Crissy Cáceres Unpacks an A-ha Moment During a Student Meeting on Bullying

Three seventh graders sat in Head of School Crissy Cáceres‘ office at 8:20 AM, facing what they assumed would be disciplinary action. They had attempted to use coded letters to disguise inappropriate words, thinking their linguistic creativity would shield them from consequences. What unfolded instead became a masterclass in restorative justice that would reshape their understanding of empathy and truth-telling.

“The first thing is that we cannot have a conversation unless you begin with truth,” Cáceres told the students during their full day of restoration at Brooklyn Friends School. “So you have the gift of taking this opportunity to connect only to the truth. And without that, I actually can’t help you and you can’t help yourselves.”

After moments of silence, the first student raised his hand and confessed his actions. A second student followed suit. Then came the revelation that would create the day’s teaching moment: the third student admitted he had lied to his father about his involvement, telling his parent that whoever was responsible should be expelled from the Quaker institution.

Building Empathy Through Proximity

Cáceres pressed further, asking what changed when the father learned his own child was involved. Her student acknowledged his father “no longer used the word expelled.” When asked why, another student provided the insight that would anchor the entire conversation: “Because his father now had empathy because it was his own child.”

This moment illuminated what Cáceres describes as the fundamental challenge in addressing interpersonal conflicts among students. “When you do these things, you’ve taken yourself further away from the humanity of the person who’s hurt, and we can’t do that at Brooklyn Friends School,” she told the students. “How do you make sure that you stay close to that such that that’s the thing that says in you, ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’?”

Cáceres’ approach reflects her broader philosophy about childhood behavior and moral development. When parents report that their child experienced bullying, she offers a different framework entirely. “That was impossible,” she explains. “In order for bullying to occur, there had to be active intent, there had to be a connection to what you thought you gained from the bullying, there had to be a measure of trying to hide or omit yourself from the impact of that. And their frontal lobes have not fully developed enough for all of those three things to be true. So that is not bullying, that’s mistake making.”

Reframing Conflict as Growth

Crissy Cáceres, who joined Brooklyn Friends School in 2019 as the first head of color and first woman to lead the institution in 33 years, distinguishes her approach from traditional disciplinary methods. Rather than punishment-focused interventions, she centers what she calls “proximity to humanity” as the mechanism for behavioral change.

Her methodology stems from Quaker principles that emphasize consensus-building and direct communication. Founded in 1867, Brooklyn Friends School operates according to Quaker testimonies known by the acronym SPICES: Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community, Equality, and Stewardship. These methods emphasize restoration over retribution, seeking to repair relationships rather than simply address rule violations.

Systematic Restoration Across All Grades

Brooklyn Friends School has institutionalized these practices across all divisions. When a visiting committee observed a second-grade classroom disruption, they witnessed the systematic application of restorative principles. A teacher immediately brought all students into a circle where the disruptive child described their actions, classmates asked clarifying questions about motivations, and the group collectively offered suggestions for different choices.

“They knew exactly what to do,” Cáceres noted about the observation. When visitors asked whether this response was performed for their benefit, she replied simply, “Nope.”

Consistency across grade levels reflects the school’s commitment to what Cáceres calls an “uncompromising commitment to love” combined with “an understanding that the idea of belonging had to be inclusive in every possible way.” During her tenure, zero students have been removed from Brooklyn Friends School for behavioral reasons.

Lasting Impact Beyond the Office

Effectiveness of this approach became evident in the aftermath of the conversation. Students wrote unsolicited letters to Cáceres, explaining that her words had shown them the discussion “wasn’t about what was happening at Brooklyn Friends School right there, that it was about our lives. That if we took seriously what we were about to have a conversation about, it would affect us for our whole lives.”

Rather than successful conflict resolution alone, this outcome demonstrates how addressing behavioral issues can become opportunities for moral development. Students had moved from defensive positioning to genuine self-reflection, grasping connections between their actions and their character formation.

Cáceres’ methodology challenges conventional approaches to school discipline that often focus on consequences rather than understanding. Her background includes nearly three decades in education, including leadership roles at Georgetown Day School and Abington Friends School.

That morning’s incident with the seventh graders revealed the power of truth-telling as a foundation for moral growth. Rather than focusing on punishment, Cáceres guided students toward understanding the human impact of their choices. A father’s change of heart when he discovered his own child’s involvement became a teaching moment about proximity, empathy, and the tendency to extend grace to those closest to us while withholding it from others.

Her approach encapsulates what distinguishes Brooklyn Friends School’s philosophy toward student development—viewing behavioral missteps not as disciplinary problems but as opportunities for deeper understanding of human connection and moral growth. Students learn to maintain what Cáceres calls “proximity to humanity” as their primary guide for ethical decision-making.