Screw Christmas, I’ll take Festivus any day

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I live for December 23rd. You can have Christmas and all that other holiday crap, give me today, Festivus, over anything old Saint Nick drops off at my home. In celebration of this great day, I have ten grievances to get off my chest before I get on the floor and wrestle with my dogs. I have held back long enough so here goes.

Grievance One: I get it, we have destroyed our planet so it is imperative we rid it of any and all plastic bags. Grocery shopping may never be the same again as a result. However, not only have our stores gotten rid of plastic bags, they have removed paper bags. Who the hell made this decision? Last time I checked, this state is filled with millions of dying trees that need thinning out so why rid us of paper shopping bags?

Even Trader Joe’s got in on this. Now I have to see women stopping their frigging shopping carts in the middle of the isle and chatting about their latest accessory, designer shopping bags. I knew this plastic ban was a conspiracy from the start, but I had no idea it would run this deep.

Grievance Two: All you sore losers who want to see an alternative concert/celebration to Trump’s inauguration can kiss my backside. I didn’t even vote for the turd but I can smell a bigger one than him and it is called all you whiny brats who have not gotten over your crushing defeat last month. How long are you going to mourn and can’t you just do it in silence? No, you need a damn concert where all your celebrity idols tell you to stay strong because they don’t want you to move with them to Canada.

Grievance Three: Ivanka haters, I have one thing to say to you: STFU! She — and no one else — deserves to be harassed on a plane. Worse, you know damn well if that had been Michelle Obama, you would have called the guy out for being a racist. Instead, you claim he is being denied his First Amendment right. Here is a news flash for you morons: since 9/11, no one has any rights once they set foot on a plane. Shut your mouths, stow away your carry on, and don’t hog both armrests. Is that asking too much?

Grievance Four: All you geeks and comic book nut jobs, all you parents who want to be cool in your kids’ eyes, and all you middle aged farts who remember when Harrison Ford was cool should be ashamed of yourselves. How do you like yourself knowing you think it is great to post photos of you camped out in lawn chairs and sleeping bags waiting for days for Star Wars to open while you bitch about seeing homeless people sleeping on the sidewalks in your community? Rather than spending money on a midnight showing of the latest blockbuster, use that money for some actual good like feeding some poor soul? At the rate this column is going, next year that guy might be me.

Grievance Five: Back to you blasted left wing brats. How do you explain why is it okay for you to mock the way Kellyanne Conway looks while claiming to be the party that wants to end misogyny? Heaven forbid if someone pokes fun at Shrillary, points out the extra pounds on Amy Schumer, or comments about how some actress has not aged well. They’re all liberals and I guess they are off limits. I suppose you can’t be a feminist if you are a conservative either. This is hypocrisy at its worse.

Duke University’s Grayson Allen tripping Elon’s Steven Santa Ana (YouTube)

Grievance Six: Grayson Allen haters need to simmer down. I don’t care how many players he has kicked while playing basketball, let him keep kicking. Why does he need a “time out” so he can “reflect on his behavior” so that he can return as a better person?

He plays basketball at Duke University where all that matters is winning an NCAA title. If he was smart enough to get into Duke, he should be smart enough to know when to change his behavior. And if he chooses not to change and it costs him his shot at the NBA, so what? He can always be a kicker in the NFL. I call that brilliant planning on the young man’s part.

Grievance Seven: Jaromír Jágr fans should just sit down and keep their mouths locked shut. Big deal, he became the NHL’s second leading all time scorer the other night and now you want to talk about where he ranks among the games greatest players. Lets see, he is 44 now and only a little less than 900 points away from breaking Wayne Gretsky’s all-time scoring record, so Jágr should be able to break that mark by the time he is 72.

There is Wayne Gretsky for the modern era, Gordie Howe for the dark ages, and Bobby Orr for the period that bridges the two and that’s it as far as the all time greatest.

Grievance Eight: E-cigarettes. Sorry, but you all look like losers when you use those stupid devices and you deserve being mocked whenever you use one in public. In fact, I think the best example of seeing karma at work is when people post videos of those silly things exploding. If you prefer an E-cig to wearing a patch or chewing on some nicotine gum, your nuts should be blown to shreds by one just so you don’t reproduce more idiots.

Grievance Nine: If you do not see the humor in two people, Tarek and Christina El Moussa, having their personal lives made fun of because they are too busy flipping and flopping with their contractor and nanny, then you need to leave the country, preferably to Germany where they have no sense of humor. Theirs is the funniest dirt being aired on the Internet since Anthony Weiner made us laugh.

Grievance Ten: I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my MTV, then again, I am a white male so why would I? MTV handing out advice to white guys makes about as much sense as having Larry King explain the secrets to a successful marriage. I have to believe if any white talking head gave similar advice about any other race, women, or non heterosexual group, they’d get canned instead of simply panned. Then again, I learned long ago this papa should never preach.

There you have them. Before you complain, just know this, I don’t care what you think of my grievances. They’re mine to do as I please. Festivus is a right afforded to me by the Constitution so deal with it. Now if you will excuse me, I need to put on my wrestling singlet and go grapple with my dogs.

Happy Festivus!

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Editor’s Note: on Grievance Three it is asking too much. Some of us need two armrests.