy Island than Revis Island, the Bills found a way to lose. Not to be out done, the Dolphins are so bad, the local police union actually begged cops not to escort the team to the stadium. Next week, they plan to prevent fans from seeing the bloodshed.

My Super Bowl Pick This Week
There’s lots of football still to be played, but I am going to go out on a limb and pick who I think will play in this season’s Super Bowl: Alabama 94/New England 87. After the game, Cleveland hires Lane Kiffen as their head coach, general manager, and CEO assuring they will never win another game again.

Photos by Claudia Gestro unless otherwise noted.
Top photo: Eagles QB Carson Wentz at the 2016 NFL Draft

Week 1 Recap