Letters to Jim: Just put the beer over there

Dear Jim,

Wow! That was some speech the president gave for the State of the Union, wasn’t it? What are your thoughts on it and do you think it will result in a better working relationship between him and congress? I love your insight. Thanks. Your Biggest fan.

Dear Biggest Fan,

I have to admit, I did not watch any of his speech, primarily because I thought he was giving his annual State of the Soviet Union Speech. I never know what perspective Trump is coming from and usually figure he is only telling us what he believes when he tweets in the middle of the night. Besides, once I caught wind of all the women being dressed in white, I knew better than to watch. I thought there was a law about not wearing white after Labor Day.

Then, I heard Rick Perry was selected as the Designated Survivor. This was almost enough for me to find religion and run to the nearest church and start praying for nothing bad to happen to Donald and the rest of the gang. I saw what can happen to the nation last year when Keifer Sutherland was suddenly thrust into the role as POTUS.

On top of all of this, my wonderful wife scored a great deal on Budweiser beer this weekend and brought home a 20 pack of bottles for just a buck. I have been in the midst of an experiment trying to determine if nickel Bud makes for a happier me than your standard overpriced fancy brands. So far, it is working.

If Trump wants to make this nation great again, he might consider making all beer a nickel a bottle/can. Consumption and happiness will increase and all those empty bottles and cans can be used to build his damn wall.

Dear Jim,

Let me begin by saying I am a huge fan of yours. I like your common sense and disdain for the hypocrisy that makes up our political system. I want to know whether or not you have decided to run for President again in 2020. I am crossing my fingers you will. Thanks.

Your Biggest Fan

Dear Biggest Fan,

In 2016, I decided to run primarily because I felt we deserved better than the choices we had in Trump and Clinton. I figured, if you can’t get yourself to vote for either candidate then it is your duty to challenge them. I also really wanted to build a wall around Kentucky, but right now, I’d be happy with a chain link fence.

At the moment, there are somewhere around 450 people who have already filed the paperwork to run for president in 2020. I hate paperwork almost as much as I hate what Trump has done to this nation. However, it is a bit premature for me to decide on whether or not I will run because it’s anyone’s guess who the Democrats will pick to screw things up.

Ideally, the DNC will decide to run a fair primary and actually let the voters decide their party’s choice. If they do, there is no point in my running because I would just take votes away from their candidate and ensure Donny four more years in office (I’d rather see him do four years at Pelican Bay).

I am asking my fans to please be patient and let’s see how things unfold before we decide we are screwed no matter who is in charge.

Dear Jim,

It’s Oscars season. Have you any predictions on the awards this year? I would really love it if you added a film review. You have amazing insight, a great eye for talent, and a willingness to tell it like it is which is what movie goers want from a film reviewer. Thanks and keep up the great work.

Your Biggest Fan

Dear Biggest Fan,

Other than the two or three Hallmark Christmas films I watched until the third commercial break before falling asleep, I failed to watch any films last year. That said, let me make a few predictions. Some group will be shut out of the awards, another will be offended by them, and still another will picket the red carpet.

There will be great scrutiny over the job done by the host (or is it hostess this year), a wardrobe malfunction will happen only this time it will involve Bradley Cooper, his fly, and an interestingly placed pasty.

A special honor will be given to an actor or actress I thought was already dead. There will be a great debate over whether or not musical performances were performed live or lip synced. Finally, one award recipient will forget to thank his spouse which will lead to rumors of a soon to be marital split.

Now, if Liam Neeson were to host, ratings would be through the roof.

Dear Jim,

Now that the Super Bowl has been played and the NFL season is over, is there any chance you will write a weekly column on the NBA? I love how you do not pull any punches when you cover the NFL and think if you did the same with basketball, your fan base would grow even larger, if that is even possible. Thanks.

Your Biggest Fan

Dear Biggest Fan,

I am going to have to do something the average NBA player never does and pass on doing this. I am still trying to figure out how after an 82 game season over half of the teams make the playoffs. I also have a difficult time keeping up with all the uniforms they wear, why so many guys can hit 3-pointers but not make a free throw, and why a guy with a unibrow is coveted by an L.A. based team where all that matters are looks.

Dear Jim,

I am your biggest fan and love following your NFL stuff. I am wondering if you had a favorite Super Bowl commercial? Thanks.

Dear Biggest Fan,

First, you assume I actually watched the Super Bowl and because you do, you assume I watched the commercials. Along with the Super Bowl, there are things like The Puppy Bowl, Lingerie Bowl, and most importantly, the nearest toilet bowl.

That said, I did watch the game and thoroughly enjoyed it, unlike most of the nation. As for the commercials, I do not remember any of them and it has nothing to do with that dollar beer my wife brought home.

You see, if I have mastered anything in life, it is the art of being able to stare at a television commercial and not have a clue what it is promoting. This is a result of another art I have mastered which is tuning out and not thinking. This works wonders for me while being force fed advertising I care nothing about, but also comes with draw backs. I find tuning out and not thinking does not work when I get behind the wheel of my car. I tend to miss off ramps, forget where I was heading off to, and consequently find myself spending more money on gas because of the added miles I drive.

Thankfully, I do not have to worry about this so much as long as my wife keeps finding deals on beer like that dollar Bud.

Thanks again for the fan mail. I am touched to know so many of you are my biggest fan, that or there is just some lone loser out there with nothing else to do than to write me letters. Either way, keep them coming and let me know if you hear of any deals on discounted beer.