April Letters to Jim: More Trump, Mueller, Summer and Alex Trebek

Hard to believe we are one-fourth of the way through another calendar year. It seems like it was just yesterday when we were all up in arms about Donald Trump and his policies and now, here we are, still up in arms about his policies. Has anything changed in the past months? Let’s find out by reading my fan mail.

Dear Jim,

Now that spring has arrived, what has been the toughest thing you have had to deal with this past winter? Storms? Influenza? Shorter days? It seems like this was a particularly tough winter.

Thanks. Your Absolute Biggest Fan!

Dear ABF,

Without a doubt, the most difficult challenge I have had to face this winter was the decision to move the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue from February to May. Who the hell thought this was a good idea? Ever since I was a kid and my dad brought the issue home rather than leave it at his office waiting room, my winters were always warmed up by this issue. Now it comes out in May.

Come May, I can go hit my local beach and see women walking around in swimsuits all I want. And don’t feed me that line, “Yes, but they aren’t super models.” In case you missed it, neither are the gals in SI’s issue anymore, now that they have relied on “plus” size women to remind me why I no longer go to the beach.

Worse, my subscription ended at the end of February. I paid for three years and was promised three swimsuit editions. Instead, I got two. I feel cheated by SI and as a result, I will only look at the photos of the bathing suit ads from Target this year.

Dear Jim,

It won’t be long before summer arrives. What are you most looking forward to this summer? Baseball? Long sunny days and warm evenings? Travel?

Thanks.  Your Hugest Fan Ever!

Dear HFE,

I am not sure what I am looking forward to the most. However, it won’t be the Rolling Stones concert now that it has been postponed. Of all the people in that band, Mick Jagger is the last one you’d think needs heart surgery. He moves around like a water bug in a swimming pool while surrounded by a bunch of corpses propped up with musical instruments. If Mick needs heart surgery, I figure the rest of the band members each need a couple of transplants and blood infusions. Perhaps after Mick’s surgery, they can rename the band The I Am Grateful To Not Be Dead Yet.

 

Dear Jim,

Have you any thoughts now that Robert Mueller has submitted his findings? Should they be made public? Has the president been exonerated? Will the report help or hinder his re-election next year?

Thanks. A Fanatical Fan of Yours!

Dear FF,

Now that the Mueller report is in, it appears both political parties will have to move on to a new outrage to focus on for next year’s campaign. Let’s face it, the public might want the report released without redactions, however, the average citizen has no interest in reading it to obtain the facts. They want the facts told to them by talking heads who, in most cases, will not have read the report either.

By now, the findings, in most cases, will be twisted into so much nonsense they won’t change anyone’s mind about Donny. If you are still on the fence, or is it a wall, about whether to vote for the guy next year, you are probably not fit to vote, own a gun, or go grocery shopping.

Personally, I hate Donald Trump. Yes, I said “Hate.” I do not hate Trump the President; I hate Trump the person. I always have and most likely always will. It was easy for me not to vote for him because I found him to be a horrific representative of the type of person I want as our president. An FBI investigation was never going to influence how I vote next year so I say save a bunch of trees and let’s move on to his next controversy.

Dear Jim,

Am I the only person who thinks you would make the perfect replacement for Alex Trebek when he departs from Jeopardy? I can’t think of another person better suited for the gig than you. Have you any thoughts on this?

Thanks. A Long Time Fan of the Greatest Magnitude

Dear LTFOTGM,

I appreciate the kind words, but I try not to follow in the footsteps of people as great at their job as Alex is at his. I’d rather see Drew Carey replace him and fail and then step in to the role. That said, I am not so sure I am the right person for the job. Yes, it is true I possess a wealth of knowledge and can make others feel stupid when they’re wrong, but there is one thing I lack for the job: patience. You see, each year when the show has its teen champion competition, I’d smack a few of those brats up side their heads and tell them to put down the books and go step outside and see the world.

The college kids are no better and I would have zero tolerance for any high school teacher who wants to show off his/her smarts to their students back home. No thanks, I think I will wait for an opening for the Gong Show instead.

Dear Jim,

Don’t you think if a college education was free, there might not be this huge admission scandal we see unfolding? I am curious to know your thoughts on this and want you to know you are the best there is at what you do.

Thanks. A Fan For Life

Dear FFL,

You can lead a horse to water, but you better be prepared to part with more than a few Benjamins if you want it to be able to drink up. Colleges are about one thing: money. Whoever is willing to pay enough can always get in. Think about it. Even our POTUS got in — even if there are no records of his grades.

We need Americans to continue thinking a college education makes all the difference in life. I know plenty of people who never went to college and guess what, they are up to their ears in bills just like those who attended.

Our economy thrives on its citizens to live in debt so their pricks for bosses can work them silly until they retire years after they wanted to only to drop dead six months later.

The American Dream has become a nightmare and I do not see free college, free health, or even free sex as the answer to our woes. Now, if you want to talk making those things affordable and worthwhile, especially the sex part, then I am all ears and open to new ideas.

We feel better about ourselves when we earn the things we obtain in life, unless of course, you desire being POTUS. In that case, find a rich daddy, have a doctor claim you have bone spurs, and whatever you do, keep your grades locked up and buried in a missile silo somewhere in the mid-west.

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Thanks again for all the kind letters. Until next month, may April showers bring you May floods and allergies like they seem to every year.