Stephen Varanko III – How to Help Someone After a Loss

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Sadly I lost my mother 3 years ago and having been through this difficult time I wanted to talk a little about how you can help your friend or loved one to deal with the loss of someone important in their life. I was very fortunate to have an amazing friend like Stephen Varanko III, who was by my side during the whole thing and I honestly think that without him, the whole situation would have been infinitely harder. Learning from what Stephen did for me and from what I felt during that time, here is what you can do as a friend, for someone who has lost someone special in their life.

Presence

Many people second guess themselves in terms of what to do for their friend during a difficult time like this and the truth is that you just need to be there. During a time like this, as much as people think that they can, there is absolutely nothing you say to make this situation better. The truth is in fact that what you do say may do the opposite of helping. You will have to be intuitive here and just go with what your friend wants to do, if they want to open up and talk about it then listen, if they don’t, then chat with them about something which is not important at all. The key is just to be there.

Carrying the Load

As well as being there for your friend you can try to help them carry the load if they have responsibilities to look after. Whilst you are grieving a loss the idea of dealing with funerals or making arrangements with the deceased’s clothing or personal items, or even their will can all be a bit too much. Make yourself available and offer to take on any tasks which they want you to do, no matter how big or small.

Suggestions

During this time there will be a number of suggestions which you want to make to your friend such as getting out for some fresh air, going for a drink, encouraging them to talk about it. All of these suggestions are fine, and they will help your friend to slowly move forward, but it is important that you choose your words and your timing wisely. Instead of telling them that ‘they need to get out’ mention that you are going out and would they like to come. Make it inclusive rather than instructive otherwise your friend may not receive the suggestion in the way that it has been intended.

Laughter

Something which Stephen did very well for me was to make me laugh during this tough time, and our friendship had always been like that anyway. I am not talking raucous laughter about what has happened, just little jokes and memories which put a smile on my face and just for a moment made me feel that things weren’t so bad.

This is a difficult time and there is no rulebook on exactly what to do, listen to your friend and just be there for them.

Boris Dzhingarov