Oh, War: An editorial

Photo above: President Obama speaks to the Israeli people March 21, 2013
at the Jerusalem International Convention Center. (YouTube)

If John Kerry and Barack Obama wrote a letter to Israel, I am certain it would not be an “open letter.” This letter would no doubt concern itself with excuses toward a “two-state” solution that – because of the Crusades so many centuries ago – could never function with the blessing of Catholicism.

John Kerry, whatever his faith, emerges from his own words as such a long-winded personality – that it remains no wonder Egypt must broker the ceasefire agreements which seem to last no longer than two hours a piece. As for that letter, that “open letter,” I would like to write a fake letter in the spirit of America’s anti-Semitism toward Israelis and Jews in general.

Of course, we do not seem to realize – as Americans or even proxy government officials because we pay our taxes – that Israel is the world’s most important democracy and has been since 1948.

From the combined desks, in a crowded room, of President Barack Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry:

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Dear Israel,

We hate you! We have given you so much money and all you can seem to do, with that money, is murder children. Why are you murdering children, Israel? The foreign aid given to your country ensures that Republicans and Democrats get reelected or elected such that you can still get this blood money. Lest, we accuse you of libel!

Don’t you realize that? That, we could accuse you of “blood libel.” At the risk of revealing “classified information” – and no the President and I do not deny the realities of the holocaust – but we must deny the fact that Israeli children and Jewish children have been murdered by the so-called “Palestinians.” Not that this letter should be taken out of context, but do know that we still have to give you the allotted foreign aid – all because Republicans and Democrats still cannot agree on the meaning of American democracy.

As for that “classified information,” we would reveal it – but then any number of candidates might not get elected or reelected to protect the recent healthcare legislation. Sorry Israel, we have to conspire against you in rhetoric and action. All because, our democracy needs to pretend to fight terrorism and – at the same time – abandon any hope of comfort in our airports. Of course, we could interview each passenger, but that would be too much work for the labor unions to abide.

Sincerely,
Barack and Johnny

P.S. We just might share this letter with the New York Times. They seem to agree with us more often than not.

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Dear reader, do keep in mind that I am working in the spirit of “The Onion” in this editorial piece – writing a fake letter for the sake of satire – considering that only satire can cut through the “buzz feed” of twenty-four hour news. True, I do know that I am not Jewish. But, such notions as racism and anti-Semitism and classism, permeate the literal minded world of journalism as punditry. The actual journalist does not invade upon the story – and turn it into a “story” – therefore or thereby betraying the need for information as personified by the audience.

This thought, for so many Americans, has rendered cable news a horrifying entertainment. Yes, those reporters and editors might not have the time to search out new stories – but I can catch the important national news whenever my least favorite CBS, ABC or NBC sitcom gets interrupted with that dramatic music. There might be, as of now, a twenty-four hour news cycle. But, we – as Americans and human beings alike throughout the world – should suffice to reject it and return to both newspapers and “the big three” networks.

Indeed, if this editorial were a music video, I imagine that the “Palestinian” people would be dancing to the beat of an American pop song in some viral video that celebrated the murder of Israeli children – unless we forget that all wars are events and that all events have a point of origin. The kidnapping and murder of three Israeli teenagers justifies Israeli self-defense – considering that, Hamas still loves to fire those rockets at Haifa and Tel Aviv. As for that “viral video,” it might be set to “Hava Nagila” for the “Palestinian” people’s own sense of brutal and terroristic irony. Not to stereotype anybody by the virtues of their faith! And, that’s what literal minded government and journalism does to any citizen.