Ass Hat Awards of 2015

It seems with the end of each year there comes a certain obligation to recognize the year that was and to hand out special recognition to the people who helped the most for making it a memorable year. With that spirit in mind, and just a touch of my more sarcastic side, I would like to recognize some very special people with my first ever Ass Hat Awards.

In order to earn an Ass Hat, you just have to be impervious to the rest of the world around you and actually believe you really matter (at least from my warped perspective). So lets give it up to this year’s Ass Hats and lets hope they manage to find a way to keep from winning again next year.

#BlackLivesMatter: According to whom? My guess is, the people stuck in traffic on the 405 as I write this think you are failing to understand a few commonly accepted principles of society. 1) Pissing people off is not nearly as effective as you think it is. 2) Pissing people off during the holidays is even less effective. 3) And pissing people off after a long day of work while on a freeway is just down right stupid. At this rate, you will not win an Ass Hat next year but are a shoo-in for a Darwin Award.

Donald Trump: #BadCombOversMatter. Actually, this award should go to his followers who really think this guy is the answer to what ails this nation. He is the hemorrhoid on the ass of life and no matter how much you try to live with it, it keeps flaring up and making things worse. Unfortunately, the only cure may end up being Preparation Hillary.

Hillary Clinton: She makes the list just by setting back women’s fashion about 12 centuries. Add to that, she never met a promise she couldn’t make … or break later to get a vote and you end up with the first woman man enough to stand up to Trump.

Roger Goodell: He makes $44 million a year to oversee a game. That’s the same amount Sir Hillary is worth in total wealth over a lifetime of public disservice. And for what? He somehow mastered the art of blowing a bunch of hot air over a tiny amount of deflated air while forgetting the people who play his game are walking, talking, brain trauma victims who get fined when their socks are not worn right. He should be glad his players remember to wear socks.

Steve Harvey: Yes, there is no error here. Steve, you win an Ass Hat for your Miss Universe blunder. Worse, you get to go through life always looking over your shoulder. Remember how Colombians responded when one of their players scored a goal for the United States in a World Cup match? Think of how they will react to you taking back the only other shot at a title they may ever have.

Paul Ryan: I know Abe Lincoln. Abe Lincoln was a friend of mine and you, sir, are no Abe Lincoln. Lose the beard.

Ted Cruz: Thank you for setting us straight and reminding us Sharia Law is a danger to all of us while our own Constitutional law is not as important as Christian law. Thank you also for your stance on immigration. Maybe some day you will be the president of the United States while serving as the Prime Minister of Canada and Dictator of Cuba.

Kanye: For declaring to run for president in 2020, especially when you are clearly the most qualified candidate for 2016. Timing is everything in politics.

Daniel Craig: For volunteering to slit your wrists before doing another Bond film. You saved many filmgoers the trouble of having to kill themselves before watching you in another Bond film.

Ronda Rousey: You proved it is possible for a woman to want to grow up and be like Mike. Unfortunately, you chose Mike Tyson and not Michael Jordan as your example. I just hope for your sake, next year you do not do an imitation of Michael Spinks in your rematch with Holly Holm.

CNN: For your unabashed love of all things Trump, you have shown us real news is not nearly as important as ass kissing in the name of ratings. Good work.

Charlie Sheen: Just how stupid do you really take us for? Seriously, did you really think we would be shocked to find out you have HIV? Did you think we would really care? We’d have to be dumber than a sex-craved, drug-addicted celebrity who chooses not to practice safe sex to fall for this story.

There you have them, the dirtiest and most deserving dozen Ass Hats of 2015. Of course, if I wanted to make it a baker’s dozen, I just have to add my name to the list. After all, it takes an Ass Hat to know an Ass Hat.