January 2020: Jim has the answers, sort of

Dear Jim,

Let me wish you a happy and joyful New Year. What are your resolutions for this year?
A Curious Fan

Dear Curious,

Normally, I am not one to wait for a new year to make resolutions. When you screw up as much as I do, you cannot afford to wait for the calendar to change to make changes. Consequently, I find myself constantly resolving to either do new things or stop doing what is holding me back. However, your timing for your question is just right as I am in the process of making a few resolutions.

Before I get to them, I took the time to tally up the number of resolutions I made last year and they came to 417 total. However, roughly half were resolutions vowing to stop doing what I resolved to do earlier.

As for 2020, I resolve to do the following:

1. Read the beer labels more closely when I buy beer:The other night, I thought I was enjoying a nice cold St. Pauly Girl beer when halfway through my first bottle I read the label more closely and noticed it was non-alcoholic. That’s six and a half bucks I will never get back. To make up for my error, I am going to have to cut back on my tipping when I dine out this year.
2. Stop caring what sock is on what foot:I wrote about this before, but some asshole had the bright idea of stitching in an R and an L on the socks I wear so that I will be sure to wear them on the correct foot. Now I have to match up my washed socks to make sure I have one for each correct foot and then make sure they end up covering the proper set of toes. I’m happy if I put my shoes on the correct foot. I don’t need to worry about whether or not I have the correct socks on.
3. Continue to use my turn signals:I don’t care if no one else can be bothered to use their turn signals, I will keep using mine. Along those lines, I will also continue to use my middle finger on those who refuse to use their turn signals. The two go hand in hand.
4. Be honest with checkout clerks:I am done being Mr. Nice. From now on, if I am having a bad day and a checkout clerk asks about it, I am going to be honest. “How’s your day? Did you find everything you were looking for?”
5. “Well, since you asked, my day is sucking. It began with my favorite pet gerbil dying. Next, I was diagnosed with an illness I can’t pronounce which has resulted in me wandering your damn aisles looking for a cream to rub on an area of my body I don’t want you to know about. Lastly, I thought I bought beer only to find out it is nonalcoholic, but since I drank the entire six pack, I can’t return it and I am still sober.”

Dear Jim,

Have you any predictions for 2020 you care to share with your fans? You seem like the kind of person who knows what is coming our way.
A Curious Fan

Dear Curious,

2020 is going to see the following things happen;

1. An old white man will be elected president in November.
2. Yet another letter or two will be added to recognize people and their preferred gender identification. Expect to see LGBTQVCRV or something along these lines.
3. The Washington Redskins will win the NFC East with 5 wins and 11 losses.
4. Every week, a new blockbuster film will be released and it will involve either a comic book hero, remake of a previous film, or be a biopic of a famous rock singer.
5. 2020 will be the warmest year on record.
6. The flu season will be the worst one since 2019.
7. California will continue to see its economy boom while no one is able to afford to live here.

Dear Jim,

How did your 2019 compare to previous years? Was it better or worse than most?
A Curious Fan

Dear Curious,

Well, since I can’t remember what happened last week, I have no clue how 2019 stacks up to other years.

Dear Jim,

Do you have any favorite New Year memories? If so, what are they?
A Curious Fan

Dear Curious,

Geez, another question in which I have to rely on my memory. You’re out of luck.

Dear Jim,

How do you think the way we celebrate the New Year compares to the way the Chinese celebrate theirs?
A Curious Fan

Dear Curious,

Look, we cram all our celebrating into one night of drunkenness followed by a day of binge eating and football games. This is primarily because the American work ethic requires us to go back to our sorry jobs and slave away so we can keep ahead of China on the economic front.

With over one and a half billion citizens, the Chinese can take a month or two to usher in their new year while still having plenty of people to labor away and keep their economy humming. Until our nation increases its population by another billion people, our New Year celebration will never come close to China’s.

Dear Jim,

This might be a bit morbid, but who do you pick to be the first celebrity death of 2020?
A Curious Fan

Dear Curious,

Let’s see, the smart money has been riding on Betty White now for almost ten years. I do not think she will oblige us this year, so that leaves the race wide open. You also have to factor in star quality. There are a lot of old entertainers out there who have been out of the public eye for over 20 years. It’s not a shock when someone in their 80’s passes. I am going to go out on a limb here and say the first celebrity death of 2020 will involve either a rapper who is shot or OD’s or someone from the Real Housewives chains because let’s face it, they’re all batshit crazy enough to think that if they die they will become even more famous.

Dear Jim,
Do you think 2020 will be a year of perfect vision in this nation in terms of where we are headed?
A Curious Fan

Dear Curious,

It’s more likely that 2020 will be like an investigative report from the old TV show 20/20. However, it won’t be a smart piece like you might get from say Hugh Downs, but rather some trashy pile of crap like Geraldo Rivera covered. As a nation, our house is in need of some serious death cleaning. Buckle up and enjoy the year.