September letters: Intriguing thoughts on a dog’s life

Dear Jim,

Any new pet peeves or are you still bothered by the same old crap?

I like how this fan gets right to the point. Yes, I have a few new ones to add to the current bundle I lug around in life.

First up, teachers! Knock it off with your damn social media posts about how much you spend on classroom supplies. No one, I repeat, NO ONE makes you buy crap for your classroom so posting it along with your salary struggles is really just your way to guilt your non-teaching friends to respond with a bunch of positive remarks about what an amazing human being you are. You are a teacher and you chose your line of work. If you did so without knowing your salary then you are an idiot and I do not want you teaching my grandkids (fortunately, I do not have any yet). You chose to work three-fourths of the year and as a result you can expect to be paid as such.

You bring home work that you have to do on your time, you say. I say, stop doing that if you do not want to work for free. See what happens when work goes ungraded. Students won’t care, administrators won’t notice, and parents will be happy their kids homework doesn’t really have to be done.

Next, cops! Go ahead and justify your shootings. Keep up with your profiling and by all means, continue your high speed chases. Just end it with your “Last Call” postings. Congratulations, you made it to retirement. I don’t see clerks from Wal•Mart, accountants, or even teachers doing this. Why do you have to tell the world your career is over? And another thing, can you please put an end to those damn singing and dancing videos that show you as a bunch of fun loving members who just so happen protect and serve? What in the name of TJ Hooker are you thinking when posting them? Instead, post more dash cam videos that show the world the actual crap you do for a living and maybe then, when your career is over, your last call will involve the locals singing and dancing a farewell to you.

Jim,

Have you any thoughts on the dress code rules being handed down at tennis tournaments? Seems like they are targeting women more than men. Doesn’t seem fair if you ask me.

Now I am mad. Let me begin with Serena and the Frenchies banning her cat suit. I know the French are used to seeing rail thin models wearing garbage bags and calling it cutting edge fashion and may not appreciate the form of a fit female athletic body in a cat suit. They are also used to not winning their own tennis tournaments and surrendering every time a war breaks out, even the ones they sit out.

If Yannik Noah came out of retirement and wore a cat suit in the men’s tournament, the French would elect him president for life. Lay off of Serena and what she wears.

Then there is the treatment of women at the U.S. Open who just so happen to sweat in the sweltering heat and humidity of New York. Shame on you for wanting to take off your top and change it out between games and exposing the back side of your sports bra for the world to see. Have you no consideration for all the 12-year-old boys at home perving out while watching the match (the latest Nielsen numbers show this figure to be less than zero)?

The men sit court side between games and take off their shirts about every 12 minutes and they do not get penalized. A woman does it as privately as possible and boom! She is warned by some old fart with a prostate about the size of a tennis ball.

Here is my solution: Women should protest these archaic rules and just play their matches buck naked (Of course, I do recommend regular application of sun screen during matches). Show the world the marvels of an athletic body while slamming shut the nonsense on rules of decorum that do not apply to the men’s game. Viewership will increase (even among 12-year-old boys), you will save on laundry, and the men will be left to ponder what their next move will be (it sure as hell won’t include playing naked and exposing their racket to worldwide ridicule).

Until then, can we just get back to trying to solve the hideous clothes men wear when they play golf?

Dear Jim,

Any thoughts on the recent passing of Senator McCain? It seems the nation lost a real hero, one who stood for a government where both parties work together, compromise was not a weakness, and valuing our role in living up to our agreements means something. How can this nation get back to doing this and begin mending the wrongs of the Trump administration?

Mark my words, the nation will mourn the day Trump gets his fat ass voted out of office. McCain may well have been a great American who worked to serve the good of his nation, but Trump has taught us the only thing that really matters is the individual happiness derived from screwing others out of money and doing whatever you damn well please.

McCain was that sibling you had growing up that mom and dad kept using against you. “Why can’t you do all the good things Johnny does? Why do you have to be so self-centered?”

We hate the goody two shoes, or is it goody too shew, when we are growing up and yet we admire him when he grows old and dies. Why is this?

Trump serves as a wonderful reminder of just how refreshing life is when it is lived by your rules and you can enjoy knowing everyone around you is stressed out while you are loving life.

Dear Jim,

It seems to me November will be a day of reckoning for Trump and the GOP. Are they in for a major humbling and will the election be a sign of the beginning of the end of Trump in office?

Are you serious? By the time November gets here, Americans will be reeling from the post sugar high of Halloween, the realization the holidays are fast approaching and they haven’t any money to purchase Christmas gifts, and the fact the first released college football poll does not have their favorite team set to make it into the playoff. Americans will be lucky if they sober up enough to remember to vote. Actually, in the south, they will be lucky if they remember to get drunk before they vote.

They are called the midterm elections for a reason, no one but the most boring people take them seriously. Just like midterms in college, most of us know this fall’s election only counts for a small portion of our final grade. You really think Trump is going to cram for these exams? Hell no. He will be golfing, screwing porn stars, and trying to decide which left over Halloween mask to wear when he tries to sneak out of the country to avoid arrest. The elections will mean nothing to him and should not mean anything to you unless your name is Anderson Cooper.

Dear Jim,

I am considering getting a dog. Should I go to a shelter and save one or am I better off purchasing one from a reputable breeder?

Finally, a letter from a dog lover.

Your question is not easily answered. Before getting a dog, you need to ask yourself a few questions. Are you getting a dog to provide a fun life for Fido and the family or are you looking for something to take out in public as a decoration and annoy people with? If it is fun, get one from a shelter. They will love knowing they have a family that embraces their imperfections. However, if you want to annoy people, go to the most expensive breeder you can find.

You also need to consider whether to go with a large dog or small one (I like them small, but not so small they are the size of a pair of rolled up socks), male or female (makes no difference with me because they’re getting fixed), an indoor or outdoor dog, and lastly, will they get along with all your other dogs (we only have five dogs because we just can’t find the right one to add to our clan)?

Now, none of this matters if your reason for getting one is to eat. In that case, you have to decide if you want left overs or not (Big dogs are hard to eat in one sitting, or so I am told).

Another thing to consider is their color. I like brown dogs, my wife likes white ones, but our dogs really don’t care. You see, this is what it is all about that we humans fail to understand. Dogs don’t see color but they can sure sniff out an asshole. Humans, at least if you are in the GOP, seem to be more attracted to an asshole who distinguishes good and bad based on color.

Until next month, keep the letters coming.