January letters: Not so Happy New Ear (hair)

Dear Jim,

Happy New Year! I am anxious to know what you resolve to do in the coming year. Do you mind letting your fans know what you plan to accomplish in 2019? Thanks. Your Biggest Fan

Dear Biggest Fan,

I am not normally one to make New Year’s resolutions. I may not be perfect, but compared to most others, I am in the top two or three percent so I have time to wait before fixing myself.

That said, I have set about to wage a personal war in the coming year and will not rest until I am victorious. It will not be easy to win and I may need to enlist the help of others if I am to succeed. I am talking about ear hair. In particular, mine.

I don’t care if other men walk around looking like they have a forest growing out of their ears, however, I am not going to be one of them. I plan to keep my side yard weed-free and will not spare any expense to accomplish this.

I am tired of pulling out hair with tweezers, saving it off with a razor, or grabbing it with my fingers and yanking it out. If I smoked, I’d take a lit cigarette and scorch the stuff.

I could go back to growing a large beard and let my hair on my head grow long and let my ear hair, and nose hair for that matter, blend right in with my facial hair, but then I would just be left having to wear white t-shirts all the time so as not to show off the beard dandruff on my chest.

So now, I am left to ponder options like whether or not I can get a Brazilian wax job on my ears. If Brazilians have figured out how to remove hair from underneath one’s back side, the process has to work on the ears, right?

I will keep my fans posted on how this all plays out.

Dear Jim,

Have you any thoughts on the op-ed piece written by Mitt Romney before he was sworn into office as a U.S. Senator? It seems like he makes some pretty valid points about our president’s behavior.

Thanks, your biggest fan

Dear Biggest Fan,

I read Mitt’s well-crafted op-ed and a few things came to mind. First, does he plan to wear those same blue jeans and long sleeve button down shirts with the open collar he wore at every campaign stop in 2012? If so, that in itself will be a big change to the U.S. Senate and is a look I can get on board with.

Second, as a man older than me, I wonder what Mitt does to rid himself of ear hair. Let’s face it, it gets thicker with age in men and yet he is quite well groomed.

Third, once he is in office, will the American tax payer pay the bill for his hair-free ears? I am not sure I like the idea of having to pay for it when I may not be able to pay for my own hairless ears.

Dear Jim,

In the next year, we should begin to see several Democrats emerge as presidential candidates. Do you think 2020 will be the year the party goes with a woman or do you think someone like Bernie Sanders or Joe Biden ends up the party nominee?

Keep up the good work. Your biggest fan.

Dear Biggest fan,

By the end of this year, we will see plenty of candidates looking to unseat Donald Trump as our next president. It already appears Elizabeth Warren will be one of them. Kamala Harris could well be one too and yes, Bernie and Joe are still popular with many in the party.

I cannot see Bernie running this time around. He will always have a major knock against him if he is the candidate that will give voters like me cause for concern. I am talking about his massive amount of ear hair. I find it quite bothersome that a man could get so far in life without caring about the thick mane growing out of the side of his head.

You can still be a progressive and remain well groomed. Imagine what the White House grounds would look like if he was elected. Our image to the world matters and if we jump from a guy with orange skin to one with excessive ear hair, what message are we sending to our allies?

Joe Biden will not let this happen which is why I can get on board with his candidacy. Of course, you know if a woman runs against Trump, she won’t have any ear hair. If she does, you can bet it will be held against her while we ignore Trump’s.

Dear Jim,

How did you ring in the new year? I bet you are a pretty popular person and have many invitations to attend New Year’s Eve celebrations. What did you end up doing?

Thanks,

Your Biggest Fan

Dear Biggest Fan,

Thanks for asking. Yes, I had many invitations to attend NYE activities. Unfortunately, I was unable to do so. I actually began getting ready in the late afternoon and planned to make appearances at three or four before celebrating the start of the new year by kissing my wife. Unfortunately, something got in the way.

Yes, it was ear hair.

After showering and shaving, I began to do a little more grooming. I trimmed up the eyebrows so they would not be too thick and draw attention away from my newly whitened teeth when I smile. Then I got to work on my nose hair and was able to eliminate any extra-long and thick ones in short order. After that, my life went to hell when I looked into my wife’s make up mirror and saw what was growing out of my ears.

At first, I thought I looked like a cross between the Wolf Man and Pee Wee Herman. My smoothly shaved face, neatly groomed brows, and well-trimmed nose hairs were all for naught because I had the Amazon Forest growing out of my ears. I thought I could hide it by putting in my hearing aids. The problem was, I couldn’t get the damn things to go inside my ear canals because of the amount of hair growing out of them.

I grabbed some tweezers and frantically began grabbing thick clumps and yanking them out. After a while, the hearing aids went in, but I still had hair growing out of places I did not know hair could grow. I went through two razor blades just shaving my ear lobes and was still left with stubborn and unsightly hair.

By now, it was almost eight o’clock in the evening and I was no longer in the mood to put on a false face and wish people a happy new year. Instead, I went to bed and slept the night away.

Unfortunately, when I got up the next morning, the ear hair was back.

War is hell.

Happy New Ear, everyone. Thanks for being my biggest fan.