September Letters to Jim: Buzzy Butts and Fall Colors

September has arrived and the 2024 election creeps closer. Better still, most of you can claim your favorite NFL team is still in the playoff hunt. Thanks to RFK Jr., there are no more political conventions left while there are still plenty of worms left to eat our brains.

Between now and until early February, the world will center around the NFL and whether there is still a nation called The United States. I apologize to other nations, but your wars, famine, and general upheaval will just have to wait. Maybe some fan mail will help.

Dear Jim,
With both conventions completed and two months until the election, what stands out the most about what our two major parties offer voters?
On the Fence

Dear OTF,

I hope it is not a picket fence you are straddling because they can cause a lot of damage. Be careful. Here is how I see the difference between the two major parties based just on their conventions. Democrats look like people who embrace everyone, know how to have a good time, and can find quality musicians and artists worth hanging out with. Republicans, on the other hand, look like they are buzzkills when they show up to a party and just one look at one tells you, “There’s a dick.”

Dear Jim,
Are you surprised to see RFK Jr. drop out of the race and endorse Donald Trump? What do you think was the tipping point that caused him to give up on the election?
RFK Jr. Fan

Dear Dumbshit,

My only question is which one of the worms in his little skull told him it was time to give up the fight? By the way, like all great candidates who we forget after ten minutes, he did not drop out of the race. Kennedy has merely suspended his campaign. He still reserves the right to run depending on the outcome of this election.

I am sure he will be a huge boost to Trump’s election. If Trump wins because of both of the votes he receives from Kennedy backers, Diaper Don can name Whack-a-Rob to his cabinet. If Trump loses, he can blame Kennedy along with JD Vance for his defeat and order hit squads after both.

Dear Jim,
Why do you suppose Kamala Harris and her popularity took off so fast? Before she was named to replace her boss, she was no more popular than President Biden. Now she is viewed as a breath of fresh air and an example of the increasing multi-cultural landscape of this nation. What gives?
Eric and Junior

Dear Boys,

The public, well much of it, realizes she has an actual pulse, doesn’t slur her words, is sharp on her feet, relates to both young and old, connects with whites and minorities, and offers this nation a continued path forward rather than desiring to take us back to the dark ages like your daddy. She is not running for office to avoid prison, has no record of criminal or ethical crimes, and actually respects this nation’s system of government and its standing in the world community. She is not the least bit flustered by your dad’s insults and when punched, will punch back harder.

On the other hand, I will say your pop can probably out eat her in cheeseburgers.

Dear Jim,
Why are you so hung up on sex toys? Have you ever used any? Does it make any difference where a person buys them?
Kitten Purrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Dear Kitten,

I am not hung up on sex toys. I just happen to have a great concern over how selling them in CVS might negatively affect business at local Adult Bookstores. Let’s face it, when Adult Bookstores came into our culture, they cut down on the memberships at local libraries. I would hate to see this great nation lose Adult Bookstores just as I hate seeing libraries close.

My solution is to see a new line of mega stores where a person can buy sex toys, borrow or purchase books, sex tapes, weapons, and drugs while still being able to score deals on alcohol, fiber, and gift cards. I would call these stores BallsMart.

Now, let me answer your question about whether I have used sex toys. I once sat on a picket fence and received a bad case of splinters. My mother drilled in me the importance of wearing my clothes in the future if I wanted to sit on one again. She was an open minded woman who believed in practicing safe fence sitting.

I will admit to never using a butt plug or the “Buzzy Butt”. However, the first time I got a prostate exam, I ran out of the doctor’s office so fast that he did not have time to remove his finger so I have a good idea what one is like.

Dear Jim,
I find it difficult to comprehend how a guy your age who is fixated on the sale of Sex Toys has an advanced college degree and taught in our public schools for 30 years. It’s no wonder our schools are failing our children. You have to admit you were a part of the education problem far more than you were the solution.
Disgusted

Dear Disgusting,

I am going out on a limb here and guessing you were either once a former school superintendent of mine who never set foot on the campuses you were in charge of, or the parent of kids who were complete turds that you blamed the schools on instead of your parenting skills or the DNA you passed down.

By the way, the sex toys of yours that went missing are probably still sitting in some principal’s desk because you never came to collect them after your little cherub was busted for bringing them to school.

Dear Jim,
I was wondering, if you were told you had one month to live, what would you do?
Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Most likely, I would drop dead from the news and prove the doctor wrong.

Dear Jim,
Who is to blame for the death of Matthew Perry? I ask only because I know you have said you have used Ketamine, which was the drug that killed him.
K User Too

Dear KUT,

It all depends how far back you want to dig into Perry’s life. My guess is, given he fell to a drug addiction, he had his share of unresolved trauma from childhood as well as other issues that plagued him. However, since he was well into adulthood, Perry had a responsibility for the choices he made. He also had plenty of money so he had the ability to seek the best help or chase a path to make him forget his pain.

Perry was clearly surrounded by enablers who failed to act in his best interest when they knew he was unable to clearly decide matters for himself.

Ketamine, under the proper treatment of healthcare professionals, has proven to do wonders for many of us who suffer from any of a number of mental illnesses. However, it should not be administered more than once a week, not three or four times a day as in Perry’s case.

Perry died from neglect and not from Ketamine. The people involved in providing him with access to the drug should be prosecuted.

Dear Jim,
What would be the one thing you would change about our public schools? Testing has not helped. Requiring more difficult levels of math and science has not helped. Offering advanced and remedial classes has also not helped. What is the solution you see that can help our kids more than anything else?
Concerned Parent

Dear CP,

There is a simple solution. What if I told you that by implementing what I am going to suggest, it will result in better test scores, fewer behavior problems, a greater sense of self-esteem, healthier children, and much greater drive and determination? It would only make sense to implement such a program from day one of Kindergarten and carry it all the way through the last day of High School. Instead, it is viewed about as positively as another wave of COVID.

The answer is to place a much greater emphasis on physical education and health. The data is pretty clear. Students who score the highest level on physical fitness tests also score higher on academic exams. Their brains release more endorphins when put through challenging workouts instead of fun/safe games and results in less depression. They burn off more frustration, angst, and anger when they break a sweat. They learn to push themselves mentally because the only way people can get themselves to run faster, do more pushups, and complete one more set is by mentally convincing themselves they can.

At home, they will be able to use that same mind set to read one more page, complete another math problem, or break down a report or science fair project into shorter makeable goals. However, this does not happen if PE teachers are looked at differently than classroom teachers. They must be properly trained in how to push kids in small increments, to hand out positive reinforcement, and to emphasize constant growth and improvement, which when you think about it is no different than a good classroom instructor. Of course, this doesn’t happen when administrators place 65 students in a middle school PE class, fail to provide sufficient facilities and equipment, and cave to parents who come in and whine about their little child not being able to handle the rigors of a quality program.

Then again, we can just keep doing what we are doing and watch our children diagnosed with cancers, type-2 diabetes, and heart disease as young adults, which is currently some of the epidemics they are facing today.

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Alright, another batch is finished and I still have plenty of time to go wait for the trees to change colors. Have a wonderful month.