Letters to Jim: Holiday edition

Hard to believe an entire year has now passed. I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to write to me. My ass has never been smooched so much since that one night in college where I stumbled into a sorority house thinking it was my place. You have no idea what goes on inside those places mid-week.

Dear Jim,

I hope you don’t take this as if I am some crazed fan who hasn’t a friend in the world, but I was thinking how I would love to get you a gift for Christmas this year. I have been inspired by your articles. Each morning, I wake up early hoping there is a new one from you. At work, I covered the walls of my cubicle with your articles until I was told by HR to take them down (they only allow pictures of family members and our President). Now I use a list of my favorite quotes from you as my screen saver. I even went so far as to carve, “Jim,” on a bathroom stall just below where someone used a sharpie to write, “Is there a more American, American than Donald Trump?”

You probably get a lot of gifts sent to you at the headquarters of The Los Angeles Post-Examiner. I could mail mine to you there, but I want to make sure you get mine rather than your editor stealing it. Perhaps you could send me your home address. That way, I could drive out and deliver it personally to you. Hey, I just thought of a great idea. When I deliver your gift, maybe we could go do something together. Are there any good movie theaters near your place? How about we go catch a movie and then grab some dinner?

Anyway, if you could send me a list of what you want from Santa, I sure would appreciate it.

Thanks, and Merry Christmas.

From your biggest fan, Jim

Dear Biggest Fan,

You haven’t by chance seen the film Taxi Driver, have you?

At this time, I am not allowed to accept any gifts as it would create the appearance I am not impartial. Checks are too easily traced as are direct deposits into my PayPal account. You could send me cash but we all know letter carriers sniff those things out in a second and we never see them.

My suggestion is you forget about a gift to me and go purchase a gift for yourself, perhaps some mental health treatment or a new blow up doll. Either one should do the trick.

Thanks. Jim

Well, well, well, Mr. Jim.

You were probably expecting another ass kissing piece of fan mail. As usual, you are wrong. In fact, you are wrong more often than my guy Trump is right.

Once my guy is cleared by the FBI, you can expect to see your precious First Amendment tossed out, which will then make the sacred Second Amendment number One, that’s a number one with a giant middle finger for dicks like you.

When are you going to realize the new and improved America we have under Trump is reserved for us white, God loving, concealed gun carrying, F150 driving, Confederate flag waving, groping, gay bashing, Bible thumping, made in America, wall building, 38 percent majority?

It’s time you repent, for your sins will come to haunt you next year when we reelect Trump.

BTW: Please call your mom and wish her a Merry Christmas.

Love, Dad.

Dear Dad,

Sorry I can’t make it out for the holidays again. I am too busy with my pot growing business and it would not be fair to take off and leave it all to my two husbands to manage.

Your favorite Son.

Dear Jim,

Any thoughts on stuff like the political correctness of how to greet people this time of year? Seasons greeting? Happy Holidays? Merry Christmas?  What do you say to people this time of year when you are out and about?

BTW:  Have a wonderful ________________________________ and Happy ________________.

Jim

Thanks for the kind wishes. To answer your question, I prefer to keep things simple and stick to what I usually say to people when I am running errands. I see no point in changing because what I say always works for me and allows me to get my stuff done without any issues. Whenever someone wishes me a whatever it is they have to wish, I just reply, “Go fuck yourself.” The chit chat ends and I get swift service. It’s a real time saver. You should try it.

Dear Jim,

How do you justify trading in a gas guzzling truck for a slightly less gas guzzling SUV? You do know you are part of the problem and not part of the solution to our global warming.

Concerned About the Planet

Dear Concerned,

Go fuck yourself.

Jim,

Any resolutions for the coming year? Each year, I keep a list of a dozen taped to my refrigerator. Each month, I complete one and check it off. At the end of the year, I review them and feel a true sense of accomplishment.  How about you?

A big fan

Dear Big Fan,

Go fuck yourself.

See how well that works?

I want to congratulate you on your dedication. I am in awe of you for being able to complete twelve tasks a year. Ever been employee of the month?

Jim

Dear Jim,

I know this is a time of year where people reflect on the past and look ahead to the future. Have you any regrets from this past year?

Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

Go fuck yourself. I’m telling you, this is gold. I may wear t-shirts that say this.

I suppose if I regret anything, it is answering these damn questions each month.

Regret is mostly for people looking to improve themselves. I am perfect just as I am so I see no need for regret or improvement.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a new advice column to plan out for next year.  Seems there are a lot of idiots who need a guy like me to tell them how to live life.