NFL Report: Week one

I have decided to appoint myself as the NFL Czar for the Los Angeles Post-Examiner this year and while I am not as attractive as Claudia Gestro, I certainly know as much about the NFL as anyone running for president knows about politics.

Let’s take a look at the league after its rousing opening weekend in which the Los Angels Rams managed to have more players demonstrate during the National Anthem than were able to find the end zone. This is the time of year for teams to panic since half of the league is now in last place and Roger Goodell does not have any major controversies to screw up.

AFC

East:

The New England Patriots became the first team in the NFL to clinch a playoff spot by being the only team in their division to win their opener. It’s one thing they did it without a suspended Tom Brady while on the road against a tough Arizona Cardinal team, but they also managed to keep back up quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo unscathed. This is very important because he is the only player on the team who is better looking than Brady, giving their female fans hope for life after Tom retires.

South:

The big story here is not that the Houston Texans is the only team in the division to win its opener, but rather that the other three teams have fired their head coaches and promise to replace them with the best available people. As a result, the Indianapolis Colts will now be coached by Mike Ditka, the Tennessee Titans has hired Peyton Manning, and the Jacksonville Jaguars have decide to play without a coach and see if they can actually win a game this year.

North:

The Cleveland Browns once again proved they are the mistake by the lake by not only being the only team in their division to lose, they also lost their starting quarterback R2D2 as well as locking up the number one pick in next year’s draft. Don’t fret Brown fans, management promises to get next year’s top pick right just as they have done for the last decade.

West:

After their epic opening game collapse, the San Diego Chargers find themselves as the only team in the league without a fan. They no longer have to worry about a new stadium being built for them in San Diego or Los Angeles. The Chargers now hope to secure an old dilapidated stadium in St. Louis where they will allow any team to represent their city.

NFC

East:

The New York Giants won a squeaker against the Dallas Cowboys, Carson Wentz looked like a Hall-of-Famer for Philly, and the Washington Redskins have officially changed their name to the Walking Deadskins. However, the real shocker is Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is actually happy with his squad despite losing to New York and being without star quarterback Tony Romo. According to Jones, “Our entire team is finally where we want them to be: out of prison.”

South:

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were the division’s only winner and proved their new slogan may be just what the team needs: [Jameis] Winston looks good like a quarterback should. Carolina Panther Cam Newton, apparently, is exempt from the NFL’s concussion protocol after several vicious hits left him lining up at safety for the Denver Broncos. Newton’s move showed the officials he was the only smart one on the field by figuring he can’t get hit if he joins the other team.

North:

Here is a shocker: the Chicago Bears are in last place. I say this because usually after one game, they find themselves in a neck and neck race for the cellar with the Detroit Lions. It may be a while before the Bears can get a better passing game going. It looks like the Cubs could be playing in the World Series and won’t be able to offer the Bears an accurate arm until November.

West:

Wow, the San Francisco 49ers has already met their goal of actually winning a game by shutting out the Los Angeles Lambs. Meanwhile, with Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson nursing an injured ankle, the Seahawks could actually lose next week. Oh,that’s right, they play the Cleveland/Los Angeles/Aneheim/St. Louis/Los Angels/U-Haul Rams next week so they will remain undefeated.

Please feel free to send me your emails and let me know your thoughts — unless you are into fantasy football. In that case, deflate your fantasy female and go seek a good mental health expert and for the love of Pete, don’t purchase any guns.

 

 

 

Top photo of Levi’s Stadium, in Santa Clara, CA, from Super Bowl 50
All photos by Claudia Gestro