Crystal Ball: Sports after the Rio Olympics

Don’t fret the end of the Olympic games. If you look closely, there is plenty left to enjoy in the world of sports. Lucky for you, my crystal ball (fully inflated) has provided me with a glimpse of the future and there is much to look forward to.

Win/Win Trade: The Los Angeles Dodgers and San Francisco 49ers help each other win titles this year when the Dodgers trade Yasiel Puig north for Colin Kaepernick. He will fill in for an injured Clayton Kershaw and pitch Los Angeles to a World Series title. Meanwhile, Puig will become the first Hispanic to quarterback a team to a Super Bowl title since Jim Plunkett and be immediately inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Angels In The Outfield: In a bid to save his job and the team’s season, Angels manager Mike Scioscia becomes the first manager to field an entire team of outfielders. The former catcher decides to play an entire game without a catcher because he realizes there is no need for someone to squat behind home plate and watch balls fly out of the park. Instead, he orders all his players to scatter into the outfield and just play a game of Three Flies Up.

Ram Tough: The L.A. Rams decide to increase attendance at the Coliseum, last used to host the Raiders when they played semi pro ball in the area, by switching to silver and black uniforms. Old drunken Raider fans flock to see the return of Al Davis and company while they beat the crap out of anyone wearing an Eric Dickerson jersey in the men’s room.

Attendance Record Set: Now that the L.A. Sparks are winning again, they will set a new WNBA attendance record this year when they surpass the previous league record. This year, the Sparks will fly when 21 people attend their games.

Drug Testing: In a reversal of their testing policies, the NFL, NBA, MLB, and NHL all agree to test all athletes in the same manner. The leagues will no longer look for cheaters, but rather only look for the few players who test clean. From now on, any player who tests clean will be fined and threatened with a year long suspension.

Dallas Forfeits: Jerry Jones will be embarrassed when his Cowboys become the first NFL team that has to forfeit the last seven games this season because other than his punter and long snapper, the rest of the team is incarcerated.

All Star Game Replaced: Major League Baseball will finally do away with its mid-season joke and replace it with a new fan favorite. Fans will now get to vote for one player on each team they want to see sacrificed for the good of the game. The thirty players selected will then participate in a sunflower seed spitting contest with the loser’s still beating heart being ripped out of his chest and given to one lucky fan randomly chosen by Pete Rose.

MMA Gets A New Star: No longer will Conor McGregor or Rhonda Rousey steal the headlines in the UFC. The two will be replaced after they are both destroyed in matches with Serena Williams at UFC 2973. Williams will then challenge Brock Lesnar who declines and says, “Not even I take s#&%* as big and as bad as Serena.”

Coaching Shake Ups: Many familiar names will take over struggling teams in an attempt to restore a winning system. Tommy Lasorda will become the new head football coach at USC while Doc Rivers slides over to coach the Anaheim Ducks. The Clippers will then replace Rivers with Usher while the Lakers will employ a more interesting method when they randomly select one fan each night to coach their players. However, after losing 64 straight games, the Angels will give Mike Scioscia a lifetime contract.

New Play-By-Play Man: After a long and exhausting search for a voice to replace Vin Scully, the Dodgers decide to hire Donald Trump who will immediately point out how he loves baseball because every stadium has a wall built around it.

Endorsement Deal: Ryan Lochte will finally strike it rich. After being dumped by his current sponsors, Lochte, who was caught on camera peeing in public when he claimed he was robbed and held at gun point while drunk in Brazil, will land a multimillion dollar deal with Depends adult diapers. The new “speedo” style diapers will not only be less bulky, they will also help anyone else on a drunken binge avoid the public embarrassment Ryan has faced.

Now that you know what is in store for all of us sports fans, the next four years until the Tokyo Olympics should pass in no time, which is about how fast Usain Bolt will run the 100 meters in 2020.

 Photos by Claudia Gestro