Letters to Jim: July 2024

The dog days of summer are here. Heatwaves, debates, fires, family vacations, Independence Day, but most of all, another year under my belt. Let’s see what is on the minds of fans and whether I can offer any sage advice worth following (my money is on No Way).

Dear Jim,
I know you do not own a television, but surely you must have some thoughts on the first of the presidential debates. Do you see it as a game changer or will we look back at it and wonder why the candidates wasted our time?
Master Debater

Dear Master Debater,

I hope you did not go blind from the first of this year’s debates (hopefully you just need glasses).

I am the first to admit there is nothing Trump could have said to sway my views on him so anything I have to say can be pointed out as deeply biased. I believe any sane person with a reasonable understanding of what our nation was founded on and what is at stake can’t possibly think Trump is the better candidate.

However, we live in a time of ignorance and disrespect so it should no longer surprise us to know many Americans prefer a brash talker with little to show over his first time in office over a presidential person whose accomplishments far outweigh those of Trump.

As far as the debate itself, I thought President Biden looked, moved, and sounded like a very old man. He had difficulty finding his words, had a lost look on his face, and displayed all the signs of what we have come to view as being old. Certainly, no one will accuse him of being on performance enhancing drugs.

It’s a shame too because I saw the same smarmy look on Trump’s face that makes me want to smack the snot out of him. He was incapable of answering a question honestly and for some reason, fact checking was not part of the debate rules which played to Trump’s strength.

 used to tell my students all of the time that we live and die by the choices we make. Today, the same can be said about what our nation has always stood for versus what a bunch of finger pointers just want.

About the only thing I can say is if you are still sitting on the fence as to who to vote for, ask yourself where would you be today if we had fence sitters like you during either World War trying to decide what was the right thing to do? Where would we be had we not fought to preserve the union during our Civil War? The Great Depression?

Up until today, our voters have always sided with preserving the fundamentals laid out by our Founding Fathers. They have served us well and guided us through our most difficult times. What makes people today believe now is the time to throw it all away?

Dear Jim,
Admit it. Trump has been right all along about Biden and his being way too old for the job. The first debate had to be painful for you to watch knowing you would have to eat your words and ready yourself for Trump part II. Are you at all concerned you might be one of his targets of retribution given how disrespectful you have been of the man? I hope you end up stuck in the same prison cell as old Joe.
Trump Now and Forever

Dear TN and F,

Your humbleness is only exceeded by your intellect. Trump has about as much interest in my whereabouts as his wife has in his. If Trump is elected this fall, it simply means I have to write fat, orange, and turd jokes for another four years. Besides, when his people come knocking on my door, I’ll answer it wearing nothing but my American flag boxers upside down and offer his henchmen a choice of Diet Coke or a cold beer with a cheeseburger. After all, if I learned anything from FatBoy Orange, it is to always be a classy host.

Dear Jim,
I am a long time Democrat and even now I think it is time to replace President Biden on the ticket for this fall. The problem is, who do we replace him with? Vice President Harris is as unpopular as Biden.  Gavin Newsom has not exactly been knocking it out of the park lately. Does this country even know any other left leaning politicians residing in middle America?
Deeply Worried Democrat

Dear DWD,

The best soups are the ones that have had time to simmer for a while. Knee jerk decisions rarely turn out well so let’s give it a rest and see how this plays out for a while. Biden’s age has not been a recent concern and high ranking players in the game of politics always maintain backup plans.

The important thing in life is timing. Biden’s performance was horrific and the timing for him could not have been worse. Trump and his people will bask in all their glory for now and in a few weeks when our attention begins to turn to more important things like the coming NFL season, Democrats can announce their new ticket of Hillary Clinton and her running mate Taylor Swift.

Dear Jim,
I am not hopeful after seeing President Biden’s debate performance. If Trump wins, will you continue to refer to him as Agent Orange or will you break out any other names?
Make Me Laugh

Dear MML,

I am sure I will continue using Agent Orange, but I also reserve the right to refer to him as FatBoy Orange, Diaper Donny, and of course POTAss.

Dear Jim,
Who do you think Trump will select to be a heartbeat away from the Oval Office?
No Idea

Dear No Idea,

It’s more like who will be a cheeseburger away from the Shit Show. Either way, I have a theory to determine who the person who sells his or her soul to the devil will be. Look at their family. In particular, look at who their daughters are, their ages, and which ones the VP hopefuls are willing to offer up as concubines to the Trump Klan. It will not be about who is best suited to be second in command nearly as much as who is willing to sacrifice what they cherish most to be VP. Trump will ask for their daughters and in today’s GOP, there are enough tit suckers willing to oblige.

Dear Jim,
Does it bother you to see a state like Louisiana require the Ten Commandments be posted in every public school classroom? Why can’t state governments respect the concept of the separation of church and state?
Troubled

Dear Troubled,

Louisiana, and other conservative states, are more concerned with the separation of states from a federal government that they are with church and state. Of course, as soon as Louisiana floods from rising sea levels, they demand the federal government step in and bail them out of their woes.

Maybe it is just my opinion, but I think any state that receives far more in federal dollars than it pays out should be expected to abide by the separation of church and state or risk forfeiting their federal funding. I will also admit that Louisiana is as much a foreign nation to me as any third world nation.

 do not expect 50 separate states to ever see eye-to-eye on all issues. However, there need to be fundamental issues we agree on and it just so happens those issues were neatly laid out for us by our Founding Fathers. What’s troubling is the level of ignorance that runs throughout all our 50 states over our history because we have allowed ourselves to be consumed by cultural wars while manipulated by a much larger force that prefers an ignorant voting base.

So back to your question. I am not bothered by what Louisiana has decided. I am actually shocked more states have not done the same given their preference for a Christian centered government over the one that was founded in 1776. I’d also be more impressed if the people of Louisiana knew how to read and comprehend the Ten Commandments.

Dear Jim,
How do you plan to spend your first 4th of July in Chico? Parades? Hot dogs? Fireworks? I imagine the more rural north state has plenty to offer when it comes to celebrating our nation’s birthday.
Proud American

Dear Proud,

Those all sound fun as well as a dip in One Mile or a tubing trip down the Sacramento River. However, with highs expected near 110 degrees all week, I’ll settle for my AC working without issue.

Dear Jim,
Other than the usual songs Led Zeppelin are known for, what are some songs of theirs I can play for my kids to show what great musicians they were? Need your help.
LZFan

Dear LZ Fan,

In my opinion, they have an endless list of songs that demonstrate their range as musicians that made them far more than a heavy metal band. I’d have your kids listen to the following: “When the Levee Breaks,” “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You,” “Trampled Under Foot,” “In the Light,” “Going to California,” “Since I’ve Been Loving You,” “Gallows Pole,” “In The Evening,” and then finish it off with “Hot Dog.”

Dear Jim,
Do you have a go to summer drink?
Thirsty

Dear Thirsty,

As long as it is not overly sweet, too caffeinated, or gives me gas, I will give it a try (Ice water). Otherwise, beer works as long as it is ice cold and does not contain the letters IPA. If you feel adventurous and have a driver lined up, enjoy a cold Skip and Go Naked an ice cold 22 ounce mug of beer with a shot of gin in it. However, be warned, even the cops here in Chico will arrest you after you drink a second one. It turns out skipping down Main Street naked is a crime even in Chico.