July Letters to Jim: It isn’t a Crazy Train, it’s a show with a different odor

I have more than the usual number of letters to share with you this month. I’d like to think it has to with an increase in fan mail, but actually, it has more to do with having more down time to check up on what my great fan base is thinking about.

Dear Jim,

Recently, there have been women running onto the field in hopes of meeting L.A. Dodger Cody Bellinger. It seems like ballparks need to do a better job with security. How can they fix this problem in a way that makes it less likely to happen?

I am glad you asked me this. Even if Bellinger is a Dodger and I am not a Dodger fan, I’d hate to see something happen to him or any other athlete.

The solution is easy. Every professional sports team needs to employ a highly skilled sniper, preferably one with military training. Let him set up shop in a luxury sweet or atop the scoreboard. As soon as a fan sets foot on the field, drop him. It just takes once, and I am pretty sure we will see an end to this nonsense unless it is someone looking to end his life and not actually hug a player. You see, this is why euthanasia needs to be legal.

Dear Jim,

I still can’t believe Golden State lost the NBA finals. Whether or not a person is a fan of them, you must feel bad knowing two superstars fell to injuries that will cost them next season. What are your thoughts?

Look, it didn’t matter to me who won the NBA title this year. However, I am not feeling bad for Kevin Durant or Klay Thompson. Since both are now free agents, they were richly rewarded to the tune of around $180 million dollars each by two different NBA teams. That said, I hate to see injuries determine the outcome of any NBA title unless of course they hit the Los Angeles Lakers.

Dear Jim,

Now that the DNC has their debates up and running, have you any thoughts on the candidates? They certainly seem to cover a broad spectrum of people.

My first thought is wake me up when there are maybe four or five left. For now, they have too many choices which gives me that same feeling of stress anytime I walk down the cereal aisle in a supermarket.

Second, Trump has put this nation under enough stress and he still has a year and a half left in his first term. I believe this nation is ready for a female president. I also think it is ready for a gay president. However, I think it is asking a bit too much of us to accept a gay man whose first name is Peter and last name begins with Butt. Can we tone it down just a tad?

Dear Jim,

In the past, you have provided readers with stellar coverage of soccer. Personally, your past coverage of both the men’s and women’s World Cup has been worthy of international recognition. Why is it you have backed off covering this year’s WWC?

There really is no great excuse I can offer up other than the batteries on our television remote recently died and my wife refuses to tell me where we keep extras. Complicating matters, I have no idea where the on/off button is located on our TV nor do I have a clue what network they are on.

Besides this, the games were held in France. This makes me think of French Fries and how much I enjoy them with catsup, or is it ketchup? Anyway, I like mine a little salty which is not good for blood pressure. Long story short, I’ve run up enough medical bills already this year and cannot afford any more. Since my editor, Tim Forkes, refuses to send me to France to cover the games, what’s the point in doing so from home?

[Editor’s Note] Jim was told he could wear a beret and dress like a mime while watching the World Cup on TV, to write his reports.]

Dear Jim,

You have just been told you have to go on a two-week vacation to either the Dominican Republic or Mar-A-Lago. Failure to pick one will result in your five dogs being rounded up and sold to a lab where they test new methods of torture. Which place do you spend your vacation at?

Let me answer this with a question of my own. If I refuse to pick one, will I still be allowed to adopt puppies in the future?

Dear Jim,

Why in the world would our president want to get this nation involved in a war with Iran? Does he think if he crushes them it will result in his poll numbers going up and assure him reelection next year or could he just be trigger happy?

This is an excellent question. Keep in mind, Donald has spent a lot of time in a tanning booth. Whatever brain he has, has shriveled up like a raisin (As well as other body parts from what women say). This could be part of the problem.

Personally, if I was his adviser, I would tell him to go to war and to do so as fast as possible. You see, Trump likes to listen to advice but is incapable of following it. Telling him to go to war is the only way to prevent him from sending young men and women off to die doing the dirty work of the greedy. If you love our troops, you will insist we go to war.

Dear Jim,

Recently, a 93-year-old UK woman received a dying wish to be cuffed and arrested by cops. Was this a nice gesture or a complete waste of taxpayer money?

I think it is a great thing to have done. I would have also tossed her in a cage and refused to give her any soap, toothpaste, or a toothbrush.  I believe when a person reaches 85, they should be medically declared as dying and become eligible for one Make-A-Wish gift. Why should dying kids get all the gifts?  Old people deserve something after society craps on them in their golden years. Of course, this should only apply to old white people born in this nation. We don’t need foreigners coming here to die.

Dear Jim,

Did you read where Eric Trump claimed he was spit on by an employee at a Chicago bar? I do not care what a person’s politics are, that employee should not have done this. Do you agree?

Absolutely. She should have spit in his drink like all the other servers have been doing to him without him knowing.

Dear Jim,

Robert Muller is set to testify in public on July 17^th. Are you excited about this?

No. We’ve made our minds up about Trump and what he did or did not do. If you are still on the fence, you should lose your right to vote. It’s just a good chance for politicians to pontificate and let’s face it, most of them do not even know what pontificating means. Instead, Muller should enter the Homerun Derby at the MLB All Star break. For every dinger he or another player hits, Congress should remove a redacted comment. This might add an element of interest to an otherwise pointless event.

Dear Jim,

Is there anything worse than a politician?

Let’s see, most politicians are lawyers, so that is enough to make them horrible people. However, a lawyer who is employed to defend Donald Trump’s actions toward immigrants is about as low as you can go. Check it out.

Dear Jim,

How do you feel about Ozzy Ozbourne telling our president to knock off the use of his song “Crazy Train”? It seems like an appropriate tune to describe Trump’s first term.

I almost agree with you. It is Ozzy’s song and so the decision should be his. However, if the GOP believes women do not own their bodies, I am sure they do not care how musicians feel about the songs they produce. Besides, Ozzy should have written a song that describes the Trump presidency better than “Crazy Train.” I’m thinking one called “Shit Show.”

Dear Jim,

Sarah Sanders has left her job as Trump’s press secretary. Do you think her departure will help or hurt Trump and is it possible we will see Sanders run for public office?

I am not sure she is leaving her job as press secretary. Yes, that was her job title, but she actually was Trump’s NUL (Numero Uno Liar). She did such a fantastic job of producing lies upon lies, she is perfectly suited to become a GOP leader, either in the House or the Senate. Heck, she excelled so much, she might even be the front runner to continue the Trump legacy after his ten years in office are up.

As for Trump, his new press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, has a rough road ahead. Sanders will be a tough act to follow. Plus, she will find within her first five minutes she is the Groper in Chief’s type. This is likely to blow up into one hell of a White House fight when Melania catches wind of Donald’s wandering hands. Love knows no fury than an immigrant wife scorned.

Dear Jim,

Are you a fan of Podcasts? I find listening to them a great way to pass the time while in a car.

I do not listen to any. I know plenty of people who do, however.

What I find interesting is our nation once spent it’s down time huddled around something called a radio to listen to people tell stories, talk about topics that made them think, and to keep us from going crazy because there was not much to do for entertainment.

Now, thanks to technology, we can sit around and listen to people tell us stories, talk about topics that make us think, and to keep us from going crazy while stuck in traffic. This makes total sense since cars have replaced homes, homes serve as places to store the immense amount crap we collect, and life in America has become almost as depressing and divided as it was when radio was huge.

I love how advanced we have become.

Once again, keep the letters coming to me. They give me an excuse to step outside to the front yard and see how my neighborhood has changed when I go to the mailbox. Until next month, stay cool.