Does anyone know a celebrity who is just like us? Apparently, they are everywhere if you believe the internet. We have a sick love affair with celebrity life, so much so, the label “star” is used to the point it has dulled the term.
It’s never been easier to be a “star.” You don’t even have to sleep your way to stardom, although if you have the drive, you can film yourself sleeping and post it on YouTube to see whether or not your popularity among strangers qualifies you as a star. As long as you film your exploits and post them on the internet, you can claim to be a star, even if you live in your parents basement. It seems like every week a YouTube star tragically passes. Not to worry, there’s hundreds more guys who have been on the fast track to stupidity, waiting to pick up new viewers on their way to stardom.
- One of the more popular YouTube stars is Tyler Oakley. He does stuff other people find entertaining — he has over 7 million subscribers.
Women can also be YouTube stars, but for some odd reason they excel more as Instagram stars or what I have come to learn are actually influencers. I don’t have an Instagram account mainly because I am still trying to figure out how to use the camera on my phone. I have nearly mastered texting and the camera is next on my to learn list.
Instagram is great because you can get tons of fans who love you even if the pictures you post of your narcissistic self really aren’t you. I guess you can make yourself look younger, thinner, and even appear to have animal ears. Last week, I read where a girl ratted out her sister for posting a fake photo of her going for a hike. Her makeup and hair were done perfectly. Her yoga tights and sports bra were perfectly matched. However, those were not the giveaways of a person who really does not go hiking. Apparently she took the picture in her backyard. Shame on you, girl. You will never become a star that way.
- According to people that measure such things, Selena Gomez is the top Instagram influencer, with 155 million followers.
Twitter is another way to become a star, but you are better off if you are a star first before opening a twitter account, otherwise, you are more of a twit. Even famous people have a hard time handling the responsibility that comes with posting thoughts in short form. The great thing about Twitter is as soon as you get raked over the coals for something controversial, you can just say your account was hacked and then close it out or delete the tweet, or is it twit? Anyway, you do not even have to apologize for sharing your true feelings, no matter how racist, homophobic, or ugly they might be. You just claim you were hacked and move on as if nothing happened.
I get a particular joy whenever my news feed runs a headline that reads something like, “187 Times Stars Were Just Like Us,” and then follow it up with photos of real, semi real, and real lame stars out and about doing things like us everyday losers. My favorites are actors or actresses dressed looking like they are homeless while carrying a coffee or bag of groceries from Trader Joe’s. They look so normal they could almost pass for it. However, what we never see is the Bentley or Rolls they have parked eight feet away. I guess some things just have to be cropped out in the name of normalcy.
I also enjoy the photos of celebs who are just like us doing summer things like surfing off the coast of Malibu, CA. I have yet to see such a photo that includes the signs they post in front of their beach front property telling us regular folks to keep the hell off their beach even though it is public land. You also do not see the large security guys waiting to run us regular guys off.
The shots of stars hanging out and relaxing on their yachts reminds me so much of myself. Of course, their yachts are never quite as large as mine, but still, even I know it is their backup yacht because their big one is in dry dock getting renovated.
Have you ever gone up to a celebrity while they are out dining in a public place and interrupted their meal to get an autograph? I hate when this happens to me. I am always in mid bite when they say, “Excuse me, but you are Jim Moore, aren’t you? I just love all the great stuff you write. Do you mind giving me your autograph?”
I want to tell them to get lost, but am afraid I will choke on my food and they will take out their phone and film it all before posting it online. Instead, I sign a napkin with some scribble and listen to them walk away saying to each other, “Wow, he even has messy handwriting just like me.”
I was once in a tiny hotel gym working out when Mike Tyson rolled in. This was the pre face tattoo/post prison serving Mike and he was preparing for a fight. There was just him, me, and a middle aged woman who had no clue who he was. It never occurred to me to ask him for his autograph. I didn’t have paper or pen and even if I had, I still would not have asked. I figured why give him an implement he can use to stab me in the heart.
There was also the time I bumped into Andy Pettitte in a South Lake Tahoe restaurant just hours after ESPN reported he admitted to using PED’s and claimed his pal Roger Clemmons did so as well. He seemed in good spirits, but I was not about to ask, “Hey, you’re that pitcher ESPN is covering today aren’t you? Can you sign my menu?” I wonder what Andy is up to today.
Here’s the thing, no matter how much famous people want to appear normal to folks like us, they aren’t. There may have been a time when they were, but at some point, you give up normalcy, all in the name of name and face recognition. It comes with the territory. Also, the more you rely on your friends to tell others, “Do you know who this person is? They are the 213th most viewed person on YouTube and they are famous,” odds are you are just a schmuck who has nothing to offer society.
As for me, I might be the most famous writer in America with fewer than 200 Facebook friends. I’d have more, but it turns out all those hot looking women who send me friend requests from far off places like Estonia really are not regular people like me. They are identity thieves which is a shame. I think being an identity thief might be the one area where you do not want to claim being famous unless you want to get arrested just so you can have something called greater street cred.
In closing, I want all my fans to know I love mingling with the masses. However, I prefer doing so via appointments. If you are interested, just have your people call my people and we can work out a date. Just make sure it is somewhere regular fans go to so we can blend in.
Top photo: President Donald J. Trump exiting Marine One. White House photo
He is an infamous Twitter user. He has 63.4 million Twitter followers
Jim is a life long resident of California and retired school teacher with 30 years in public education. Jim earned his BA in History from CSU Chico in 1981 and his MA in Education from Azusa Pacific University in 1994. He is also the author of Teaching The Teacher: Lessons Learned From Teaching. Jim considers himself an equal opportunity pain in the ass to any political party, group, or individual who looks to profit off of hypocrisy. When he is not pointing out the conflicting words and actions of our leaders, the NFL commissioner, or humans in general, he can be found riding his bike for hours on end while pondering his next article. Jim recently moved to Camarillo, CA after being convinced to join the witness protection program.