Hillary writes: Dear Bill

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I am writing you a letter because quite frankly, I am sick to death of emails. All emails have done is make my life a living hell.

In your day, you had it easy. You just alternated between blowing your sax and getting blown by Monica whereas today, I have the press climbing all over me with questions about my emails, my server, and whether or not I misused my authority to gain financially while serving as Secretary of State.

You know what really gets my goat? It’s all these people I am trying to convince to vote for me are clueless as to just how much money I gave up to serve this nation for four years as the Secretary of State. If they only knew how much I hated being called Madam Secretary while that guy from Illinois was sitting in my oval office, they’d have to arrest me for my thoughts.

What’s the big deal about another 15,000 emails anyway? Hell, there are tens of thousand more they will never find because I used Anthony Weiner’s email to send the rest. I am sure glad I convinced Huma not to divorce that idiot.

Another thing that has me bugged is Colin Powell. I thought he abandoned the GOP and could be counted on to take the fall for me. I am running out of living people to blame for my shit. If he doesn’t accept responsibility for my actions, who’s left? You’re still friends with the Bush family. Do you think Jeb will take the blame? He hates Trump.

I also need to vent about our foundation. How the hell are we going to get rich if we shut it down to foreign investors, uh, I mean donors? We are running out of Americans who trust me and who will blindly give me, uh, I mean donate money to our foundation. We’re entitled to this money. After all, we were once white trash ourselves. We need to feed the American dream and provide hope to all people that it is still possible to attain wealth and power despite growing up having to use an out house.

Finally, what the hell is the matter with my health? I have one bad fall, a bump on the old noggin, and suddenly I am unfit for the White House. All this crap about my emails, foundation, and ethics should prove I am no different today than I was when you and I were running the country 20 years ago. I may have a few more wrinkles, but I am still the same girl next door who will cut off the balls of any man who gets in my way.

I am expecting you to clean up this mess just as I cleaned up yours back in the day. After all, you owe it to me just as Obama owes me his support for allowing him to keep my seat warm for the last eight years.

Fondly, Hillary

PS Could you please instruct our kitchen staff to cook me something other than your vegan crap for dinner? For the life of me, how do you eat like that?

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