NFL week 3 recap: Getting ready for pink

Three weeks into the NFL season and if you are the Browns, Jaguars, Bears, or Saints, all you have to look forward to is the month of October where you can wear all the pink you want while playing like a bunch of girls. You see, in the NFL, it is next man up unless you have yet to win — where it is then Next Year Up. Right now, there are fourteen teams with a winning record (15 after Atlanta beats the Aints tonight). Parity or parody? It’s all a matter of perception, I suppose. Let’s look at where everyone stands (or lies dead).

AFC

EAST

It’s still all New England in a division so bad, the Bills, Jets, and the Dolphins still believe they are good enough to make the playoffs and guess what? One of those poor saps of a team probably will.

Still, the Patriots keep showing the world life without Tom Brady, or Jimmy Garoppolo, is no big deal. Now they get to find out what life without Jacoby Brissette is like while the rest of the league figures out who they play at quarterback next week. My guess is it is Les Miles, the fired LSU coach although the Pillsbury Dough Boy could get a few snaps. Either way, Roger Goodell must be feeling really good about his disciplinary skills about now.

NORTH

In an odd twist, this has now become a three-team division now that the league has kicked out the Cleveland Browns. Don’t worry, next year, they will be replaced by Ohio State where they actually pay their players to win games and not throw them away.

However, if Cincinnati continues to drop deuces, the state of Ohio should have another pro team to not look forward to on Sundays. Otherwise, Baltimore and Pittsburgh will be saddled with actually playing professional football and can rest well knowing that even if they fall into a slump, at least they’re not Cleveland.

SOUTH

Houston, you have a problem. First you get blown out by New England and a third string quarterback who is missing his right thumb, then you also have an over paid guy, Brock Osweiler, playing quarterback more like Brock Reverse Osmosis.Your saving grace is you are in the South where NFL teams play like they are from Ohio.

Houston has as many wins as Indianapolis, Tennessee, and Jacksonville have combined and should finish the season that way. My guess is eight wins should be enough for them to win the division but it will take more than that many beers to forget how bad a team they are to be called a playoff team.

WEST

Denver is still the class of the division, even if they do wear orange uniforms. I get why the Browns wear brown, they play like turds. But for the life of me, I have never seen an Orange Bronco and if I ever do, I am checking myself into rehab. The Chiefs, which is not an offensive term even if they wear red uniforms to signify red skins, and the Raiders are nipping at the hooves of the Broncos, but it is too early to tell which of the two misses out on a playoff spot when they drop a late season clunker to the San Diego Chargers.

NFC

EAST

Speaking of clunkers, how do the Giants lose to the Foreskins? Now Washington thinks they have turned the corner on their season. Kirk Cousins finally quit playing like he was someone’s ugly kissing cousin and now they have a win. Meanwhile, Philadelphia beat up cross state rival Pittsburgh and their rookie quarterback, Carson Wentz, seems to be a fan favorite. Philly fans have truly embraced him which is not easy to do. How tough are Eagles fans? They were so happy with their win Sunday they could be heard chanting, “We want Goff.”

Tony Romo has not been missed in Dallas and his rookie backup, Dak Prescott, is a pleasant surprise. Don’t worry Cowboy fans, your hearts will be broken soon enough when Romo returns and plays just long enough to break another bone in his body. He has more broken bones than Evil Knievel and might actually be better off riding motorcycles than playing football.

NORTH

Looks like Minnesota is for real and the only question left is to see how intimidating their defense looks in October when the wear pink with their traditional purple. Green Bay’s offense woke up, but then they were only playing the Detroit Pussy Cats. As for that other team in the division, I thought Bears didn’t hibernate until winter. Apparently they decided to get an early start with the beginning of fall.

SOUTH

How bad is this division? Well, the Buccaneers allowed the L.A. Lambs to score touchdowns, the Panthers lost a home game which happens about as often as a presidential candidate tells the truth, and if the Saints pull off a Monday Night upset of the Falcons, all four teams will be tied for last place.

On the bright side, the Monday Night game should be over shadowed by two lying sacks of AstroTurf in something called a debate. I am still sticking with my original prediction of the Crimson Tide of Alabama being awarded this division’s championship.

WEST

The Lamb Chops are in first! That’s right, Los Angeles is living large with their new old team in first place, but not to worry, Jeff Fischer has 13 more games to figure out how to screw it up. Have faith.

Seattle found their winning ways as Peg Leg Wilson and his Sea Gull team mates used the 49ers as targets for their bird droppings.

How angry are Niner fans over their team’s play? Next week, they are going to kneel throughout the game in protest of their national disgrace.

Speaking of disgrace, the Cardinals, who many picked to go deep into the playoff, decided to go deep into the latrine and lose to the Bills which are coached by Wreck Ryan.

By the end of next week, the season will be at the one-quarter mark, but for half the teams in the league, the fat lady will have already sung. Tom Brady’s suspension will also be up and we can finally get back to football as it should be, a bunch of juiced men soon to have CTE.

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Editor’s Note: the Atlanta Falcons won the Monday Night Football game, defeating the New Orleans Saints 45-32. Falcons QB Matt Ryan passed for 240 yards with two TD passes and no interceptions. Drew Brees of the Saints had 376 yards with three TD passes, but one interception. That INT turned into seven points for Atlanta, which had 217 yards rushing with three TD runs by Tevin Coleman. By contrast, NOLA had 115 yards rushing with one TD run by John Kuhn.

Top photo by Claudia Gestro