With the July 4th holiday coming up, I thought I would take a few minutes to look at the silly season that is upon us before we are inundated with stories of sober men blowing off fingers from fireworks mishaps or videos showing drunken men burning themselves because of fireworks mishaps. There is plenty out there to remind us why Americans just do not know how to handle their down time, which we seem to have plenty of.
Let’s begin with what might just be the all time Darwin Award for the young man who convinced his 19-year old girlfriend to shoot him in the chest while he held an encyclopedia against it. This is what happens when people dream of making it big as a YouTube star, something that takes little to no education and just a willingness of mom and dad to let you live in their basement.
Back in my day, we just tried to convince our girlfriends to have sex, but now that we have become numb to all the sex that is out there, we have to seek our jollies in other ways. Gunplay seems to be the natural progression.
What letter encyclopedia was this guy holding up to stop a 50-caliber bullet from sending him on to another plane of existence? I am thinking it was either Q or Z. I thought everyone knew it takes the letter S to stop a gun from point-blank range.
Then there was the poor pregnant woman who ran down a young man with her SUV because he stole her purse. First off, never piss off a pregnant woman. Their hormones are going crazy and if you think you can take advantage of their condition, you are wrong. This thief paid a steep price, but unfortunately, in North Carolina it is against the law to run down a purse-snatcher unless he tries to hide in a woman’s bathroom.
Perhaps he should have used an encyclopedia as a barrier to keep him safe, but then hindsight is always 20/20, right? Of course, the pregnant woman probably would not face any criminal charges if she had just shot the guy. After all, if every pregnant woman were to arm themselves, this kind of stuff would never happen.
I also see where Sarah Palin managed to find a new job. What does a person do who so desperately wants to be relevant but can’t land herself a gig on Bachelor in Paradise or get elected dog catcher? You sue the New York Times. It’s a brilliant idea. However, Palin has her work cut out to prove the paper slandered her. The defense will argue you can’t slander someone who does not know how to read.
Speaking of work, I saw where former Trump campaign manager, Paul Manafort, is now registered as a foreign agent. In other words, he was a spy working for the Putin-controlled Ukraine (Ukraine is now opposed to Russia). But I am sure this is all coincidence and has nothing to do with there being a Russian connection to the Trump campaign. After all, it is not like Vladimir Putin to thumb his nose at the United States.
How pathetic it is to watch elected GOP officials try to find the right words to answer questions about the new Senate health care proposal. What were they thinking? Did they really believe this plan would result in an increase in their popularity going into next year’s mid-term elections? Don’t they understand the polls that showed Americans’ approval of Obamacare?
Now what do they do when new polls show a range of 45 to 58 percent opposition to their proposal and just 12 to 27 percent approval? Lets see, they managed to lose the support of the poor, women, middle class, and senior citizens, but on the bright side, they still hold onto the wealthy and the much needed stupid who believe health care will actually be better under Trump, a guy who lives on fast food and diet soda.
Speaking of Trump, where does a person who truly hates the man begin with his nonsense? For me, I will pick the Irish female reporter who he took the time to call over to his desk and point out what a nice smile she has while he is on the phone. This is Trump’s way of showing us he can multitask with the best. I am sure this is being blown out of proportion, after all, I am guessing he does the same thing whenever he has an Oval Office full of male reporters. It’s just that the mainstream media never shows us when he hits on Wolf Blitzer.
It should also be noted Trump is not a fan of all blonde reporters. Case in point, Mika Brezinski. Seems old Donny boy just could not contain himself after months of scathing reports and commentary from her and her Morning Joe fiancé. What’s a man to do? If only we lived in a more chivalrous time. We could be rewarded with Joe Scarborough facing off in a duel with the President of the United States. Ten paces and one shot. Of course, Trump is liable to make sure he is wearing a suit of encyclopedias.
Finally, I see where Trump is heading to France to celebrate Bastille Day. I’d like to propose he remain there as our thank you gift to France for sending us the Statue of Liberty. It is a fair trade off and really lets the French know just how little we care about them not liking us. As long as he remains there, the French could rest at ease knowing Americans would stop visiting their nation and annoying the hell out of them because we refuse to learn their language.
Now if you will excuse me, I have some beer to ice and some fireworks to wire to a drone.
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EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s amazing how many “Fireworks Fails” videos can be found on YouTube. Just type in “Fireworks Fails” and then start viewing. Have a Happy 4th of July!
All photos are screenshots from YouTube videos
Jim is a life long resident of California and retired school teacher with 30 years in public education. Jim earned his BA in History from CSU Chico in 1981 and his MA in Education from Azusa Pacific University in 1994. He is also the author of Teaching The Teacher: Lessons Learned From Teaching. Jim considers himself an equal opportunity pain in the ass to any political party, group, or individual who looks to profit off of hypocrisy. When he is not pointing out the conflicting words and actions of our leaders, the NFL commissioner, or humans in general, he can be found riding his bike for hours on end while pondering his next article. Jim recently moved to Camarillo, CA after being convinced to join the witness protection program.