Damn the consequences: Part five

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Everything is okay in the end.
If it’s not okay…
It’s not the end.

Then I had to go home for the weekend. For the long, lonely weekend when I would have time to think. There were times when I sobbed out loud. I needed to get it out of my system. Crap, I needed to get you out of my system. Could I live with your rules? Did I want to live my life as the other woman? I would be spending nights, weekends and holidays alone because the man I love is at home with his wife and family. Yes, I said love, but I wouldn’t tell you that, I couldn’t.

It was a very long weekend but Monday morning still came. I had to walk by your office to get to mine. You did your best to avoid catching my eye. The worst part was that you treated me politely like a co-worker for weeks. I hated your professional attitude. It broke my heart. Maybe it helped you to get through those times but it made it harder on me.

I did my best to avoid you but it was difficult having to work with you eight hours a day in the same building. One day it finally happened, I couldn’t avoid you any longer and had to face you in your office. Believe me if there was a way, I would have gotten out of it. It was awkward and I thought I was going to die of the heat coming out of my head. I was burning up.

You answered my work related questions and I turned to leave.

“Wait,” I heard you say and you sounded so tortured.

I turned around and you actually looked as bad as I had felt since that night so many weeks ago.

“I am sorry.”

I didn’t want an apology! I felt insulted. Why would you apologize to me?  I was just as much at fault! With all my anger, I could understand your guilt. We kept trying to end this. I thought we just needed to be stronger.

You explained that the reason you got so scared was because when we were lying in each other’s arms after making love, you knew that you were in love with me and it was something that we had promised not to do. Rule number one broken.

“I fell in love and there’s nothing I can do. That was the best night of my life but I have to live without you!” You looked horrible and tortured when you said that. We were both dejected, having nothing to say but a lot to think about.

A few days later, I decided to leave work early. I was just exhausted mentally and physically.

I pulled into the driveway and you were standing on my porch waiting for me. Even though our life was so dreadful, I felt a spark of happiness.

You said hi with a little sweet smile and I couldn’t help but smile back. I unlocked the door and closed it behind us. I set my stuff down and we headed straight for the shower for the most incredible, mind-blowing sex. How could we end this when we kept ending up back here like this?

We began emailing; instant messaging for hours, texting and occasionally you could actually call me. I couldn’t call you. One day we decided that you would always leave me little messages, love poems or something to give me inspiration on your instant message profile and the day it was actually blank would mean that you were NOT coming.  Ever. That we were done.

Even during our worst and longest silences, I could always look there and feel some comfort because even when there wasn’t much, it would always have something for me.

Our whole relationship was a roller coaster with incredibly high highs and incredibly low lows. You promised that one day, you would find me no matter where I was and you would call me and say you were standing outside my door.  Do you know how many times I’ve dreamed of that day?

Once we went out to lunch for sandwiches and on the drive back you were holding my hand as usual and we were talking and laughing. I don’t know what I said but you laughed and said, “I am going to pull over right here and kiss you, okay?”

That’s how we were, passionate, loving and laughing – happy together.

When I admitted that I loved you too, you told me I would regret it. You must have been physic because there were hundreds of times when I most certainly did.

Photo by Tim Forkes
Photo by Tim Forkes

One Year

Our first year together was either gloriously happy or sad and hopeless. We were adjusting to the people we had become and the life we were to live for the next few years. We were angry and we only had each other to take it out on, we couldn’t go talk to our friends and family. We fought this so called relationship. I hated that you went home to her. It killed me to imagine you sleeping in the same bed. You said you couldn’t because you would always think of me and then you wouldn’t be able to sleep with her.

I heard so many excuses about why you were still married to her. One day you’d say you were moving out then you weren’t, then you were. You two would talk about splitting up but found out you were upside down on your mortgage and had to wait another year to sell it hoping that the market would get better. Or, you had two payments left on your car and then you bought a new car. That sounded like a few more years. Then you said you would wait until your kids were older, or that you could never leave the kids, or that she would never let you see the kids if you did leave. You were making quite sure that you never broke rule number two.

I was hurt that you couldn’t move heaven and earth to be with me. I felt as though you were ashamed of me and had to keep me hidden. I still hated the role of mistress. I didn’t want to be the Other Woman in your life; I wanted to be The Woman in your life. She had it easy, she didn’t know about me.

We poured out our wants, hopes and dreams in late hours on the computer. I was tired of dreaming and waiting. I wanted you now. You said we had twenty or thirty years to be together. Like it didn’t matter that we were a year into this already.

I think we got to this point where you couldn’t take hurting me anymore and decided to let me go to move on. I know it was hard for you, but it put the first and biggest crack in my heart. You went back to your professional attitude at work and blocked me so I couldn’t see you on the computer and you didn’t respond to my emails.

Then one day you put your wedding ring back on. It was like a slap in my face. As if you were finished with me. You had your fun and now you were done. I imagined you and your wife making love and you remembering all the reasons why you married her.

One day we were in the front office and you were talking to a customer about a fruit tree that you had planted over the weekend. I wrote on a piece of paper, “Plans for the future?” Then I slid it over to you. You wrote, “NO!”

My days were horrible and lonely and it was hell having to work with you. Our depressions became worse and worse. They say the three essentials of happiness are; something to do, someone to love and something to hope for. We had none of these.

We tried to stay polite but our conversations were very difficult. We alternated from wanting to be in the same room to avoiding each other like the plague.

One night I set down with my box of our memories and destroyed everything. It was all put into a trash bag and I took it to work. I saw you and asked you to throw it away. I watched you walk over and throw it into the bin. You threw away our relationship so I thought it was appropriate that you threw that bag away. I really wanted to run and save it, but I forced myself to walk back to my office. I just might be the best damn thing you ever threw away!

You and I were done so after a few months of being alone, I started dating again. Scott and I were together for less than three months. He was such a nice guy, but I could barely kiss him much less anything else, so needless to say, I never slept with him. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t have a relationship with this poor guy. Thoughts of you always got in my way. I didn’t want any of his kisses, because they weren’t anything like yours and they didn’t curl my toes. I didn’t want to date other people, I wanted you, damn it! NMW